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Aibu not to go ?

(14 Posts)
Heihei Sun 20-Aug-17 03:20:39

Sorry this is a long story! DH's parents split up when he was 2. Both remarried. Mil and SFil are very close to us and a huge part of our son's life.

Fil didn't have anything to do with DH growing up until DH (with help from mil) tracked him down after 15 years.

Fil and Smil live at the opposite end of the country from us. It is a 9 hour drive. We haven't seen them much. In the 10 years we have been married - we've seen them 4 times. They don't have kids but Smil has a niece who loves an hour away from us. They visit niece & her dc quite regularly 3/4 times a year. Our ds is 4 they've met him twice. 1st time when he was 8 months. We went up to visit. They saw us for 15 minutes and then told us they were going out hmm. The second time they stopped off with us on the way to see Smils niece for about 40 minutes.

Fil and Smil were married 30 years ago. Fil has recently converted to Catholicism. Cue lots of fb posts from him saying he 'now feels he has a family' very hurtful to DH who is his actually family but barely gets a look in. Fil and Smil are having a Catholic blessing - they are calling it a second wedding. We are invited but - I am a teacher so we can only go up on Friday eve and come back on the Sunday, we will have to fly as area isn't directly connected by train/drive takes too long, we have to pay for a hotel as niece & family are staying with them.

We are looking at the weekend costing £600. DH is very loyal and feels he has to go, but IABU to stay at home with DS and Ddog? We can afford to go but I feel the money would be put to better use, especially as we do not have a close relationship to Fil and Smil.

FastWindow Sun 20-Aug-17 03:33:50

If you not going would put a greater strain on the overall relationship with all concerned than the financial cost to you and the dog, then go. Think of the fallout. Does it matter to dh?

laughingclouds Sun 20-Aug-17 03:35:32

If they don't put any effort in, you don't need to.

But - does your DH need your support? I have a rubbish relationship with my father, and the odd time I see him, I need DH there. Or if he desperately wants a better relationship with his father, you not going might be seen by them as a snub and make things worse?

So - you don't need to go for them, but think about going for DH.

Imbroglio Sun 20-Aug-17 03:40:30

Could you leave your child and dog with your husband's mother for the weekend so that you can be there to support him but keep the cost and disruption down?

3luckystars Sun 20-Aug-17 03:45:06

I feel that most weddings cost too much to attend but sometimes you just have to show a face if it's family.

This isn't a wedding though it's only an anniversary really so your dh could go alone but he might want you to be there with him?

So in summary: I wouldn't want to go either but would probably go to support my husband

PyongyangKipperbang Sun 20-Aug-17 03:57:06

When DH and I looked into a catholic blessing of our marriage (I am divorced) we were told that my marriage would need to be annulled in order for that to happen. So presumably they have either lied to the priest or had his first marriage annulled by the church so it didnt happen as far as the catholics are concerned. Would knowing that change his view?

The fact is that your DH is desperate to have a father in his life who loves him and treats him right. He thinks that if he does whatever his father wants then his father will be that person, but he wont.

Dont go and save the money for the counselling your husband needs to accept the truth about his dad.

highinthesky Sun 20-Aug-17 04:09:42

I wouldn't bother.

Your FIL is a selfish article and no amount of Catholicism is going to change that. Leave him to his new "family" and let him do the running from now on.

emmyrose2000 Sun 20-Aug-17 05:32:13

I wouldn't waste my time or resource on these people or their party.

If your DH is hoping that this will bring him closer to his father, or that he/they will appreciate the effort, then I'm afraid he's in for more disappointment and hurt. I'd be surprised if FIL and SMIL even bother to spend five minutes with DH.

I think it'd be better for DH's self esteem and feelings if he skipped this farce and left FIL and SMIL to their "family". They sounds disgusting and self centred, and not worth the time of day, let alone hundreds of pounds in airfares etc.

Heihei Sun 20-Aug-17 07:48:59

Thanks for the responses. I do worry that DH wants somehow to win approval. However, I have had a good chat to DH, he doesn't want to go either but he doesn't want them to sulk and go totally NC with our Ds and let him grow up without knowing them (he doesn't know them anyway).

DH is really close to SFil - he's effectively been his dad since he was 5. He was the one that tracked down FIL though, FIL had chosen to forget he has a son. The whole thing makes me feel so annoyed. Fil just dips in and out of dh's life. It's so infrequent, and inconsequential. They weren't at our wedding, they didn't meet ds until he was 10 months old.

I think they invited us so they can play happy families for the photos. They are quite highly strung people, so I imagine if we don't go they will have something to say about it. DH is happy for me and ds to stay (ds is 3 btw and is has suspected asd/ sensory issues) but DH believes he has to go. I will support him in going of course, but I'm pig sick of him being treated as an afterthought and I wish they'd wake up and see how crap they treat DH.

Heihei Sun 20-Aug-17 07:51:51

To clarify our ds is 4 in a week, sorry, at 3 am I put he was 4 and just now I've put 3!!!!! I'm actually going barmy worrying about this stupid situation!

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens Sun 20-Aug-17 07:54:22

Just say thanks for the invite but that you don't have the disposable cash at the moment.

DH needs to know that he doesn't need to let them make him feel this way. He can choose to back off too.

AboutAGallonofDietCoke Sun 20-Aug-17 08:06:26


Spend the money on counselling for your husband so he can move forward from his fathers shit treatment.

Sounds like you SFil is your Hs 'new family' to me, and he doesn't need nor deserve his Fs 'support' anymore. sad

MrsJamesAspey Sun 20-Aug-17 08:13:22

I was going to say you should go and support your DH but seeing your update I think neither of you should go and you should spend your time helping your husband to see that if doesn't need to go and if they react badly to him not going then all the more reason not to go.

It might even make them realise that they need to make more of an effort.

Glad to hear he's got a great relationship with his SF

Heihei Sun 20-Aug-17 08:23:39

Thank you for the suggestions about counselling. I think that would really help DH. He's such a wonderful guy and an unbelievable dad. He doesn't deserve to be treated like an afterthought. I just hope he will be able to see that.

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