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Family broken up and it's all my fault.

(125 Posts)
dArtagnansCrumpet Mon 21-Aug-17 19:43:01

I know IABU and so is my husband and so is my DH but it's all kicked off today and family has gone to shit.

Basically I was on my way back to the park and i bumped into my grandma. She offered to take my son (who has ASD) on the bus back to mine and i would meet her there as my son was repeating bus over and over. It was a simple ten minute ride and i would meet them at my house at the other end. Son was happy to go, i wasn't 100% but never am as my son can be unpredictable and my grandma is fairly ignorant about autism but means well so I thought I'd let him go this once as she was extremely persistent and guilt tripped me.

So I'm anxious the whole time, I rush to get home 20 mins has passed and no sign. I try to call her, she's on the phone, I ring my dad to try and chase what's going on. Apparently she's already rang him and said she's taken him to her house and he's as good as gold. I'm panicking now. 45 mins has gone by, i manage to get a hold of her and she says hes being good but is slamming doors over and over. I ask her to bring him back immediately. She says she's waiting on the bus. 1.5hours later, he arrives back. I'm shaken and fuming.

I tell dh (who is really not keen on her at all) and he goes ballistic swearing saying what a horrible woman she is. Without me knowing he texts my dad, telling him to tell her to stop pushing her opinions and pressuring people into stuff and he is furious and furious that I'm upset too. I believe some swear words were used. My dad is livid texts me to tell dh never to speak to him like that again. My mum's not speaking to me now either.

Dad told dh to man up and tell her himself and gave him grans number. So he did, he explained how she'd upset me and was sick of her interfering and pressuring us as a family. She told him to bollocks and put the phone down. He rang back and said can we please talk about what happened and how youve upset crumpet. She said awww I feel so sorry for her and dh said well if that's how you feel just stay away from us sad.

I spoke to dh and he said he's sick of this woman always picking on people and getting away with it. Noone challenges her. She has had a grudge against my sister for not saying thank you quick enough after she got some Christmas money. He said all he cares about is protecting me, and DC and to hell with every one else.

No doubt gran will be insulting us to everyone as we speak, she will not forgive this, she never lets go of a grudge ever. My parents aren't talking to me and dont know if they will. Im sure the fallout will effect dads and grans relationship somehow.

Shit.

Feilin Mon 21-Aug-17 19:53:26

Christ thats awful . She did the wrong thing by just assuming she could do what she liked with your child . What a row. Leave it a couple of days before trying to speak to your dad etc. Honestly dont know how thatll go for you .

kali110 Mon 21-Aug-17 19:54:30

Is there a. Backstory? Do your dh and them generally not get on?
Why were you so panicked when he was with them ?

Ditsy1980 Mon 21-Aug-17 19:54:42

I'm sorry this has all happened but I don't understand the issue with your Grandma.
Was it just the change in routine / lack of knowledge of what she was doing that upset you? Is there a bigger back story? It seems like a massive over-reaction from your side / DH to this one incident.

kali110 Mon 21-Aug-17 19:57:43

ditzy me neither, if it had been a few hours then i'd understand, but it hadnt.
She shouldn't have changed where she was going, but i think (unless huge story) a big overeaction.

LadyMaryCrawley1922 Mon 21-Aug-17 19:58:08

Your DH was a complete dick. He needs to start apologising and fast.

Brittbugs80 Mon 21-Aug-17 19:59:46

From that, your Husband sounds a twat. Unless there is a massive back story.

She should have been told of she was taking him to hers to tell you so you didn't worry.

But it seems like your DH went way over the top. The family fall out has been caused by him.

MissionItsPossible Mon 21-Aug-17 20:00:26

It's not all your fault but it sounds like a mess. Hope it all gets sorted out.

PumpkinPie2016 Mon 21-Aug-17 20:00:38

I think the whole thing has been blown out of proportion tbh - unless there is missing information!

As far as I can tell, yes your grandma changed plans and should have rung you but you found out that your son was with grandma, safe and being good. Grandma was getting the bus to yours with him a bit later. She delivered him back safe and well.

Do you have any reasons to believe she wouldn't? As if not, I can't really see why there was so much upset?

dArtagnansCrumpet Mon 21-Aug-17 20:00:50

It was more the fact my son has autism and is unpredictable, he's not been to her house in a long time and wouldnt remember, she'd have no idea how to cope with him if he did breakdown.

