PLEASE HELP

[Finished90]

Not an AIBU but only post on here..

Longtime poster just NC because I'm a fucking shit parent and don't want to be outed.

I had DD2 3 weeks ago, DD1 is 2yo. DD2 doesn't sleep during the day, she'll wake up around 7/8am and will finally sleep again between 2-4pm. All fine if she was content and I could pop her down, shove dummy in her mouth etc but this isn't the case. She just wants to be held and rocked constantly which I understand as she's so teeny but she's constantly over tired, just wants to sleep but can't. She'll want to change positions constantly as I'm holding her so sling doesn't work.

She'll finally doze off after hours and then a few minutes later her eyes will bolt open and it'll take me another 2 hours to get her to that point where she's drowsy enough for a 5 minute nap only to repeat everything all over again. If I put her down when she's asleep she'll wake up and cry and cry. No reflux or anything, I'm mixed feeding and she's feeding well and is OK during the night (up every 1.5/2hrs for a feed but goes back down within 30-60 mins) it's just during the day it's an absolute nightmare.

I'm very fortunate to have my mum helping me at the moment but she's going in a few weeks and I have no clue how I'm going to cope with both of them without one being seriously neglected. I can't rock DD2 for hours and hours all day long as I'm doing now but I also can't leave her to cry. DD1 has become clingy since her sister was born and needs my attention. I can't get anything done and I'm exhausted I just don't know what to do. Please someone tell me this is normal and she will get better or any advice I'm starting to regret having her and feeling guilty for even thinking that. I had severe PND with my first and can feel it creeping back again. I just want to shut myself away, curl up in a ball and close my eyes. Please help.

[aaaaargghhhhelpme]

Didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry it sounds exhausting

First off. Have you spoken to your gp about Pnd? Maybe get that support in now. They might have a new mum's network to give more support too?

Practically speaking - have you tried a sling? Worked wonders for my first. They feel snug and warm from you as if being cuddled but you still have your hands free for dc1

But Definitely have a chat with gp and maybe health visitor will have some tips.

Sorry can't help more. Take care. You're doing an amazing job

[Snap8TheCat]

Have you tried swaddling? I know you say she's likes to shift position often but the startling awake is usually down to newborn babies having no control of their limbs and the jerking of them wakes them. Swaddling replicates the womb and can be comforting. Worth a try?

[Finished90]

Thank you help

No I haven't spoken to my GP because the only thing that's getting me really down is her not napping. If she was, I feel I would be fine. I feel depressed but I know the reason if that makes sense.

[Finished90]

snap I've actually ordered a swaddle blanket it's taking forever to come but has been dispatched. I'm so hoping it works but even when she's wrapped tightly in her blanket and I'm cuddling her she'll only sleep for 5 mins and then open her eyes and be wide awake and cranky. I don't put her down, nothing bothering her she just bolts her eyes open.

[Xchangedtohideid]

Hi x I'm in a similar situation but don't have any family support. Dd2 is now 5 months and will not sleep during the day either, unless on me, which means I feel I'm neglecting dd1. It has got a bit easier but not gonna lie, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. You'll be ok and if you have people who can help, take them up on it x

[wotabastard]

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look up youtube videos on baby wearing and get that baby strapped on tight! You will be able to do stuff again and she will feel so secure and happy cuddled up to you. Prices vary obviously and this is one of the cheaper ones.

[Teamkhaleesi]

You're not a shit parent you're doing your best. I will be in your situation soon and am dreading this scenario but its temporary and will get easier as they get older (so they tell me....)

In the meantime I would use a baby carrier or sling as this was the only way I could get anything done with ds1. He was a bad sleeper (colic) but then we discovered white noise. Have you tried this? It worked absolute wonders for ds. You can get toys that play white noise or play it from an app on your phone and it never failed to work on DS.

[EatTheChocolateTeapot]

Does she fall asleep breastfeeding or while you are rocking her?
Mine always fell asleep breastfeeding and I just kept them in my arms, but my son once fell asleep in a baby swing with his dad rocking him. The swing had a motor so could be left to rock the baby.

[Littlefrogletx]

I don't have any advice, but you are not a shit parent x

[Plipplops]

This lady is a night nanny who does Skype consultations. I've not used her (my kids are older) but I've heard her do a few talks and I think she's completely brilliant www.sleepforall.co.uk/

[user1488397844]

Have you tried white noise? Honestly a life saver for my clingy sleep hating newborn. You can get free apps that play it through your phone & it was like baby hypnosis they cant resist it! Worth a shot anyway. You're doing great so dont worry about that! You can also swaddle with a normal blanket incase that helps! Lots of videos on YouTube. Pop a t-shirt of yours in her basket/pram so she knows you're nearby, swaddle her up & pop on some white noise! Good luck hope this helps x

[Happyhippy45]

My Ds was like this.
I accidentally discovered that playing classical music on the radio right beside his Moses basket kept him quiet for a bit.
He got better during the day, and naps got a bit longer. He was still a bit clingy when he was getting tired but he started sleeping through the night MUCH sooner than his older sister did.
I really feel for you. It's so hard but it'll pass.

[Nikephorus]

mum helping me at the moment but she's going in a few weeks and I have no clue how I'm going to cope with both of them
Just remind yourself that a few weeks is a life time with a newborn and so while it's hell right now that doesn't mean it will be by the time your mum goes. And even if DD1 doesn't get that much attention now, she's not old enough to remember so won't hold it against you in later life. It will be ok, you just need to battle through this bit.

[chocolateworshipper]

You are absolutely not a shit parent. My first baby just wouldn't sleep for more than a few minutes at a time. At least I didn't have an older one at the same time, but I was still exhausted.

