Too nice to ex DP? New DP not happy!(87 Posts)
Little bit of background to start with - I broke up with my ex DP 2 years ago after realising I no longer loved him. Split was fairly painless and everything works very well as co-parents to our 5 year old DS. We see each other most days as I do the morning routine and he does the evenings (at my house) until I return from work. Neither of us have family close by and so we need to rely on each other a fair bit and remain as flexible as we can.
Ex DP has had several girlfriends over the 2 years, but nothing has worked out. I was single for the whole time up until 7 months ago when I met my DP. Nothing has changed between myself and ex DP, things have virtually carried on as before, although there are less times were we may do something all together, as a family. I'd like to stress that there have never been any blurred lines with our relationship since we broke up. Everything is purely for the sake of our DS and his benefit / welfare. As an example - we might all go to the park together once in a blue moon if we're both around etc.
The summer holidays have been reasonably challenging and holidays and plans have all been relatively last minute due to money constraints for both of us (2 houses in SW London are expensive to run)!
Myself, my DP and DS have just been on holiday for 2 weeks to Greece and had a great time, further cementing our relationship. Ex DP has just arranged to take DS to Dorset next week for a few days to camp and fossil hunt, something which I suggested and offered him the use of my car for ages days. He's always been insured on it as he doesn't have his own and if he ever needs to use it to take DS anywhere. My DP is clearly not happy about me offering to let him use the car and is pretty grumpy about me helping him to organise the trip. He also mentioned a few weeks ago that he was occasionally jealous of our close relationship, despite the fact I have repeatedly made it clear it is purely for my DS's benefit. AIBU to think that he needs to accept the situation as it is, or do I need to change my approach to the relationship with my ex DP?
So your DP of only 7 months is already moaning about your set up.
It's only going to get worse I'm afraid.
I don't know. It all sounds great though I do question a little why you help organise his time with your ds. Your exdp should really be independent of you.
YANBU and he needs to accept that you have a son together. Seriously would he prefer your DS to not go on a nice holiday? Who paid for the car? Surely you can do what you like with your car?
It's none of his business. It's for the good of your child that you have a good relationship with your ex and that should stay that way for about 18 years at least. I'm not sure he's a keeper if he's trying to impose limits already.
I had a similar but less involved relationship with my ex. My now DH always respected it.
I do think you need to create a bit more distance in terms of actually planning their holiday (he's an adult he can do it) but things like loaning your car, why the hell not!
Interesting Ex and I were the same in having no family support at all, we only had each other.
No you absolutely do not need to change your approach with ex. You may not be in a relationship anymore but you still have a relationship.
I think you need to have a talk with dp.
Yes, car is my own and paid for by me so no issues there. My DP lives around 20 miles away so it will mean I'm reliant on him to come to me in that time but due to having main child care responsibilities normally that isn't any different.
I do see the point about me organising things. It's more that I facilitated it by offering the car and I knew a perfect place as I'd visited myself many years ago. I just want my DS to have a great time.
There is no question that my ex DP and I are still close, but I see it more that we are family, as you'd view any relative. I guess that might be what bothers my DP more than anything. I think we need that talk!
You definitely shouldn't change your approach with ex DP, it's mature and sensible, and good for DS to see you getting on and putting his interests first. DP sounds a bit immature tbh. He needs to grow up and accept the situation, or become an ex DP himself!
I would assume that over time you & ex might become slightly more distant. Your DS will need less time from you, and you could both be in new relationships that you want to 'nurture'.
But that should happen fairly gradually and naturally. If there's anyone trying to force a change then it will cause stress. IF your new DP can't see that things will evolve between you, and be happy with a more gradual transition, then he's going to be causing stress. Your decision about how you want to deal with that.
What you are doing is the very best thing for your DS. If your DP can't see that, then he hasn't got your DS's best interests at heart, and that would make me doubt whether there was a future in the relationship, frankly. As a PP said, it's only likely to get worse as the relationship continues.
