Curious whether iabu

[Lovinglife17]

My husband and i have been together 12 years married for 6 months.
A week ago he was talking about a place he had been to years ago, with an ex, he has spoken about it before, but could never remember where it was, so i (stupidly) said why dont you ask her, not thinking he would, never thought hed be interested in contacting her tbh but he, in the next second had his phone out sending her a friend request, so... I thought oh its fine, he just wants to know this place it a simple enough thing to find out! Anyway, they then proceeded to message each other all day, which i found out at bedtime, i was angry but thought ffs piss take! But then the next day i asked him if hed spoken to her that day and he said yes, which really got my back up, he recons they have alot to catch up on, its all platonic stuff, but it made me feel very insecure, but was trying to be ok with it, because i trust him, and who am i to say who he can and cant talk to! He said to me if i dont want him to talk he wont, but he seemed so happy to be talking to her i felt i should go with it, told him begrudgingly if he wants to be friends, fine but dont want him to be in constant touch with her, he seemed happy with that, but then i got thinking, wjy should i always put other peoples wants in front of my own, i felt insecure, uncomfortable with it, woeried old feelings might surface, and it inappropriate that hes a married man, shouldnt be having sessions of reminiaing with his first love, he had told me he would not want me doing the same thing, remininising with my ex, so i told him i did have a problem, i dont want them to be friends and told him basically what i put above, but was i unreasonable to do this? What are your opinions please

[PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox]

Why on earth did you suggest it to him then?!

He does seem rather keen but I do think you shot yourself in the foot suggesting it.

Out of interest just being nosy why have you only just got married after being together 12 years?

[anotherAnotherUsername]

Maybe he misses her ability to write coherently, use capital letters and paragraphs.

[AnyFucker]

Unpleasant replies so far

[DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings]

Wow.

Yanbu op

[AnyFucker]

Anywayyyyyy....

Op, you don't have to be cool about this if you are not feeling it. How would your H react if you spent all that time messaging an old lover ?

I can't imagine my H doing this (as you probably didn't when you suggested he just ask a simple question). If he did though, I would expect a quick flurry of conversation as they catch up and then for it to die away. There is no reason I can see for that level of interaction to continue.

[KeiraH]

Some rude and unnecessary replies.

I don't think you were being unreasonable at. I would not like that one bit. I hope he respects your wishes and stops contact. It's the fact that he told you he wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot. Begs the question of why does he think it's acceptable for him to carry on messaging her if he wouldn't like it himself.

[Mrscropley]

Why does anyone feel they need to catch up with an ex?
Sounds like he needs an ego stroke. .
Then it will be a penis stroke. . .

[WhooooAmI24601]

I don't think it's Unreasonable to feel insecure sometimes; it's human nature. I think perhaps he just assumed that since you'd 'okayed' the contact that you were ok with it continuing.

I also think that if you're not comfortable with the contact continuing you have every right to say so. You don't have to say "oh no, that's fine" unless it really is fine. Your feelings are equal to his in this.

I'm in touch with a few Exes as DH is with some of his. Neither of us complains or has an issue with it but I'd be miffed if he was in constant contact, definitely.

[QuiteLikely5]

Yanbu. Encourage him to nip this in the bud asap before it escalates. I'm sure that in the communication they've had so far he's been able to catch up with her past and vice Versa!

[anotherAnotherUsername]

"Begs the question of why does he think it's acceptable for him to carry on messaging her"

Because the OP told him to message her perhaps?

[Boulshired]

As long as it now stops it's OK, you did give him very mixed signals with I am alright with it, as long as it not too much and finally not at all. You have been together long enough to be able to have this conversation and respect each other's wishes.

[KeiraH]

Yes to ask one question not continue chatting to her all day and the following day. That to me is taking a piss somewhat

[RhiWrites]

He's excited to have caught up with her. It will probably die down naturally if you stop dreaming out about it, OP.

[PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox]

I didn't think my reply was rude or unnecessary

The OP suggested asking her and then said it was ok to carry on (even though she didn't like it) which is why he did. He's not a mind reader! Obviously she's now made it clear she's not happy but surely that would have been a better thing to say at the start?

And I asked about marriage as you sometimes find couples who have been together for years then suddenly get married, do it because of problems in the relationship that they think marriage will fix. I've seen the same thing happen to 3 couples i know. My point was, he seems a bit keen so maybe there's something wrong there.

[SonicBoomBoom]

You suggested it, that was silly.

For me it would depend on whether it was a "Hi, long time no speak, what have you been up to for the last 15 years", or if it was with the intention of restarting the friendship and building on that going forward.

The former I'd be fine with, the latter not so much.

[Lovinglife17]

We always planned on getting married but life and kids got in the way, so eventually we did it, thats the reason, we are a strong couple, just wandered what peoples thoughts were, yes i agree i gave him mixed signals, and if it had been a brief conversation between them id not have given any more thought to it, but 2 days struck me as a long time time to converse with someone, and it played on my mind so in the end said i wasnt happy with it, glad others agree its not unreasonable of me.... Phew haha

[KimmySchmidt1]

No it was not unreasonable for you to tell him to back off. He made it all weird by contacting her so much, and now he needs to stop.

You can't obviously say this about every woman he knows because that would be nutty but you are allowed a few red cards in a marriage and this sounds like a good one to stop in order to avoid any bad decisions being made down the line, and because you are upset by it.