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To hate being asked why I don't have kids

(97 Posts)
Happytobefree17 Sun 20-Aug-17 14:32:56

I had a miscarriage a few years ago, the only time I've ever been pregnant.

Currently am single in my forties.

I'm coming to terms with the very painful reality that I'll probably never have kids.

And I am getting so fed up of people asking me why I don't have children and whether I regret it. I force myself to be polite and answer honestly. And then an given the obligatory advice of "have you thought about sperm donors, freezing your eggs" etc. Oh yeah, cos I've got to my forties unwillingly childless and have never thought to consider other possibilities. hmm

I never bring up the subject or ask for advice and am uncomfortable about discussing this very personal matter.

I know I'm probably BU but sometimes I'm filled with an almost uncontrollable urge to tell them to fuck the fuck off and mind their own goddam business.

pinkyredrose Sun 20-Aug-17 14:34:37

Ask them why they had kids? That's what o do now, often results in silence but seems to work x

Aquamarine1029 Sun 20-Aug-17 14:36:48

Some people are so fucking rude. The next time someone asks, respond with "Why on earth would you ask such a personal question?" and then let them twist in the wind like the nosey fuckers they are.

PurpleDaisies Sun 20-Aug-17 14:36:48

I usually go for "did you mean to ask such a personal question?" with my best teacher glare. That usually shuts down the conversation.

Some people are insensitive twits.

Auldspinster Sun 20-Aug-17 14:36:59

I'm childless by choice at 42 but I hear you.

I find it incredibly intrusive and patronising when the subject comes up and being told i'll change my mind. Can't imagine how painful it must be for someone who wanted children but couldn't have them.

I think people can get defensive if you're seen to be making different life choices from you, however different the reality may be.

LyricallyBlessed Sun 20-Aug-17 14:37:35

There is no way you could BU.
They are being incredibly rude.

Auldspinster Sun 20-Aug-17 14:37:53

Different life choices from them, doh!

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 20-Aug-17 14:40:58

What PPs have said. Look at them like they have two heads and ask why they'd ask something so personal. People are weird. And I'm sorry for your loss and the painful place you're in now flowers

Happytobefree17 Sun 20-Aug-17 14:41:03

Thank you for the responses.

I live in quite a close knit community where everyone is nosy is interested in your business.

I think people can get defensive if you're seen to be making different life choices from you, however different the reality may be.

^^this sums it up I think

Happytobefree17 Sun 20-Aug-17 14:41:40

I meant kind responses flowers

londonrach Sun 20-Aug-17 14:44:19

Was my pet hate till i had dd in my 40s. Then I would be informed id better get on with having dc as time wasnt on my side. I know!!!!! I was lucky we managed to have dd but i could so easily not had her and still have the same conversations with people. Op i learnt to change to subject as quicky as i could or answer to the question..do you any family..yes my husband, parents sister etc its a private thing that should have be asked.

bananafanana1 Sun 20-Aug-17 14:47:00

I'm with purpledaisies - or say something like "why do you want to know?" I find that response usually shuts down anyone asking personal questions flowers

user1499786242 Sun 20-Aug-17 14:49:41

I like the response
'Well why did you choose to have kids'
Hahah throw it right back at them!

RandomMess Sun 20-Aug-17 14:50:26

flowersflowersflowersflowers

Auldspinster Sun 20-Aug-17 14:50:44

I shut em down by mentioning the gynae problems i've had over the years, the diabetes that would make pregnancy extremely dangerous and the mental health issues that i don't want to pass on. But i shouldn't have to.

fluffiphlox Sun 20-Aug-17 14:55:47

I'm childless through choice. I always used to say 'they're not compulsory you know'.

Mittens1969 Sun 20-Aug-17 14:56:13

Yes, it's very nosy, and it's so nothing to do with anybody whether you have children or not! I've noticed that people are particularly persistent when asking about adoption and think they can ask whatever questions they want about it. I've become much more cautious now in what I tell people as it's my DDs' privacy that's the issue and not my own.

It did use to upset me when I was going through infertility and my DH used to find it very intrusive.

IGotRainedOn Sun 20-Aug-17 15:01:24

I would never ask someone that question it's rude! If someone asked me I'd reply along the lines of..

Ohh That's a very personal question. I don't know if you realise but some people who don't have children could have being trying for years and being asked about it might deeply upset them. I'm sure you wouldn't want to do that. Other people might have their own reasons but just not want to discuss it

Etc, etc. basically I would bore them into submission with a long lecture. wink

Dina1234 Sun 20-Aug-17 15:02:15

That's a really personal question. It's perfectly reasonable to be uncomfortable with anyone who you are not close to discussing such things.

Happytobefree17 Sun 20-Aug-17 15:02:22

It's making me feel really down right now.

I've just split up with someone I saw as my last hope so I guess I'm just feeling a bit sensitive at the mo.

Life without kids can be incredibly fulfilling right?

kingfishergreen Sun 20-Aug-17 15:10:18

Yes, it certainly can! I know many people who haven't had kids, and have wonderful, happy and fulfilled lives.

I know several people who do have kids and are really struggling.

And of course there are people who take 'a little form pot A and a little from pot B'.

The breakup is tarnishing your feelings, making it all feel much worse. I'm sorry you're going through a shitty time.

SapphireStrange Sun 20-Aug-17 15:12:03

YANBU. It's incredibly insensitive.

You're perfectly within your rights to tell them, politely with a smile, 'That's personal.' Repeat as needed.

Aspergallus Sun 20-Aug-17 15:12:07

People are arseholes. 5 years after the end of my first childless marriage, ended due to his generally shit behaviour including infidelity, while still single and childless, a secretary at work said to me, "you must really regret getting divorced now, much better to have a family and work on things".

I had no sharp comeback I'm afraid, just dropped my jaw at the idea I should have remained in such a hideous relationship in order to have kids.

Now that I'm a bit older, I would always answer these questions with a question, "why would you think that?" "You think it would be sensible to bring children into a relationship that wasn't working?" or even get extra personal to give a taste of their own medicine, "did you find your own life without children unfulfilling <headtilt>"

I do now have kids, married again in late 30s and 2 DSs. Love them, it's great but I am under no illusion that I would simply be having a different kind of great without them. OP please know, that as much as you might fantasise about a life with children, parents also fantasise about the possibilities of childlessness. You cannot have it all and whatever becomes your lot in life there are always ups and downs, pros and cons.

Aspergallus Sun 20-Aug-17 15:13:27

If it helps I can give you a long list of the many things I'd be doing without DC taking up all my time!

Formalyknownas99 Sun 20-Aug-17 15:13:39

Happytobefree17 I feel you pain. Fulfilling in different ways but the ache is always there to varying degrees.
I hope we both eventually...don't know...find peace with it...flowers

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