As a PND sufferer, to be upset at my FTM friends constantly talking about preparing for baby?

[Pretendbookworm]

I'm in a group of 6 friends and we have a group chat. 3 of them are currently pregnant and 1 recently had a baby. All first time mums. Every day is a discussion on which hand-knitted bespoke teddy to buy from Etsy, or wallpaper selection, or how they are definately going to bf because they've read a lot about it, or who to invite to visit first.

After my DS was born I had severe PTSD (after traumatic delivery and then family arguments) and PND. I wouldn't let DH sleep at the same time as me as I was terrified of someone not watching DS. He was about 3 months old before I went out of the house by myself with him. I gained a lot of weight. Had a lot of counselling and medication to get through it and I'm still not 100% but I'm loads better.

When they came to visit they didn't seem interested in hearing me talk about my birth experience. I made them drinks. They bought a few gifts though. I didn't tell them how bad things were for a while and over message they would encourage me but never offered to come over when I was low.

I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone. But their first time mum idealism worries me as it was how I felt before it all came crashing down. Some of it is jealousy too. I'm not sure how I'll handle seeing them when the babies are born as it'll remind me of my experiences.

AIBU to make excuses not to go?

Note: DS is now a very happy and cuddly 1 year old, I love being a mummy, but I don't want to go through childbirth again.

[RestlessTraveller]

I don't think YWBU not to go.

It's really good that you want to talk about your birth experiences, I just don't think you should talk about it with these friends.

[BeepBeepMOVE]

Leave the chat if you don't want to hear about your friends being excited about their pregnancies.

[takingsmallsteps]

I completely understand your feelings. I had PND and a long road to recovery. I remember visiting my husband's cousin and her 6 week old baby and she just seemed so happy and breezing through it that it brought a tear to my eye, even though I was in a better place. It was that yearning for the moments I lost and I didn't quite expect how I would feel.

I also found it very hard when I had my second baby because I experienced the whole rush of love, bliss, amazing feelings and the guilt hit me hard.

My friend is due a baby soon and I am beyond happy for her and will love meeting her newborn but my second baby has been really healing for me and I feel I can finally put the PND years behind me.

If you can't handle it, don't go. But you may feel differently for your friend.

[Bombardier25966]

TBH I think you would be unreasonable to talk about your traumatic birth experiences with the expectant mothers. Leave that until after they have given birth or speak to a friend that is not pregnant.

It's important to talk about what you have been through, but not to cause undue worry to others in the process.

If you don't want to see them then be honest. They're going to know if you lie, far better to tell them you're struggling with your own feelings at present.

[Louiselouie0890]

Sorry for what you went through but just because it happened to yourself doesn't mean it will happen to them. Let them enjoy the joy of pregnancy leave the group if it's too much for you. YWBU to put a gloom on there excitement. I think if you don't see there new babies they may take offence to it especially if they don't really understand PND. Good luck

[Pretendbookworm]

Bombardier as my post says my DS is now 1 which means that I was trying to talk to them about my traumatic birth before they were pregnant or even TTC.

[maxthemartian]

I have been reading too many trans threads....

[NicolasFlamel]

sorry I think YABU. Leave the chat if it's really bothering you. You don't need to bring everyone down to earth, that's not your job. Let them be excited and idealistic. Everyone should be able to do that even if it doesn't work out perfectly. They deserve the chance to be excited and look forward to this part of their life.

[NoFucksImAQueen]

They will never understand unless it happens to them. That's not their fault of course, it's just very hard to understand something like pnd without having been through it.
It's also no reflection on you that they didn't know how to handle it.
Hugs op. Iv been there and it's fucking awful

[PinkHeart5911]

It's natural they are pregnant and excited, full of hopes. Nothing wrong with that at all. If it's too much for you then you need to step away from the group.

[QuiteLikely5]

Op

Don't project your negative life experiences onto them. That's not fair or right.

Get the right help and support and just be happy.

[Pretendbookworm]

Nicolas when did I say I wanted to bring everyone else down, or that I thought it was my job? Reread my post again please. I'm talking about how to deal with my own feelings, not how to 'educate' them.

[NicolasFlamel]

You're projecting your negativity and its not fair. They'll notice you have an issue when you don't bother visiting them.
I'm not coming at it from a rose tinted view. I've had serious mental health problems after both of my kids but I can still be excited for my friends, visit their babies and enjoy it with them because theyre important to me.

