DP says I am not supporting his hobby(103 Posts)
NC as very outing, but I am not a troll (fruitshoots, penis beaker)
I have been with DP for 4 years, engaged for 2. I have 1 dc aged 6 and he has 3 dc aged between 5 and 9.
We are largely very happy. All the kids get on, and his dc are close to me, my dc is close to him. We've worked very hard to get to this point.
Our motley little family means the world to me.
Recently, dp has taken up a hobby. Its acting. He got a minor part in an independent movie, and was then an extra in a student film. He's very keen to do more.
I told him I had no problem with him having this hobby, as long as it didnt affect his time with me and the children, and he assured me that it wouldnt. But it has. He has his DC 1 day a week and EOW. The last time they were here, he was off 'filming' all day and left them with me. I wasnt that impressed but he said it would be a one off. He then missed a further day with his DD, and then the final straw was yesterday when he went filming on one of the only 2 days a month we get with no dc. I had planned a day out and he assured me he would be home in time for it, however he came back 3 hrs later than planned.
He made no effort to apologise, he came in very exuberant, saying that he's finally found something hes good at, and that once this film has been completed he is going to send off an audition tape to major broadcasters. I pointed out that nearly all acting work is in London (a 1 hr train trip from home) and what about me, and the DC, and the time we spend together as a blended family.
He just said that there was always Skype, and that the dc would understand that he was doing it to earn lots of money etc. I pointed out that this would mean that a) his dc wouldnt see him b) I wouldnt see the dc that I have come to love and c) ds wouldnt see the children he has come to think of as his siblings. He even got dps dd a sister card for her birthday which he chose himself.
He then started accusing me of being selfish and not supporting his dream, he then started saying that he might as well kill himself as now he cannot achieve his dream. He even got a knife out of the drawer.
I am pretty devastated by it all, we slept apart last night and he seems pretty remorseful today, saying I am right etc and he wont pursue acting further, but now I feel like I've ruined his life just because I want to put our family first. AIBU?
YANBU. However the part about him saying he'd kill himself and for a knife out is quite concerning, has he done anything like that before?
well he is certainly dramatic enough isnt he?
if what he loves is acting he can join a local theatre group and enjoy acting while not neglecting his parental responsibilities.
if what he wants is fame then he is very unlikely to get that. most actors never ever make it.
It sounds like it isn't a hobby any more but a calling/job. Maybe he needs to explore it full time for a bit so he has no regrets. An hour each way into London is neither here nor there - plenty of people commute longer.
Sigh.. yes he has. He says hes never been truly happy with his life until taking up acting. I dont understand why me and the dc cant be enough for him.
He's being a drama queen (excuse the pun).
YANBU in the slightest.
Does he have a teal job that brings in a wage?
You're taking his love for acting personally. Him loving that isn't a sign you're not enough. He does need to make it up to you though if he disrupts prearranged plans that much.
You should support him, not be insecure about his interests, but hold firm on family commitments.
Until I got to the 'knife' bit I was kind of on the fence.
That part cemented you are with a ridiculous and manipulative man-child.
If he doesn't have an agent he won't get auditions - he can send as many tapes off as he likes.
Bit parts in independent films and extras work is not going to suddenly translate into highly paid acting work. He seems somewhat unrealistic...
I was fine up until the knife bit.
He's a fucking loon and manipulative.
I wouldn't want someone that emotionally unstable around my children.
Re: your second post. I adore my DC and husband but need more to feel fulfilled and I don't think having a passion outside your relationship is unreasonable.
I would hate to be my husband's sole source of happiness.
He's a twit and being very manipulative. Contact with his kids is so that they can see their dad, doesn't he care? It's all very well having a dream but he sounds like a big selfish twonk.
It doesnt sound like a hobby, it sounds like a career change.
He pulled out a knife and threatened to Jill himself because you asked to spend more time as a family?
He's either suicidal or extremely emotionally manipulative.
The acting is a red herring.
I was mostly with your husband until the knife part. That is emotional abuse and you should not stand for it. The saying he won't pursue it further is going too far in the opposite direction too.
But... I understand what he feels like to finally be expressing yourself creatively, and I think the original stipulation that it has ZERO impact upon your time together was a bit unrealistic, and your plaintive 'why aren't we enough?' comment feels a bit exaggerated. Why are both of you treating this as either/or?
He does have a job, its not a bad wage, we bring in about £50,000 pa together so could be worse.
He does suffer bouts of depression and has talked about wanting to die many times before now, hes been on medication for it.
Sadly it centres around him regretting that he had the dc, he loves them in his own way but he hates that they tie him to his ex, and he finds it difficult to parent them - for example he'll take them swimming then just bob around in one corner while they play. He doesnt engage with them. It makes me sad. I do love him though and I love the dc so much.
He was unreasonably dramatic with the knife, but this is a bit dramatic too:^I dont understand why me and the dc cant be enough for him^ The fact he has something else he likes does not imply you are being superseded.
Even the most talented actors struggle to make a living (I know a few who just about manage, and the have a range of skills to a very high level) but the hour into London is not an unreasonable distance. Perhaps he should try for a bit alongside his job so he can see how hard it would be. It will mean you see less of him for a bit, but at least he will know. And if he is one of the very few who are good and lucky enough, then great!
I think this is really tough. He chose well when he chose you didn't he? He can't relate very well to his own children but ended up with someone who obviously adores children, is willing to put the hard hours in to make a family unit and to make the whole thing 'work'.
I can't work out from your post though if this is because of depression or some other mental health/PND type issue, or because he's simply a man child whose children spoiled his fun.
Either way, he basically wants you to pick up the family business while he fucks off to be an actor - and while I absolutely support anyone who has a passion, professional acting just isn't compatible with family life, unless there's someone at home who is prepared to put in all the parenting hours. (that'll be you and his ex, OP).
I actually don't know what to advise.
Is he on medication at the moment? I would be calling his doctor about the suicide threats.
might as well kill himself
Has being around "actors" has encouraged him to behave ridiculously dramatically?
Or was he always a manipulative twat?
He has every right to have a hobby, as do you.
Him expecting you to look after his children when it is his contact time is unfair.
I don't actually know if he's any good, I think he must be as hes landed everything hes tried for. I've never watched him in action as I've always had the dc while hes been doing it.
He is off the meds right now, he came off them as he found it harder to act with them as they suppress your emotions.
I don't mind looking after the DC so much. But if his ex-w knew it was me doing the lion share of childcare and not him, she'd stop them coming, and that would break my ds heart.
The knife incident is beyond the pale.
The thing that got me before that is that he's missing out on his limited time with his non-resident children for the sake of his "hobby". That is unacceptable, as is expecting you to look after them in his absence. Regardless of how well they get on with you, they are coming to see their dad and for him not to be there is selfish beyond words. Aside from the fact it's unlikely he'll ever achieve commercial success, kids need love and attention far more than wealthy parents.
herotherhalf thats exactly what I said, all the kids want is him, they dont need loads of money.
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