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AIBU?

First time posting so be gentle but AIBU?

62 replies

Elenasparkles · 22/08/2017 10:50

Just want a general idea if I'm being unreasonable or not. The Ex (from hell) and I have a strained relationship, we try to shield DS from this as much as possible and mainly communicate via email/txt as tempers were constantly flaring. Have received a message from The Ex to say that he would like me to retroactively pay half of the cost of a passport he had issued to take DS abroad. Now in principle I have no problem splitting the cost as I obviously hope to take DS away at some point in the (very far off) future and would then need use of said passport to do this. However I think what bugs me is that The Ex has made a consistent point of never paying a penny more for DS than CSA demand he pay (we did have an arrangement between ourselves for the first year but post argument over divorce issues The Ex contacted CSA himself and asked to go through them, effectively dropping over £100), even to the point of asking me to give him his share of nappies out of a pack for his weekends, as he refused to buy any of his own, and if i didn't give him enough would then drive over 45 mins back to pick more up from me then to just buy his own packet!!! Now again I'm quite happy to support DS myself and never ask for anything additional from The Ex who is in full time, well paid employment and has managed to go on at least 2 holidays with new GF and her children this year alone, whilst im in part time employment and have been recently recovering from cancer and subsequent treatments. But him asking for me to pay back half of the passport I think is a little bit of a p*take as I have just spent put over £100 on DS new school uniform, coat, shoes, P.E kit etc and never asked him for a penny. So I suppose me question is if he expects me to pay half of the passport as this is an "additional expense" is it fair for me to ask for him to contribute half towards the cost of the school uniform? As this is an additional expense to my normal household expenditure ?!...Tia x

(Oh and he's also said that the passport will be returned WHEN I pay the £27.50...effectively withholding until I pay him which makes me very uncomfortable)

OP posts:
Ilovecoleslaw · 22/08/2017 10:53

What an asshole.

I'd definitely ask for money for the uniform, but I don't think you'll get anywhere with it tbh

SilverBirchTree · 22/08/2017 10:54

I can see why you don't want to pay him- he sounds horrible!! Driving to collect nappies from you rather than buy them is just so petty of him.

I'm not sure he has the legal right to withhold your son's passport from you. Maybe someone else will know for sure.

Peachyking000 · 22/08/2017 10:55

YANBU though I would pay it just to avoid having him use it as a weapon. I'd pay by cheque or bank transfer though so you have proof, if it's ever needed. Obviously he is being a berk though

SilverBirchTree · 22/08/2017 10:56

And yes, re: uniform etc. I'd reply saying

'happy to fund 50% of the passport. I've deducted the amount I owe you from your 50% of the £X spent on his uniform etc. your share is now only £Y. When can I expect payment?'

ImperialBlether · 22/08/2017 10:56

Send him a message: "Oh what a good idea, splitting extra costs. I've just spent X, Y and Z which adds up to £X more than half the cost of the passport. Can you send it asap? Thanks."

ImperialBlether · 22/08/2017 10:56

X post!

SilverBirchTree · 22/08/2017 10:57

Great minds, Imperial!

thekillers · 22/08/2017 10:58

Don't pay. Just mention if he witholds it then you will get it cancelled. No use to him then.

honeysucklejasmine · 22/08/2017 10:59

YWNBU. What an unpleasant man he is.

astoundedgoat · 22/08/2017 11:00

He sounds like an utter bastard. I would tell him to piss off completely or, give him an itemised bill for the uniform as follows:

Uniform costs:
Jumpers x 1: £15
Trousers x 2: £20
Shirts (3 pack) x 1: £8.50
Socks (5 pack) x 1: £5
Shoes: £28
Trainers: £14
Sports kit: £16
Water bottle: £4

Total: £111.50

Less 50% share of passport cost (£27.50): £84

Please transfer the balance to my account before collecting DS on the X date. Failing this, it might be time to return to the courts to reassess division of costs. Do you have my solicitor's info from last time?


I don't know if this is practical or not, but he would really irritate me with this carry-on.

anotherAnotherUsername · 22/08/2017 11:01

Aren't the CSA payments to cover things like school uniform?

I'm not saying he's in the right, simply that the money he pays is supposed to not need topping up. What would you do if he keeps the passports and tells you to sort one out for your own holiday?

astoundedgoat · 22/08/2017 11:01

Dammit. DH came in while I was adding up the imaginary uniform costs, and I had to pretend to be doing something useful for a moment, and now I've cross posted with a bunch of people. Sorry. Blush

Elenasparkles · 22/08/2017 11:02

Thanks guys...sometimes he's just so bloody unreasonable I almost feel like maybe it is me being difficult (but I know its not, if that makes sense). I have sent a msg asking him if he would like to pay half towards the cost of the uniform and then deduct "my half" of the passport from his share of the uniform cost...but it's all just so ridiculous, and just really wanted to see what the general consensus is, as no doubt will have a scathing response within a few hours. I have no doubt that I'll see no money from him but just wanted to make sure I'm not the one being a prat! Will no doubt end up giving him the money so I have the passport back but it's just so frustrating.

