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AIBU?

AIBU to be a bit scared of giving birth alone?

44 replies

user1497814823 · 21/08/2017 18:39

I've never posted before so please be gentle... I'm currently nearly 38 wks preg. I already have a child who is in reception at school and also have a DH. We live a couple of hundred miles from any family and only have a handful of friends locally.
Long story short- my mum was going to come to stay for a few weeks around my due date so we had 24/7 childcare when baby decides to appear, but this is no longer possible due to her having health problems. That's life - she genuinely isn't well enough and feels bad so I've told her not to worry and that I'll line up a friend to have DC so she doesn't worry... But there really isn't anyone to ask so it's looking pretty likely that the only solution is to go in on my own whilst DH looks after DC.
My AIBU is that DH is really dismissive about it. I'm a bit upset and as my due date draws closer, I'm having a wobble about being on my own. I'm hoping to go to a midwife led centre as I'm currently low risk, and my first birth was pretty straightforward- so fingers crossed that happens again. But I am hospital phobic and terrified of what will happen if any complications arise and I need to go to hospital for intervention or emcs on my own! DH also won't entertain me having a home birth either. I've tried to talk to DH about my fears, but he basically tells me to man up, stop looking for problems and just get on with it. I've looked into hiring a doula, but at around £800 we really can't afford it and DH thinks it's stupid anyway. The whole thing is making me increasingly anxious... But I'm not sure if DH is being really cold and unsupportive or whether he has a point, and I should try to get my emotions in check and try to just get on with it. I'm usually pretty tough and independent and self sufficient- so my emotional reaction over this is probably out of character to be fair to DH. Perfectly happy to be told iabu (kindly please) if you think I am.

OP posts:

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Cloudyapples · 21/08/2017 18:42

Where in the world/country are you op?

Bobbiepin · 21/08/2017 18:43

YANBU. Have you had a chat with DH about how anxious it makes you and how important it is to you that he's there for the birth of your child? Definitely worth discussing your anxieties with your MW too. Is there anyone you know from DC's school/nursery or a neighbour that you could leave him with when the time comes? Or any other family that could come over for an extended period of time?

MrsCrankypants · 21/08/2017 18:44

Would there be any organisations where someone would accompany you as a volunteer rather than paying a doula? Would a friend sit with you while your DH stays with DC?

user1497814823 · 21/08/2017 18:44

U.K. - in the south west.

OP posts:

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 21/08/2017 18:45

I really would beg a favour from one of the other class mothers, as your DC is in reception.

calmanban · 21/08/2017 18:46

Aww. You're not going to want to hear this but I could have quite happily managed with just the midwives. I did actually for almost 2hrs whilst dh waiting on other dc babysitter. There were times when I was glad he was there... and def others where I could have quite cheerfully kicked him in the balls. It was nice he was there... but I could have managed without if I had to. I'm sure you'll be fine x

WorraLiberty · 21/08/2017 18:46

He won't entertain you having a home birth?

Well tough shit!

Have one OP

Batteriesallgone · 21/08/2017 18:46

Your DH is being a dick IMO. Is that because he doesn't want you to be alone either and doesn't want to acknowledge / think about it?

When you say you can't afford a doula does that mean you really can't or you don't want to prioritise it? I would be shooting it straight to the top of my priority list. Trainee doulas are often cheaper, £800 sounds a lot - I paid more like £500 for a very good and experienced doula.

craigslittleangel · 21/08/2017 18:48

When I was pregnant with my second child, we knew that unless she maid an appearance between 8 and 6.30 Monday to Friday I would be on my own to give birth. There was just no one else to look after my eldest apa

Oncandystripedlegs · 21/08/2017 18:49

Is there really no one you can ask to look after your dc ? I have done this for a friend in the middle of the night and another friend did the same for me at 3am . I had a few people on standby as no family nearby . In the end my partner missed my second dds birth ( I was induced) as it was very quick . I mostly laboured alone and it was actually fine as you are so focussed on the birth . But I would have liked my partner there if I had the chance .

LetBartletBeBartlet · 21/08/2017 18:50

YANBU and your dh can fuck right off.

Do you have a phone number for any of the other reception mums? Even just from when you've answered an invite or similar?

I'd honestly be happy to look after a classmate of my child in this situation.

Alternatively you could look at childminders/babysitters?

Why does your dh get the final say about home birthing? What does he expect will happen if there are complications and you need an advocate?

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 21/08/2017 18:50

I second the pp - ask one of his reception friends' parents. They must live reasonably close to you (within 30mins) for the kids to be at school together.