[kateandme]

Don't feel guilt remember guys one is a medical conditions,u didn't brung it on or choose a route to it so no guilt fr the actions at that time.

[SilverySurfer]

I agree with QuiteLikely5 They have every right to feel positive about how things will be because surely it's different for everyone? They are fully entitled to their idealism.

[Aozora13]

OP I'm sad for you that your PND is casting a shadow over what should be a really happy time and stopping you from sharing your friends' excitement. Are they the sort of friends where you could explain how you're feeling to them and ask if they limit the baby chat or start another group for that?

I also have a group of 6 friends and 4 of us were preggo at the same time. We set up a separate baby group chat for complaining about piles/stitches/teething etc - of course there's still a degree of baby stuff on our main chat, but it's nice to focus on the world outside child bearing!

In terms of whether or not to visit, again I would go for honesty - if you really can't face it, then tell them why. You don't need to scaremonger, just explain how you feel. Better that than keep making up excuses. Especially if they are secretly struggling themselves.

[innagazing]

These are your friends and I think if you absent yourself now, or exclude yourself, you'll likely end up not having them as friends any longer, probably regret it later, and becoming very isolated.
I think that most women with a young child themselves probably gain a lot from having a social group with children of similar ages.
Your PND is probably influencing how you currently feel towards them.
PNT is a very heavy burden and a lonely place to be. I'm glad that you are feeling a lot better. Perhaps you could use your counselling sessions to talk about your feelings in regard to your friends?
In six months time your friends are also going to be a different place, and one of them may even have pnd too. Meanwhile let them share their joy and excitement about their pregnancies.

[BottleBeach]

maxthemartian - me too.

I give up- can someone please tell me what FTM means other than female-to-male trans ?

[Dustbunny1900]

They don't sound like good friends, sorry. They weren't willing to be there for you when you really needed support and didn't want to listen to your experiences even before getting pregnant. So fuck 'me now. Sorry to be blunt. I have no time for fair weather self centered "friends" you have to be fake around. Sorry for what you went through op

[Dustbunny1900]

'Em not me 😂 Oh lord.

[Pigface1]

bottle I think FTM in this context is first time mum.

OP, I'm sorry for what you've been through. It sounds horrific. I'm not sure what it is you don't want to attend though? Is there a specific event coming up?

But - you know they are entitled to their excitement and idealism. In fact that's probably how they are coping with the fear of the impending unknown. You know that there is a not insignificant chance that at least one of them will have a traumatic delivery. But you've had a very traumatic time so YWNBU to remove yourself from that discussion if you find it triggering. It's just one of those things.

In relation to asking about your labour, I think that's a bit more complicated. Your baby is 1, and one of your friends has a new baby, so it's likely that they were at least thinking about conceiving when your baby arrived. Speaking personally - and I'm neither pregnant nor TTC - bad labour stories make me so so anxious. Also, when someone's been through something tough, it's always difficult to know whether they want to talk about it or not.

[Sugarformyhoney]

I'm sorry you had a shit time however yabvvu. It's very penal to be hopeful and excited about impending arrivals and mind don't need to be prepared for something that isn't 'idealistic' because for them, it actually might be. If it isn't then they need to cross that bridge when they come to it
If you are protecting your own feelings, then dont go but be prepared for your friends to feel sad that you aren't are sharing their special time.

[Sugarformyhoney]

Penal wtf I meant normal

[Pretendbookworm]

Thank you Dustbunny, I can't help feeling that because they weren't there for me, why should I put myself through the anxiety of meeting their newborns/going to baby shower and listen to their birth stories? I know that's a little on the immature side as at the end of the day I know how idealistic I was before DS was born, and PND seemed impossible.

Regarding the chat I feel like I should ask them if we could create a baby specific one, that's a really good idea thanks for that.

Also thanks for the understanding posts. But I do think some of the responses have been unfair. Yes I know it would be unreasonable for me to be a Debbie Downer about their new baby but what's the alternative? I go there and put on a brave face and end up breaking down? Or politely decline and make up an excuse for now? I'm aware that it's not fair for them either but the whole point is I can't help how I feel sometimes.

[BottleBeach]

Ahaaa! Thank you Pigface1!

I'm sorry you had such a tough time OP, and I'm happy things are better for you now. Are you able to explain to any of your friends how you're feeling?