OP posts:
SarfEast1cated · 22/08/2017 11:04

God, how can people be so horrible! The mind boggles that you have been so poorly and he is still harassing you for money.

MarcelineTheVampire · 22/08/2017 11:04

Surely the CSA payments cover the costs of your DC living with you?! Not to supply him with nappies on his time?! What a dick.

As pp have said, ask him to go halves on the uniform - doubt he will though. Urgh....I hate men like this.

Lambster · 22/08/2017 11:05

What an absolute tool...

Does he have form for being tight / petty ?

If it was me, I would pay half the passport.

I would also be tempted to make a spreadsheet of all the expenses relating to DS's care, which I imagine is going to be higher than the CSA payment and share the document with him. I would absolutely include school clothes and items on there.

Always stick to the facts and always get proof of any money you hand over to him.

ems137 · 22/08/2017 11:09

If he refuses to contribute "his half" of uniform costs I wouldn't give him money for DS passport. I would cancel it, but tell him why, and then reapply for one, alerting the passport office that your ex may try and call them.

My exH doesn't pay anything above the CSA minimum either and even now, 8 years later, refuses to buy them clothes for his house. All that they have there is a set of pyjamas each and tbh he doesn't even feed them adequately whilst there!

Elenasparkles · 22/08/2017 11:14

Thanks guys I'm glad that it's not just me thinking it's a bit of a d**k move on his part. I get that the CSA shouldn't need topping up but the amount he pays is honestly a pittance...though as I said in the original post I've never once asked for anything additional. Out of maintenance I pay for literally everything for DS even to the point if the Ex has him for over 10 days and DS hair could do with a trim he will leave it and ask me to get it cut, leaving DS with hair in his eyes and looking a bit tatty...im fully prepared to pay the cost of the passport as I can't be doing with any more arguing but I just think is a crappy thing to do.

OP posts:
Wheressummergone · 22/08/2017 11:19

The CSA minimum is just that, the minimum that he HAS to pay. Legally this is correct, morally not so.

He should be supplying all things the child needs when in his care though 🙄 Who the hell would drive for 45 minutes to get more nappies when they cost £4 Hmm maybe call his bluff on that one Wink.

Re the passport, I would just pay it, you've said you will need it in the future. Some things are worth fighting about, some not. You can't reason with stupid after all Hmm.

araiwa · 22/08/2017 11:19

He already gives you money that is supposed to be used for things like school uniform.

You should give him some for the passports if you intend to use them

YouDancin · 22/08/2017 11:20

FGS what an arsehole he is.

If the CSA payments are correct then the money he pays ONLY covers the time youur child is with you so HE should be bloody paying for nappies etc whilst he he has access.
I would lock the door and not give him a thing. I've never heard anything SO ridiculous as driving to collect nappies rather than buying them. I hope you don't seend spare clothes along when they visit.
My friend used to do that and never got the decent clothes back - only the dirty old ones.

Poor you. He sounds like a completely controlling arse.
Personally I wouldd NOT pay for the passport. You can pretty much GUARANTEE that, unless you have "behaved impeccably" (according to HIS standards) that when you come to need the passport it will be lost and you will need to buy one again anyway.
They only last 5 years for a child. And as you say, offset against the school uniform etc etc it is nothing.
Sorry you have to deal with such an arse.

ssd · 22/08/2017 11:21

he's an out and out dickhead

could be worse though op, you could still be with him....

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Gizmo79 · 22/08/2017 11:21

I just love the system. Yes, apparently CMS payments are meant to cover everything, from food, uniforms, regular clothes, shoes, oh and childcare costs.

Really, the amount I get covers less than 3 days childcare- it's pathetic.
When I asked my ex to help I got told to quit my job and claim benefits. Oh and he refused any contact (twat!)

Some men are just losers.

The system lets them get away with being like this though.

missiondecision · 22/08/2017 11:22

Genuine question here, sorry to hijack.
How do you share a passport ?

calzone · 22/08/2017 11:26

I absolutely couldn't pay for half the passport.

When you need one for ds apply for a new one saying it's been lost. I bet he doesn't hand it over to you anyway.

Idiot.

And definitely tell him he owes you uniform money.

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