To think my husband should stop falling asleep holding our babies?(109 Posts)
My husband falls asleep literally every night feed, we have 5 month old twins and he has been doing it since they were born. He gets the same amount of sleep as me, probably 6 to 7 hours (broken) and he only has to do night feeds when he isnt at work.
I made him go to the drs and they said he is just tired from having the babies, they did bloods and they're all normal.
What can I do? I need sleep myself and have PND but he is horrible overnight when I try and wake him up when he is holding the babies, he denies being asleep but he ends up bending over them and im worried he will kill them
I used to fall asleep every night with my baby in my arms, I was bloody knackered as is every parent of a baby. Maybe just put the babies to bed when he does this and let the bloke have a bit of a nap. It will get easier
YANBU. Holding sleeping babies is relaxing but he should have the sense to put them in their cots before nodding off. It's not as though he's got them attached to his breasts (BF mothers can be forgiven!).
He needs to find a way to stay awake while feeding and winding. Walking or sitting in an uncomfortable chair. Feeding in front of the tv. Whatever works.
YANBU, it's dangerous - I've got a 5 week old DS so I know how tired a person can get, but I make myself stay awake if I'm in danger of nodding off by sitting in an upright chair, with no duvet and the main light switched on. I'd never forgive myself if I fell asleep and smothered him!
Your DH needs to do whatever is necessary to stay awake - walk around while feeding, stand up, cold water on face... there are plenty of things he can do.
Op, do you have two cot beds for the twins? Would it be possible to have a cot bed on each side so you both can feed the babies and then put them to bed?
I've fallen asleep like this, you only realise you've done it when you wake up.
What did he say when you spoke to him about this?
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Erm ignore the bonkers post about NPD.
It's not unusual OP but it is very very dangerous. Unplanned co-sleeping is a huge risk factor for SIDS and I think he needs to be made totally aware of this.
However avoiding falling asleep is not easy to do. It's relaxing and boring feeding a baby and it's dark and there's not much you can do to stimulate yourself.
What I'd suggest you do is read up some guidelines about safe co-sleeping and set up your bed so that he can feed in a safe location so that if he did fall asleep while feeding the baby is not at risk. This isn't ideal when bottle feeding as there's still a risk of choking, but with a baby who is too little to hold their own bottle the risk of choking is low anyway, and it would be much safer by avoiding the risk of him falling on them or dropping them or them becoming smothered by covers.
If you can't set up the bed could he feed them in bouncy chairs or something? Again just to minimise the risk of him falling on them or them falling out. I know it's nicer for them to be held for feeds but I think the safety risk outweighs that at the moment.
Drastic solution - if financially viable - hire a night nanny?
Spammity McSpammison reported
OP DH still falls asleep with our 3 year old at bedtime
Twins are hideously demanding for you both, and still so very young.
All I can advise at this stage is to try not to fall into competitive tiredness with each other. Do either of you get a proper break at all?
Reported the spam too.
If you're awake and can see him sleeping, tape him. Show him what you recorded.
BertieBotts has great suggestions.
It's possible that he needs more and not less practice being up at night - maybe alternate nights to feed the babies instead of night feeding being an irregular or infrequent event for him.Then he would get into a routine.
Or if you're not already doing this, feed them both at the same time, meaning you are both awake for each feeding, taking one baby each, and you can chat in low voices, keeping each other motivated and positive.
I only had single babies, but I did all the night feedings (bfed). I found that a stick of strong minty gum woke me and kept me awake. Cold water is another way to stay awake - an insulated mug can help.
It takes self discipline though, and awareness of the horrible consequences of crushing or dropping a baby really should be enough motivation for him to try his utmost to stay awake.
Honestly? He needs to grow the fuck up unless he wants to find himself with a dead child one morning. If you can stay awake then so can he! Don't even think about taking over all night feeds cos he can't be arsed to stay awake to tend to his OWN CHILDREN. The mind boggles... You gave birth, have PND and do the majority of the nights anyway. I would be livid in your position that he can't manage the odd one or two.
Unless he can stay awake it's totally counterproductive to carry on like this as you don't sleep on your nights "off" as you are worrying about the safety of your babies. DH never did night feeds as ebf but he would take the evening up til midnight so I could get a good chunk of sleep then. Even now if I've had a bad night with DD2 who is 14 months and teething I'll get a lie in on weekends or get a nap when he comes in from work.