I can see both sides, it's great for your son that you and exDP get on and can co parent in a brilliant way, but...
From your partners point of view I can imagine it feels like he's the third wheel in yours and exs relationship...
For example I may mention to my exDP places I think my son would like to go, but I wouldn't get together and plan it with him.
I also wouldn't loan him my car at the expense of my partner (him having to do all the driving to me, nipping me here and there) -as an adult he is more than capable of buying or renting his own car.
Me and my ex get on but it's very much related to our child as in we will talk on pick up/drop offs. He will come our house with his family xmas morning to see son and give him gifts but we lead separate lives.
Working in schools, what I see over and over again is birth dads (mostly) spending less and less time with their DC once the relationships are over, and it's so sad for the children.
So I think you are exactly right to be encouraging that relationship and doing all you can to keep it going.
I think this is putting the child first, and I think you're both right to be doing this.
Seven months in and your new bloke thinks that being grumpy is an effective means of communication? Hell no, if he has something to say he can use big boy words.
Start as you mean to go on and stop accepting new blokes pathetic attempts to manipulate you in order to carry out an agenda, that's not in the best interests of your son.
Woman up before you find yourself in a situation where you are walking on eggshells trying to accommodate some bloke at you and your son's expense.
7 months in and your boyfriend (hardly a partner at this stage) is bitching over your relationship with the father of your child? Fuck that.
Yanbu and yes you should speak to DP to allay any concerns he has but let him know the status quo will not be changing
Hi OP - i think you have a wonderful relationship with your ex-dp - please do not let your new partner ruin that with petty jealousy that has no substance whatsoever, it would ruin the great relationship you have . I think you need need to speak to your partner and set him straight if the new relationship is going to work, at the end of the day - you son comes first and keeping a healthy relationship with your ex will facilitate that.
7 months in & your DP is behaving like a petulant child. He sound like an arse
Alarm bells should be going off, you've only been with him for a short while and he's already being a twat in regards to your ex.
Your new boyfriend is a pillock. I would offer to go to him by public transport once in the time you are carless.
To be honest, I can see both sides.
However, helping him organise his trip as you stated in your OP is a bit different to casually suggesting where to go fossil hunting because you know the area. It sounds like from your current DP's point of view that your relationship with your ex DP has become a little too close for his liking. You say your latest holiday to Greece has cemented your relationship and you have become closer, your DP obviously feels the same and so he is naturally feeling a bit jealous of your closeness with your EX which I understand.
I would try and picture yourself in his shoes and ask yourself whether he is being unreasonable at feeling a bit insecure about it. How would you feel if your DP's ex was on the scene and he was planning trips for her, lending her his car. Did you spend time with your EX alone without DS around whilst helping him?
Granted, being grumpy isn't the best way to communicate his feelings about the whole thing so why don't you sit down and talk to him and reassure him? And tell him he needs to find a better way to communicate than being grumpy? Also if he found out that you have planned out ex DPs trip away by you telling him the details. then you could make things easier for him and yourself by not telling him every single detail? I'm not advising you to lie to him but your relationship with your ex is between you and your Ex purely because of your DS.
Finally, I would take a few steps back from your EX to give him a clear message that you are focusing on your relationship with your DP and his place in your life is there because of your child and nothing else.
I don't agree. I think if you care about him you should be mindful of how he feels. If the boot were on the other foot, and it was him and his ex who had this kind of set up, then you might feel left out.
Just reign back the "togetherness" between you and your old DP and see how it goes.
Please don't alter your relationship with your ex. It's so good for your child to have you both getting along and being friendly. If your new bf can't accept that then maybe he's not the right one.
Just reign back the "togetherness" between you and your old DP and see how it goes.
Yeah don't do this.
You have a son together, it's great that you get along and it can only be a positive thing for your child.
Reigning back for a partner of seven months is stupid, he can jog on if he doesn't like it.
You took your son on a 2 week holiday with your boyfriend only 7 months in ?
I think you will find that was a mistake. Evidenced by this thread and it won't get better.
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