To find DH's constant desire for a more exciting life tiring?(41 Posts)
Let me start by saying DH & I are happy as a couple, have 2 great kids & very lucky to have good health, friends, family, home, no major debt etc and both self employed in our chosen careers that aren't brilliantly paid but allow us the odd holiday - I'd say we lead a pretty charmed life compared to many.
However, DH seems to be always on the look out for some sort of life-changing adventure or major upheaval for the sake of doing something different & exciting. We've had moving to Australia then Canada, buying a small holding in rural Wales, buying a plot of land and building a new house, a castle in Scotland, taking the kids out of school to travel the world for a year - amongst many other ideas over the years!
Clearly he's yearning for adventure and a bit more excitement than our current safe & admittedly sometimes mundane life but I see this as realities of life now and these are things we either should have done before kids or wait until retirement. I feel a right party pooper every time he comes up with something new and I know he gets irritated by my lack of adventure. Anyone else have to deal with this? I do sometimes wonder whether I should take on board some of his suggestions and 'live a little' but feel we have so much to lose that I can't bring myself to make such major changes at this stage in our lives (kids at primary school, mortgage to pay off, minimal savings etc)I
I'm with your husband. I constantly yearn for excitement and upheaval. I change job every 18 months or so because I get overwhelmed by boredom, and I'm planning to move countries in the next 18 months.
Sounds like he's casting around thinking of lots of random exciting sounding things rather than having a genuine passion to achieve something specific.
I would talk to him and perhaps try to pin down one particular project that you can plan and see through together. Life is for living and as a family it could be a wonderful experience to travel somewhere, or have some other project to achieve together. Also, there's nothing worse than a sense of not having achieved things, so There's a risk your dh could end up feeling frustrated and restricted.
But there's definitely a middle ground between jacking in your jobs and setting off into the sunset, and just plodding on as you are.
I would actually love to travel with the kids or live abroad but my practical side kicks in and I struggle to see how to make things a reality (mainly financial restraints ) without completely winging it which I just can't see with kids in tow not to mention long-term implications of buggering off into the sunset with a 7&11 year old!
My late, lovely FIL used to refer to this as 'thinking out loud'. I'm sure we all get some
daft schemes in mind but a lot of the time they are not practical or fun for anyone else I'm probably not the best person to comment though, as I don't see travel as an achievement tbh.
Has your DH only come up with these ideas since you've had children? The ideas are so different that I have a suspicion that he's not expecting you to agree and would not carry it out past the planning stage if you did!
@CotswoldStrife they're all post children but tbh our life was more exciting then (lived in London, regular & often spontaneous travel, far bigger incomes etc). I guess compared to how we used to live our life, it is quite boring now but we've made all the choices that got us to this point, maybe he's regretting this now and that's what makes me sad . We've taken a couple of ideas beyond pipe dream stage (Australia move & buying a gite business in France) but both times I halted plans when finances look precarious or I could see how it would benefit our children.
I'm like your dh, but lucky enough that I had a dh who agreed and went along with me.
It's been tough at times, hair raising at times and we've had to learn to live with financial constraints, which we never did when we were both in our 'safe' jobs.
But I just cannot explain to us how strong it has made us all as a family to pull together and work through the tough times, and to feel like we are really building something together. I don't regret any of it for a second. And my 10yo and 7yo love it, and are thriving in a way they could never be in school and a conventional life (they are home schooled, as there are no even vaguely suitable schools nearby).
I think that what it is we do isn't actually that important, it's the fact that there is a project that we all participate in and do together, which requires us all to chip in and cooperate with each other.
My husband is like this, as am I to a lesser degree. I want to try new things, but have a greater need for security etc so it has to be with things in place. So we will only go/do a project when we can do so whilst keeping our house in the UK rented out. I wouldn't want to up sticks without something to fall back on.
I sometimes feel he is jumping around, but I think he is just talking through ideas and likes a project to research.
I am not like this and value security and stability and being around friends and family a lot, I'm sure at times it has frustrated my husband. He has had the chance though, to travel with his career and to have projects and adventures separately, I don't stop him doing anything, I just don't want to up sticks, put the kids in international school and ruin my career in the process. In the long run, my stability (boringness) has benefited the family hugely in some ways, but I like that he has pushed me out of my comfort zone for holidays and in other ways. Can you not enjoy extended holidays in exciting places if you are both self-employed?
@Liara how do you - or rather your dh- make the leap from conventional and safe to exciting and impulsive?
I would love to live that life but I'm too risk averse to look beyond the boring practicalities: where will we live? Taking our eldest out or school at crucial secondary stage (And not wanting to homeschool), having to start over upon return home etc,
turns out this is less about DH & more about me
My husband is like this but he is just dreaming it's a kind of a hobby for him. I listen to the plans and dreams and that's about it. He enjoys dreaming and deciding what he is going to do.
Few years ago I was at a conference to do with child development and play. A speaker was saying as an adult you should piss on kids chips (didn't say quite say it like that) the example given was a child draws a pool with big slides in their garden. Said child lives in a flat... speaker said you should listen be interested and ask questions. Let the child dream and plan.