I was like this unfortunately. I'm a woman and it felt like I was missing some inbuilt alarm that other women have...or some natural ability to go without sleep.
I simply couldn't. I just used to fall asleep. I also stopped waking when mine cried in the night from about 2 years old.
DH would wake...but I wouldn't. Do you have to go to work aswell OP?
I don't have any nights off its just that he helps to feed the other baby while I am feeding the first one as they often wake hungry together and can take a good hour to settle afterwards.
We've just argued about it again; he gets so nasty and says it isnt a choice
I sympathise with both of you. I was and am absolutely terrible when woken in the night and can't really cope with being kept up....I just nod off.
One thing was that I did find out I was aneamic. Could he be aneamic?
Sorry, I misunderstood I thought he was taking them while you slept.
It's probably best if you discuss this in the cold light of day rather than argue while sleep deprived. Do you know of other parents of twins - either online or in real life - that can give you support or advice?
Big hugs but .... tell him not to bother doing the night feeds, too dangerous falling asleep with the babies!! Save yourself the worry of this happening with him & the stress of getting annoyed & angry with him. Keep doing the great job ur doing & leave him too it. He will soon get the message esp when u kick him every time u have to get up... hopefully the night feeds will settle soon & this phase will be over xx
You both sound exhausted.
Is there anyone that can help you?
Anyone at all that could help you during the day so you can get some sleep and be able to stay awake at night if he is useless at staying awake (and you are worried about safety.)
This won't last forever, but for now could you get any help at all that is going.
I wish I had help, we have nobody who can manage all 3...I say 3 because we also have a 20 month old. I think maybe I will have to take over all night feeds and perhaps make him let me have a lie in.
It actually is a choice - all bad habits are a choice.
Buy him some minty chewing gum.
If he hasn't been letting you have a lie in (getting a stretch of about 5 hours for yourself) or doing evenings (bathing the 20 month old, getting him or her to bed, etc) then he is taking the piss.
You have my sympathies, we didn't have twins but DS1 had an amazing ability to not sleep and we were awake a lot!! DH used to fall asleep and we'd argue about it. Definitely discuss it when you're not both knackered in the middle of the night and can hopefully talk about it rationally
Oh you poor thing! You must be exhausted. I agree that this needs a full discussion but not in the awful hours of the overnight.
Do you get up out of bed to feed? Could it be a 'rule' that whoever is doing the feed sits out on a
hard chair to do so?
I know it's not fair to you, but that way he would still be feeding and you wouldn't be worried sick, you probably aren't even resting now when he does the feed just in case.
I was a bugger for dropping off feeding so I had to resort to this.
I also hotly denied it at times as wasn't aware I'd nodded off
I understand about people not wanting all of them together (hollow laugh) but are there a couple of friends/family that could take one each even for a couple of hours a week to give you a break? Have you managed to get out to any groups? Sorry if I've missed if you've said. Are there any support groups for multiples locally? They may offer some good advice (and baby minding swapping new friends)
This is honestly the worst worst time, you're doing amazingly well-in a few years you'll have romanticised these heinous days-bloody hormones wipe out the bad memories
OP I dont really have any advice that hasnt been said, i just wanted to add my sympathy. Its crap when you have to do all the nights when you are feeling like shit anyway
My Partner fell asleep with our little one once. When we started giving formula, he said one night that I should go back to sleep, and it shows how exhausted I was as I fell asleep instantly, it usually takes me a while even when I'm knackered. I woke up an hour later, facing her cot, saw she wasnt there, leaped up, to see he had kind of slumped down to a mainly laying down position on the bed, holding her across his chest, both asleep. I was angry (understatement of the year) that he hadn't felt himself dropping off, I said I understand the nodding off bit, but how did he not have that instinct to jar himself awake before he slumped down? And What would of happened if I hadn't woke up when I did? What if his arm flopped down so she was just lying on his chest with no support?
He has Sleep Apnoea so it is different, as he has a medical reason. I've never trusted him to do a night feed since though, which is so sad, and he gets angry that I won't 'give him another chance' but I can't risk it
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