I can honestly say that any one of 15.-20 parents at my reception child's school would have been happy to take dc1 overnight if we'd needed them to.

There's no harm asking xx

ZippyCameBack · 21/08/2017 18:52

YANBU, but if it helps, the best of my 5 labours was the one where MrZ looked after the older children and I was at the hospital on my own.
I had a midwife all to myself and she was very kind and supportive. The previous labour in the same hospital, the (same) midwife was in and out. I was also able to get off my face on gas and air without having MrZ seeing me or trying to tell me I was using the gas thingy wrong (he gets very pedantic when stressed!). I was surprised by how much more relaxed I was compared to what I'd expected, and I felt really pleased with myself for getting through it so well.
I was kind of dreading it, but it was fine. If you put something in your birth plan about being anxious about being alone then your midwife will know you need extra support.
I hope it goes well for you and I'm sure you will be fine. I think your husband could have been more sympathetic though.

Bungleboggs · 21/08/2017 18:53

Do you think the a TA from school or dinner lady could help?! x

Fruitcorner123 · 21/08/2017 18:53

Have a home birth. Not his decision. You can hire a pool for less than £100. I was almost sold on a home birth this.time ( am 35 weeks) but cant now for medical reasons. Theres loads of info online and they dont take any risks so unless you are miles and miles from a hospital an ambulance would get you there pretty quick if circumstances changed. Talk it through with your midwife. Its your home, your body, your labour.

MrsBobDylan · 21/08/2017 18:55

You must just ask op, honestly, I would help anyone who needed emergency care for their dc so they didn't have to give birth alone. What about your DC's friends, could you ask one of their parents?

Your dh is being a dick I'm afraid.

Mushroomburger17 · 21/08/2017 18:56

I think you need to spell it out to your dh and make him aware of what your needs are. You get to dictate what you want. He doesn't get a say. If you really don't know anyone then put a request on fb and see what comes back. Contact local childminders as they usually have their ear to the ground.

Josieannathe2nd · 21/08/2017 18:56

Have a home birth! But also, of help out even if it was someone I don't know that well if they were in this situation. Do you have WhatsApp group or fb group for class parents? I'd put an ask out in that and ask if anyone feels they can help to get in touch.

MrsBobDylan · 21/08/2017 18:57

Actually, you might be better without him. Maybe ask a friend to be your birth partner?

Josieannathe2nd · 21/08/2017 18:57

I think it's really unfair of your husband to veto a home birth knowing that you and scared of hospital and not able to have his support there. Surely he wants the best birth for you possible and that has more chance of happening if you feel supported and calm.

Fruitcorner123 · 21/08/2017 18:58

But yes agree with pp that most friends would be happy to help. This isnt a babysitter for a night out. Its a complete one off and people dont mind being a little put out. Just be brave and.ask if thats what you want.( is she joining reception oryear 1?)

RiseToday · 21/08/2017 18:59

I'm south west and would definitely do this - for free!

Your husband is being a cock btw

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mycatloveslego · 21/08/2017 19:00

I've recently had DS2 and as DH works away I was prepared to do it alone as my MIL would be looking after DS1.
I worried about this from the moment I found out I was pregnant, to the extent that I had horrific nightmares about labour and a lot of anxiety symptoms.
As it turned out, the midwives were so fantastic, I really didn't need anyone else. It helped that my labour was short, and there were no complications.
I never thought I had it in me to give birth without DH and without any pain relief (unintentional due to speed of labour!) but I did and I am very proud of myself, who knew?
If you're keen on a home birth, maybe the home birth team could come out to you and DH to explain a bit more and maybe he might change his mind. If it was me and I wanted a home birth, I'd bloody well have one and he'd have to suck it up. Good luck with whatever you chose to do, and try not to worry. You CAN do it.

Oysterbabe · 21/08/2017 19:00

I would happily help out anyone I was vaguely acquainted with in this situation. Ask around, I'm sure you'll find someone.

ItsInTheDogsMouth · 21/08/2017 19:00

I asked dh to look after eldest whilst i was in labour, he'd been so bloody useless the first time, i figured he could do something useful the second time. I had a friend with me while i laboured and as it happened dh popped back for a nappy for eldest dc just as i was pushing, so he managed to stay for the birth, (i'd told him i was having home births, he wasn't happy..but hey...i was the one giving birth!). If i'd needed to go to hospital i knew it would be pretty serious and not much he could do in that situation anyway. I've also had a neighbours little boy here when she was in labour, it was lovely to be involved in her birth and good to help out. I'd ask your school mums to help with your dc if you want your husband present. I'd also seriously look into homebirths...perhaps he can chose where he gives birth when he's pregnant?

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