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Is this domestic violence? Could it be a one off?

(221 Posts)
sunnysideup1971 Sun 20-Aug-17 14:46:22

Before I even start to write I think I know what you'll say, but I need to write it down to make sense of it.

Please be gentle with me. I'm a regular user but have name changed.

My b/f / partner whatever, we've been together nearly 3 years. We have a heated relationship, quite a few rows but I usually give as much as I get. He's got a temper on him, so have I. We shout a lot but have lots of very loving times. The good usually outways the bad ten fold.

He has two children, one nearly 18, another earlier teens. I don't have children. The arguments are never around the kids who stay with us regularly, are happy and our times with them around are good. I have a good relationship with both. They are both really sensible and responsible.

Last night we went to a party. I was driving so obvs not drinking, he had a bit to drink (not loads - not mega pissed). We had a small row on the way to the party and a "discussion" on the way back. All was OK. When we got home, I can't remember how, but he got really cross with me. Really angry about nothing and started saying horrible things. He pushed me but worst of all he kicked my dog across the room and into the bed. My gorgeous dog yelped and ran off into the older child's bedroom (where he often sleeps and gets loads of love). I didn't want to disturb the whole house so I didn't knock and try to go in. I was really cross and upset by this and the row continued. Albeit not shouting as we tried to keep it under wraps as the kids were around. Anyway we failed, older child came out of her room.

Older child and OH disappeared for half an hour. I didn't know where they were. When OH returned I asked if he'd told her what had been going on, he said not but she had comforted him as she thought he needed it. He looked like he'd been crying. Younger child slept through it all (genuinely).

I checked on my darling dog and he was fine, I checked again this morning and he's just as normal.

Sorry this is a bit muddled, there is so much running around my head. I know you'll all tell me to leave him for the sake of the kids and the dog. I just needed to write it down. AIBU to not want to throw it all away? Could it have been a one-off violent outburst?

ninnando Sun 20-Aug-17 14:49:10

I could not be with anyone who hurt my dog.

PurpleDaisies Sun 20-Aug-17 14:49:41

Those sorts of outbursts aren't usually one offs. Do you really want to stick around to find out? Next time he might seriously hurt you or kill your dog. Being woken up by shouting will stick with your children.

joojoobean99 Sun 20-Aug-17 14:49:51

You've got to leave him. How could you stay with someone that has hurt your animal? Who the fuck does that?

ButchyRestingFace Sun 20-Aug-17 14:50:58

Presumably kicking the dog wasn't an accident?

Whiterabbitears Sun 20-Aug-17 14:51:55

Your poor dog sad I wouldn't want to be with someone who hurts a defenceless animal, you know what they say about people who hurt animals. Leave and don't look back.

sunnysideup1971 Sun 20-Aug-17 14:54:00

No kicking the dog was not an accident. I am devastated by it. I'd much rather he'd kicked me across the room!

Sparklesocks Sun 20-Aug-17 14:54:48

I am very concerned, no amount of anger/drink should mean it's ok to push you - even slightly - and definitely not to harm an animal, it suggests he doesn't see the dog as a living thing that can feel pain.

Also verbally abusing you isnt ok either. Anger isn't an excuse.

I think you do have to consider leaving, as horrible as it might be to start over these sort of things don't happen in isolation..

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips Sun 20-Aug-17 14:55:19

He's a nasty bastard, get out now. I could not be with such a cruel person.

ChelleDawg2020 Sun 20-Aug-17 14:55:25

The problem is if someone lashes out at an animal, the next time it might be serious - it might not just be a dog, it could be a person who gets hurt.

At the very least you need counselling. The reasons for the violent outburst and your stormy (at times) relationship need to be understood and resolved.

It may be true that violent outbursts are usually not one-off incidents - but there is always a first time, and always a last time. Hopefully both coincide for you here.

Mrskeats Sun 20-Aug-17 14:56:20

I had a similar experience
It won't end well. People who can hurt a defenceless animal are dangerous

butterfly56 Sun 20-Aug-17 14:56:23

He is not a nice man he kicked your dog across the room for one reason only to hurt the dog, hurt you and basically he is a nasty piece of work.

If you stay then expect things to get worse because you've already accepted that it's ok for him to do this and things will probably escalate from here on in.

ButchyRestingFace Sun 20-Aug-17 14:56:52

So what has your partner got to say for himself today?

With specific reference to the pushing and dog kicking?

LewisFan Sun 20-Aug-17 14:56:58

Oftentimes people start by hurting animals, then work their way up to people.

I'd not want to see what comes next...

Armadillostoes Sun 20-Aug-17 14:57:31

The man is violent. He hurt a defenceless dog in temper. He hasn't acknowledged this or said sorry (or checked on the poor dog). He also off-loaded onto his barely adult DC in a way which could have been really unfair.

This isn't going to be an isolated incident.

SignoraCarmignola Sun 20-Aug-17 15:00:18

I could not be with anyone who hurt my dog.

This. ^^

It will surely happen again if you allow him to stay. I wouldn't hesitate in your shoes. Get rid.

NipperNapNope Sun 20-Aug-17 15:01:45

I know it's heartbreaking to find out but he's shown you who he really is. Believe him. Believe his actions. Grieve for the man you thought he was but know that person doesn't exist. Take your dog and go. There are lines that you can't come back from. Kicking the dog is well over that line. Take the time to work on your own issues/temper do you choose better next time.

sooperdooper Sun 20-Aug-17 15:03:04

If my DH did that to our dog that would be the end, that's just awful

Sorry OP, do you have support in RL & is there anywhere you can stay tonight to clear your head?

IneedaMagnum Sun 20-Aug-17 15:03:50

Get. Out. Now. He kicked your dog! Maliciously! How on earth could you ever forgive him for that? There is absolutely nothing he can say or do that will ever make up for this. And he WILL do it again. Maybe not next week, or next month, or even next year. But he will do it again. Please get out, hard as it is, before you waste any more time on this bastard.

mirime Sun 20-Aug-17 15:08:46

Leave him.

He pushed you, kicked your dog and then allowed his child to comfort him when the argument woke DC up?

Walk away. Fast.

sunnysideup1971 Sun 20-Aug-17 15:09:07

@Butchy - he sort of apologised first thing this morning. In an under breath odd kind of way. I went out to get some head space and he's text to say he's sorry.

IneedaMagnum Sun 20-Aug-17 15:11:44

Who cares that he's sorry. Classic abuser behaviour. He should never ever have done it. He's not sorry for being in a grump, for having been thoughtless, for forgetting your anniversary, for not putting the toilet seat down. He is sorry for KICKING YOUR DOG. Please please leave.

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus Sun 20-Aug-17 15:12:18

What are your living arrangements, who owns the house? You need to end the relationship, he did a despicable thing.

CaoNiMartacus Sun 20-Aug-17 15:12:42

It would have to be the end for me.

If someone kicked my animals I would lose all love and respect I had for them.

JaneEyre70 Sun 20-Aug-17 15:13:04

Anyone who hurt my dog would be long gone out of my life.

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