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AIBU?

To be disappointed?

32 replies

bertiesgal · 21/08/2017 22:40

DD is the first of four and we're still learning the ropes of parenthood. She has just turned 7. We have recently moved house and we were delighted to find that our new neighbourhood which is minutes from our old has way more kids.

DD has spent the summer months playing out on the street and making friends just like I did at the same age.

Tonight she can't sleep because one of the girls has been showing everyone horror movies in her bedroom. Our kids don't have devices or TVs in their bedrooms. They have plenty of access to tv in the house but never unsupervised.

I'm disappointed that DD has been exposed to something that would frankly terrify me. I feel guilty that we let this happen but at the same time we want her to have some freedom.

AIBU to hope that the parents of 7/8 year olds have a vague handle on what their kids are watching under their roof?

Prepares to have arse handed to me on a plate.

I'm British so I won't confront the parents,
I will just secretly rage while teaching DD coping mechanisms (like leaving the hall light on and asking her what nana would do-nana has dementia and is always completely direct-DD thinks nana would tell the scary doll with no eyes to put on a scarf as it will catch a chill Hmm).

I'm fucking raging and I feel guilty for entrrusting my PFB to the poor judgement of other parents....

OP posts:
Nuttynoo · 21/08/2017 22:44

Best thing to do in this situation would be to tail off the visits and expand her friend circle.

bertiesgal · 21/08/2017 23:30

Agreed. I'm not just raging for DD, I'm also raging for her friend who has anxiety according to her mum-no bloody wonder!

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MoodyMumOfOne · 21/08/2017 23:49

Would it help if you briefly explained/reminded her about them being actors, and how much they must enjoy dressing up and pretending to be scary, the cameras etc iyswim xx

bertiesgal · 22/08/2017 00:03

Thanks moodymum,that's actually a really good idea.

I hope that DD will bounce back from this but I also feel put out as the principle of the thing is that I feel that our right as patents to protect our child from crap like this has been taken from us.

While I realise that letting her play with other children is handing over some of that control, I guess we were naively thinking that most parents are on a similar level to us -lesson learned the hard way I guess.

I also feel sorry for the child who showed her the movies as there will be nobody to make her feel better about it.

She can't tell her parents why she's scared as they'll blame her for accessing inappropriate material but really the responsibility lies with themif that makes sense.

The whole thing just pisses me off Angry

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MoodyMumOfOne · 22/08/2017 00:14

I totally get where you are coming from x

Cavender · 22/08/2017 00:22

Why on earth wouldn't you tell the other parents? Confused

It doesn't need to be a confrontation, it just needs to be a quiet chat: "just thought you'd want to know..."

MyheartbelongstoG · 22/08/2017 00:29

Op, please don't tail off visits. My youngest is 8 and has seen bits of horror movies. I don't like it but she isn't scared, she knows its just made up.

I showed her some clips on you tube of actors acting and they cut to show how they stop acting and are themselves. The visual nipped it in the bud maybe.

Please talk to the parents. I would want to know and would be grateful if you spoke to me. Its amazing what they can get up to when you just go for a pee!

I'm sure you've made a few mistakes yourself along the way and I say that nicely.

Casmama · 22/08/2017 00:33

Totally agree with myheart- we all drop the ball at times - if you haven't, you will.

Please tell the parents

TheFrendo · 22/08/2017 01:08

What films has she watched in her friend's bedroom?

bertiesgal · 22/08/2017 01:15

I'm not meaning to drip feed here but the mum has already gone to war with another mum over something much more minor.

I am not a perfect mum and I would genuinely want to know if the situation were reversed but from my brief interactions with this mum I think she would interpret any helpful advice as judgemental bitchiness.

I could be totally wrong but as we share the same street and our kids attend the same primary school I'd prefer to cut my losses Sad

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bertiesgal · 22/08/2017 01:20

Should clarify that by "cut my losses" I mean say nothing to the mum and minimise contact between DD and her kid until I'm confident that DD can assert herself.

I'm aware it's self preservation but I don't see other mum being remotely receptive to any advice (from observing her response to other mums).

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vikingprincess81 · 22/08/2017 01:33

Seconding the advice to watch special effects videos on YouTube- they helped my dc when he was scared of something he'd seen in an advert. Seeing the person as they should be, then seeing them apply the make up/prosthetics really helped him see it was all fake.
Sounds like it's self preservation to not tell the mum. I'd want to know if it were me, but wouldn't react as you've said. Sharing a street and school can make things tricky, so it may be wise to pick your battles - there's no point getting into a feud unless absolutely necessary.

bertiesgal · 22/08/2017 10:57

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'll YouTube some videos tonight.