I then took this thought home and put it into play with my husband
My dh was like this and l beat myself for being so boring.So l went along with it outside my own comfort zone. We bought the holiday home, the farm and eventually moved to a very rural scenic area. Guess what dh still had ideas. I called a halt. We moved back near my family settled the dc in school sold most stuff and lm going nowhere. Except on holidays. It was actually ok for a while and l was happy enough to go against my nature for dhs sake but realised he still wasnt contented. I was contented in each situation as that is my nature.
@Summerswallow I think that would be the answer but unfortunately we don't earn that much - A couple of camping weekends and week abroad is about the most we can manage!
This was me pre dd2. We did lots of travel, I moved countries a lot and I bloody loved it.
I now have a fabulous job and a fine-enough home in London and feel 'trapped'. Dh and I are not from here so my get-out cars is moving to his country or mine and it keeps me sane tbh.
At the moment it seems crazy to give up my incredibly flexible job that allows me to spend a great amount of time with dc and more than covers our bills etc.
But. But. But I want more from life than just security so well move on, eventually.
Oh and I said previously dd2 as it still seemed easier enough with one dc. Two seems like I need to be responsible in my choices.
My husband is like this. I am the boring sensible one. Before kids he was in the music industry and toured a lot. I told him i couldn't have kids in that situation so he settled down and still misses it. But it was his choice.
We compromised by buying a caravan and we go away most weekends. I don't work Fridays and he is self employed so when the kids are off we go Thursday evenings and come back late Sunday. We go all over and have great times. It seems to make up for the weekday monotony.
If you're used to an interesting existance then life with school age children can feel really restrictive. I'm a dreamer and spend hours planning unrealistic holidays and looking at trips than just aren't feasible. I enjoy the research though and my poor DH often has to veto the madness. We've compromised now by buying a campervan. Lots of adventures can be fit into weekends and school holidays without any disruption.
Oh I couldn't be doing with it. I love an adventure but I need stability and routine in my life. DP, being in the forces, really values routine as well. Everyday adventure for us is trying a new brand of bread...
I'd find constant huge life-changing adventures really boring. I've known people who've spent years changing jobs, backpacking and renting in a new area every year for 'adventure' and then they hit 65 and have got nothing to show for it.
Im like this. I crave change and get depressed if i dont have it. But ive just been diagnosed as having adhd
The thing is- you make your choices. You both chose to work in careers which don't pay that much but allow you a lot of freedom to work around the children, but mean you can't travel as much as you'd like. The people I know that travel with children and go off on more adventurous trips all have at least one decent (lawyer, doctor, other professional) salary and then try to get sabbaticals or negotiate time off. If going away is really important to you, perhaps one of you upping the workload for a year to then have a month off trekking around South America might be worth it?Lack of money is usually what stops these adventures, plus as the children get older, they are less keen to leave their friends- but a month is surely doable?
This is me. I wish my life away really, but when I think of what I dreamed of, it wasn't this. I need to be out, having new experiences, seeing different things and meeting different people.
Drives DH mad.
I grew up with parents who moved constantly to fuel my dad's desire for change. The longest I lived in one building was 20 months - until I was 22 and I was in control of my own life.
I am determined to give my DC the stability I lacked as a child. Changing schools and places all the time is fun if you're an adult but crap as a child.
I'm like this. DH is steady and grounded. He does go along with my lesser crazy schemes and admits his life is better for it. I have an active imagination, so many ideas and love planning future escapades. I love change and don't want the same life every year.
He says when we got married (25 years ago!) my mum took him aside and told him that I needed to change jobs, houses or countries every 5 years, otherwise I would get bored and change husbands.
Looks like he listened to his mil... or at least that's his excuse!
I think deep down he always wanted to as well, but he was just scared. I helped push him over the edge
dh literally never left his Home town as a child & his parents still live in same house he was born in so I completely understand his desire to see the world or move around but I'm struggling to facilitate it !
I am the adventurous one. However I don't for a second think my family would ever enjoy any of my ideas, nor would it be safe or practical, so I do them on my own. Admittedly none of them are as big as emigration, but basically yeah - if I want to go rock-climbing, or see a city, a play, attend an event, whatever it is, I go myself.
He needs to tone it down a little - jumping from one idea to the next makes it sound a little like he's not thinking them through - but if he wants to embrace his wild side, tell him he can have a weekend to go off and do whatever. Camp. Kayak. Ancient Greek Theatre. Woodcarving weekend in rural Wales. No, he can't emigrate to Canada alone, build a castle or whatever, but he can do smaller adventures. Alone.
He needs to accept he has a family and you're all not necessarily, for reasons of practicality, going to tag along, but if this is something he needs for himself it's up to him to narrow his ideas down to things he can single-handedly achieve. Example, I want to go to Edinburgh. My kids wouldn't enjoy the journey nor the exhibitions I want to see, so I'm going alone. This is something achievable. I would also like to hike the Appalachian trail. This is not currently achievable but may become so later in life. I am at peace with this.
I just hope a) he's not being a dick about it or b) he's not literally trying to chuck a bomb into his life as a prelude to something worse. Like he's all "let's be farmers" one week and "let's be Canadian" the next, and when you tell him to calm down he calls you boring because all along he was spoiling for a fight.
He can be adventurous by himself or with friends, and hopefully, not be dickish about it.
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