Yes, a bit of a backstory, she's always got to be in control. If you don't like something she does if you call her out she basically cuts you out and throws vile abuse at you. If she doesn't like something you have done it can be worse, you've always got to go along with what she wants. She says some pretty awful bigoted, racist etc things. She once told my daughter shes naughty and I should smack her hand for not talking (she's v shy).

MyKingdomForBrie Mon 21-Aug-17 20:01:54

Not quite sure why your reactions were so extreme. She shouldn't have taken him without telling you but he wanted to go on the bus so she took him, and she's jus grandma what did you think she was going to do?? Your husband was extremely abusive and should have calmly explained that it's not ok to not let you know what she's doing or check it's ok. No shouting swearing etc needed

Purplemac Mon 21-Aug-17 20:02:28

I don't think your DH was a dick at all. FFS you don't take a person's child off them, tell them you'll bring them straight home, then take them anywhere else without even letting the parent know!! Your gran was completely out of line and it sounds like it was the tip of the iceberg for your DH. He shouldn't have got your parents involved so he should apologise to them, but other than that he did the right thing.

DillyDilly Mon 21-Aug-17 20:03:12

What age is your gram ? I think yourself and your DH massively over-reacted. Once you found they went back to her house instead of yours, why didn't you go and collect him instead of sitting fuming for 1.5 hours ?

Even the title of your post is over dramatic.

mounyaandyiolanda Mon 21-Aug-17 20:04:45

Is there something you're not telling us? Your gran said he was happy and she'd bring him back. She was a bit late and your husband literally went berserk phoning and texting people.

I get you might have been a bit miffed at her taking so long but couldn't you just have phoned her again or offered to pay for a taxi?

Your husband, I'm afraid, is not coming out well in this

dArtagnansCrumpet Mon 21-Aug-17 20:05:10

She does tend to bully people to get what she wants. Like she wanted my dad to fix her aerial but he was busy so she kicked off and starting calling him names. She just calls people names and is just expect to get away with it "because that's just how she is". She tried to pull DS trousers down for a wee in a bush and went on and on at him but he wouldn't as he knows he has to go on a toilet for example

LivLemler Mon 21-Aug-17 20:05:31

Sounds to me that your DH may have snapped after years of holding it in.

DillyDilly Mon 21-Aug-17 20:06:13

Also, if your gran is such an awful person, why did you let your DS go with her???

Sounds to me like you realised afterwards your DH wouldn't approve so you turned in the dramatics to blame your grandson so your DH wouldn't be annoyed with you.

mounyaandyiolanda Mon 21-Aug-17 20:06:20

Why did you allow him to go with your gran if you don't like her? confused surely you just say "no sorry we've got plans."

Slightlyperturbedowlagain Mon 21-Aug-17 20:07:10

Actually on the account you have given I dont think YABU, I think your DH didn't handle it appropriately but especially given the ASD your gran should not have decided to take your son to her house without discussing it with you, it was very inappropriate. Yes she probably is insulting you to everyone she knows, but IME the people she knows will already have some idea what she is like. If your dad isn't prepared to stand up her that's his choice but you don't have to do the same. I think you need to let it all calm down and step back from your family for a bit before trying to rebuild bridges, but on your terms wrt what happens with your son.

dArtagnansCrumpet Mon 21-Aug-17 20:07:41

She's 84 I think. He doesn't know her overly well but does know her. I said to dh he should have been much nicer to my dad especially and he agreed.

PerfectlyPooPoo Mon 21-Aug-17 20:10:19

I'm with your dh here and good on him for calling her out. Your ds autism and she shouldn't have taken him out of his comfort zone without you knowing about.

dArtagnansCrumpet Mon 21-Aug-17 20:11:12

Definitely a tip of iceberg thing with dh. She basically strongarmed him onto the bus with "he wants to go on the bus I'll take him no I am taking him look how happy he is".

WyfOfBathe Mon 21-Aug-17 20:12:00

I would have been furious as well. You can't just decide to take someone else's child to your house.

Cherrytart6 Mon 21-Aug-17 20:13:44

Your granny sounds awful BUT you chose to let him go with her. You could have said no and just put up with any crap she dealt. Grow a backbone! Also why on earth did your DH involve your parents? He was utterly rude to them! He should have taken it up directly with your granny if there was a issue. Either way it's much better to go in trying to work out a way forward rather then threatening and swearing.

DillyDilly Mon 21-Aug-17 20:15:03

Your gran is 84 - how stupid of you to let her take your DS with her, knowing that his behaviour can be unpredictable.

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