I have no idea what the film is but it involves a doll with its eyes gouged out! Confused.

DH also feels mum would interpret any mention of it as criticism so we'll just leave it.

Isn't it funny how much adults behave like children and have to be managed?

The older I get, the more I realise that school playground politics isn't just for kids.

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SmileEachDay · 22/08/2017 11:21

OP your "right to protect your child" has not been taken from you - you are removing it by not mentioning it to the other mother.

Isn't it funny how much adults behave like children and have to be managed? - you are behaving like a child by not dealing with it - one of the things your DD needs to see is that something scary happened and mummy went and helped her deal with it.

She will learn being assertive best by seeing you behave assertively.

missiondecision · 22/08/2017 11:39

The parents maybe won't respond well but I would be sticking to facts and just say "I thought Id mention it in case you don't know". Leave it at that.
The problem imo is that by not mentioning it to her, you look like a gossip if you mention it to someone else.

bertiesgal · 22/08/2017 11:40

Hi Smile.

Thank you for your opinion. In life we pick our battles. I have carefully considered the possible outcomes of having a word with this mum and I don't think it's worth it.

If I were to speak to her I certainly wouldn't do it in front of DD so DD wouldn't benefit from it as a learning experience anyway.

There is a balance between assertiveness and realising that things can escalate. I have made a judgement based on my experience of this mum.

I don't think I'm acting like a child and I think that insults like that distract from an otherwise well made point.

Can we keep it civilised?

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bertiesgal · 22/08/2017 11:42

Mission in an ideal world is be able to have that kind of conversation but I just don't think mum is robust enough for it.

Promise I won't gossip about it other than on an anonymous forum Grin

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Grace789 · 22/08/2017 11:44

I had a similar issue where my child (8) had been shown a horror film, I made a massive deal of Halloween, got him to make a scary costume so he could see it was all theatre.
The YouTube video sounds a good idea!

wowbutter · 22/08/2017 11:52

This happened to me when I was about seven too, a friend of mine showed me a horror film on vhs. Her older sister and her friends were taking care of us, and ought it was hilarious. I lasted about ten minutes, ran away and cried until I threw up.
It fucked me up for months, if not years after. I was terrified of public toilets, where a particularly gruesome scene happened. But, I could not tell y parents, or anyone, so I kept it inside, and didn't deal.
You are already helping your daughter, and now you can help her make informed choices if a friend does this again. She can say no and leave, and you can stop her being left alone with people that may do this.
There isn't anything you can do now, the best thing you can do is reassure her, and help her throug this.
Please stop stressing, she will be fine. I'm not a total psycho.

SmileEachDay · 22/08/2017 11:52

If I were to speak to her I certainly wouldn't do it in front of DD so DD wouldn't benefit from it as a learning experience anyway - totally agree that you wouldn't talk in front of your DD. In your situation I would've said "oh dear, well it's brilliant that you've told me, I'm going to pop and chat with othermun about it - we need to make sure you're all only watching things that are ok" or similar. That way, she'd get the message that the grown ups take over and do the dealing with/protecting in some situations.


I don't think I'm acting like a child and I think that insults like that distract from an otherwise well made point.

Can we keep it civilised?


I borrowed your phrase about adults acting like children. I'm sure you didn't mean to be patronising, tone is so tricky on here, but you certainly sounded it! Smile

You've clearly made your mind up, but in answer to your question YABU to expect another parent to know absolutely everything that goes on under their roof especially when other grown ups won't share information when it comes their way.
Takes a village....

But you quietly seethe.

SomeOtherFuckers · 22/08/2017 12:00

I'm in my 20s and can't hack horror films the poor kid x

bertiesgal · 22/08/2017 12:01

Do you feel better now Smile? I do hope so Smile

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bertiesgal · 22/08/2017 12:02

Do you feel better now Smile? I do hope so Smile

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SmileEachDay · 22/08/2017 12:05

Better? How do you mean?

TractorTedTed · 22/08/2017 12:08

Actually op, I totally agree with your stance on this. I wouldn't confront the other mum either. It seems to me that you've judged the situation perceptively . If your comments aren't going to be well received, then it's probably better focusing on your dd instead - teaching her coping strategies etc.

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