Does she fall asleep in her pram? In which case are you able to take her for a walk then leave her in there to sleep for a while when you get home.

I agree with the poster who suggested white noise - a friend uses an app that plays ocean sounds whilst the baby is asleep.

[d270r0]

I remember going through the same thing. It does get better! I'd experiment with other ways of getting dd2 to sleep. For example, if you stick her in a sling and go for a walk would she go to sleep? Or a walk in the pushchair, some babies fall asleep almost instantly in the pushchair or car. That way you can force naps when you want her to have them and get dd1 out the house at the same time. I got into a routine of taking my ds2 out in pushchair or car every day, sometimes twice a day. Sometimes I'd put him in the pushchair in the house or garden and push to and fro until he fell asleep. You'll manage. It does get easier.

[Kforkatie]

Another vote for baby wearing. I had my dd in a sling/ carrier for most of the first year of her life because she wouldn't sleep. Worth trying a few if you can (borrow from friends or find a local sling library), because I didn't get on with the first 2 I tried and nearly gave up. It was a lifesaver for me, and meant we could all get out and about while dh was at work.

[Butteredparsnip1ps]

You are not a shit parent. FWIW I hit a wall at about 3 weeks with all mine. You tell yourself you can do it, but after about 3 weeks your body is telling you something very different!

Where is your OH in this? Can he help out? One of the advantages of mixed feeding is that someone else can do a feed. Please do this if you can.

For us, DH did the early evening bottle feed, while I did bedtime with DC1. the 1:1 was good for both of us. I'd then get a couple of hours sleep before doing the night feeds (BF).

Even though DM has to go soon, if you can get some help (and some rest) now, you might find you cope better in a few weeks.

Good luck

[peneleope82]

Do you have a vibrating chair?

I bought one on eBay for £5 in desperation one day and my youngest would sleep in it no trouble in the day having refused all other options.

Sending you love and strength - it will get easier. Please do speak to your GP just so you've started the conversation on PND. Hang in there

[Floralnomad]

I think everyone who has this type of age gap finds this , you are definitely not alone or a shit parent . It's only for a few months whilst baby is tiny so if necessary forget 'doing ' anything , batch cook what you can when you have help at home ( or get you mum to fill the freezer) , let the older one watch the TV , play on a tablet whatever keeps her happy . Try and get out and about to soft play / park as that's keeping bigger one entertained whilst baby is being held / pushed whatever .

[mirrington]

My first son was like this, and after 3 weeks the health visitor suggested cranial osteopathy. It was magic! He slept for 22 hours straight when I brought him home (I fed him asleep and kept checking he was breathing!). My non-believing DH saw our son in a moses basket for the fist time. With DS 2 the problem was I needed to leave him alone. All the rocking, cuddling, feeding etc was just input for him and he was on overload. I only worked this out after I had hit the end of my tether and my tears were dripping on his little head so I told him I had to put him down for a minute while I pulled myself together and left him crying. He cried like a stuck pig for about 3 minutes and then went into a deep sleep. You are doing all the right things, but it's hard when it's so utterly relentless. Ask your health visitor what she thinks. Just keep saying to yourself "this, too, shall pass" ..because it will.

[WomblingThree]

If your baby wants to be held constantly then cuddle the older one at the same time. Sit on the sofa, grab a quilt and all snuggle up together. Get books, drinks and toys and just chill.

Try to get your focus off getting the baby to sleep - she's obviously not going to - and make the most of some downtime. I used to recline on the sofa with my legs bent up, and put the baby in the dip between my legs with her head towards my knees IYSWIM. I could rock or bounce her a bit and still have my hands free to read to the toddler or whatever. Even from newborn she seemed to like a story or listening to the toddler playing.

Even if you have to hold her 24/7 (it won't last forever, I promise!), you can still give your older one the attention. The baby will hopefully be happy just being held and "joining in". Don't feel like a shit mother, you're really not. As long as everyone is fed and reasonably clean, you're fine. Your older child won't remember a time without the baby.

One thing I would say, let your mum do the housework/washing/cooking etc while you get used to two kids. Mine stayed for two weeks and although it was tempting to let her cuddle the baby/play with the older one, it's a much easier transition to being on your own if you do the childcare and let her do other stuff.

If you don't feel better in a few days, please see your GP. PND doesn't only have one manifestation, and it's much better to start sorting it as early as possible. I speak from bitter experience.

[TattyApples]

I'm agreeing 100% with mirrington .
My DD2 was exactly like you describe, and I also saw a qualified osteopath who did this cranial osteopathy. The sleeping wasn't as dramatic as mirrington's experience, but she became more content and easier to settle after our second session. The nerve at the back of her neck was playing her up and causing pain.
I will definitely be seeing a cranial osteopath for next baby if needed. Worth every penny.

[Jessi79]

hi
I have been in this situation - I have no advice though, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I felt like a sh*t parent and was diagnosed with PND too. Talking helped a LOT and I still feel the guilt I felt then about not giving DS1 enough attention. Good news is though, DS1 doesn't remember it at all and even though DS2 still likes to be close to me, he has brought so much joy that those days seem like a long time ago. It will get easier - I promise you xx

[MoosicalDaisy]

Try a mixture of music/white noise.

Also as she's sleeping better during the night, have you tried during the day to try and get her to sleep in a dark room?

[Enko]

I am another one who was going to suggest a Cranial Osteopath. Sounds like your baby is in pain with the way you describe her waking up.

You are not a shit mum at all You are a mum who is worried about her child and seeking help IMO that = a great mum.