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AIBU to think it's too soon after birth to go away and leave me on my own?

(122 Posts)
DanaScully83 Tue 22-Aug-17 06:46:44

Hi everyone I gave birth 3 1/2 weeks ago and think my hormones are making me behave slightly irrationally so please do tell me if I am BU!

After a very traumatic labour I had to have an emergency c section 3 1/2 weeks ago. LO was born at 35 weeks so it was a very worrying time.

Anyway DP has to go away for work 2 days and one night later this week. He just told me today he now needs to leave tomorrow morning and will be away 3 days now.

I'm really upset and feeling quite angry. I'm still meant to be recovering from the c section and found out today I have also developed an infection which needs antibiotics.

We're living in my DP's home country so I have no other help and support here - essentially for the next 3 days I'm on my own. I'm tired , emotional and feel quite ill from the infection. Am I BU to be angry at DP for not telling his boss he can't go? When did your DP first leave you alone after birth?

Hapaxlegomenon Tue 22-Aug-17 06:51:05

I think it depends on the circumstance but it sounds like you aren't ready to be left with the baby on your own right now. I would feel angry/scared too. I think my DH left me for a week business trip around 4 weeks after, but I had my mum stay with me. I wouldn't have been able to be left alone at that stage X

Hapaxlegomenon Tue 22-Aug-17 06:54:17

Can u call an agency and hire a nanny to help u for 3 days?

Mushroomburger17 Tue 22-Aug-17 06:54:48

I absolutely could not have coped with that. Similar circumstances to you. Can anyone come to you? Family?

SockQueen Tue 22-Aug-17 06:57:32

I think my DH left me overnight for work at a similar time post-partum, and it was OK. BUT I had had a straightforward vaginal birth so was probably in much better shape physically, AND my mum could come down and stay to help out. So YANBU at all to not feel ready for him to be away! Hope you can work out a way to get the support you need.

WipsGlitter Tue 22-Aug-17 06:58:59

Is he back at work? Can you pin down what you need practical help with, and make a plan to address that e.g. Getting bottles made up during the night.

Or is it emotional support?

Realistically it's not always that easy to just tell an employer you can't go on a trip.

ktkaye Tue 22-Aug-17 07:00:08

YANBU. He needs to stay. If you were up about and feeling on top of it all that would be different. As it is it sounds as though you are (quite rightly) in need of support at the moment. I'd also be worried about your health taking a nosedive if you don't get some rest and a chance to recover from the infection. I think sometimes partners don't realise quite how hard it all is and how tired and ill birth can make you. My OH had to go back to work 2 days after I got home from the hospital with DC. Luckily I had had a 'easy' birth but it was still all so hard and I resented him for leaving me. He needs to not go or find an acceptable alternative, do you have family who could fly over for the week? Friends? Xx

user1479669774 Tue 22-Aug-17 07:00:24

Your not being unreasonable to be upset. My DS is 4 weeks old and my DH has had to go abroad for 7days for work, I'm on day 2 so far.

SilverBirchTree Tue 22-Aug-17 07:01:18

YANBU - you're still recovering!

I'd be asking DP to cancel or delay the trip.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Tue 22-Aug-17 07:01:29

Am I BU to be angry at DP for not telling his boss he can't go?

Sorry but YABU. He has a job to do for which he is paid.

ChilliMary Tue 22-Aug-17 07:04:06

Yes, way too soon.

Hmmalittlefishy Tue 22-Aug-17 07:04:50

I don't think you can compare with other people as everyone recovers differently and has different circumstances.
I would be annoyed about the timing that you haven't been able to prepare - mentally or practically ie getting in easy to make food etc
Try not to be angry it won't help just use these days to cuddle up with your baby and not much more. More planning next time

Mushroomburger17 Tue 22-Aug-17 07:07:12

Sorry but YABU. He has a job to do for which he is paid

But she's three weeks post section and can probably barely walk and distance, let alone lift and push a pram. She's also got an infection. I'd imagine she's pretty much bed and housebound and needs someone to care for her. If imagine she's in a bit of a mess. Throw a new born with round the clock needs into the mix and it's a disaster.

Increasinglymiddleaged Tue 22-Aug-17 07:07:17

Sorry but YABU. He has a job to do for which he is paid.

Here we go the obedient little MN worker bees.

Yanbu op. You are recovering from/ having complications after major surgery and have a newborn baby to look after. If he really has to go then you need someone else with you.

Figgygal Tue 22-Aug-17 07:08:41

I had a very "easy" emcs in October and was driving again at week 4 so I probably could have coped but wouldn't have wanted to either

Figgygal Tue 22-Aug-17 07:09:18

Is it really essential? What does your dh say? I'm surprised he's so blasé about it

MaryShelley1818 Tue 22-Aug-17 07:10:45

I'm 23wks pregnant and my DP works's part of his job role and agreed contract so saying 'no' wouldn't be an option.

BertrandRussell Tue 22-Aug-17 07:14:23

Not everyone can just tell work they can't do things. Is saying no an option, OP? Has he tried to delay/cancel?

Sirzy Tue 22-Aug-17 07:17:35

It depends on the job a lot too some jobs it simply isn't an option not to go.

I would look at going down the nanny route, or can a relative or friend fly over to help for a short while?

If he has to go then he needs to help you find a way to be supported at the same time

welshweasel Tue 22-Aug-17 07:19:07

My DH had to go away at a similar time (only for a night though). I also had a section at 35 weeks so understand how you're feeling. I arranged for a friend to come and stay, which made me feel better about it. To be honest though, it was good for me, it made me realise that I could cope well on my own.

zzzzz Tue 22-Aug-17 07:20:15

If you are being treated for the infection then I think it's fine and so long as he leaves you set up with food, nappies, phone and I would imagine tv. It will be manageable. Dh went back to work 5 days a week in a different country when my first was 2 weeks old BUT I didn't have a c section or infection. I wasn't driving though and pretty housebound. I liked the "snugged up with the baby" feeling though and did salary feeds us all so it felt like a team effort in a way.
It all sounds a bit last minute which makes things harder with a baby. Can you make a list of what will make it possible? Don't be cross with each other, it will make everything miserable and it sounds like he's going to have to do it anyway.

GraceGrape Tue 22-Aug-17 07:23:08

My DH took my DSS away for a few days 3 weeks after DD1 was born by CS. It was his week to have him and we thought it would be good for DH to spend some time with him on his own. I was able to go to my parents' house though. If there is no other support for you (in-laws?) I think he should do his best to minimise the time away.

endofthelinefinally Tue 22-Aug-17 07:25:07

If he really has to go, HE should have organised proper care for you.
You have had major abdominal surgery, complicated by infection. You have a newborn to care for.
Of course you need care and support.
Fair enough if he can't do it, but he absolutely should have organised and paid for a competent person to stay with you.

FlyingElbows Tue 22-Aug-17 07:25:57

Oh do fuck off with your "worker bees" rubbish, Increasinglymiddleaged. Not everyone has the luxury of paternity leave. My husband returned to work the day after each of our children was born because if he doesn't work we don't eat. Not everyone is a salaried employee with a contract. Astonishingly enough we survived and op you'll survive too. It's not ideal but if you've got family for support then use them. If not look in to hiring professional support.

5rivers7hills Tue 22-Aug-17 07:26:17

I don't think going away is an issue as losing as he puts in place appropriate support for you for the hose three days.

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