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AIBU?

To ask how your child would cope with this and how would you help them?

18 replies

Cocklodger · 19/08/2017 07:39

Dd is almost 2 and is going through some turmoil ATM. We are Looking for a new house after a freak incident meant we had to leave our last home. She has had some issues but on the whole (probably as she is so young) she is ok. STBXH cares for her 40-60% of the time depending on the week. He is now starting a fifo job that will take him away for 2 weeks to six months at a time, with equal time off. So if he works 3 weeks at the end of it he gets 3 weeks off.
His first assignement is 2 weeks on 2 off. I'm very very nervous about the whole thing. How will dd cope if she doesn't see him for a few weeks/months when on the whole we have pretty equal care? I'm a bit miffed at him too as we did have an arrangement where when he was working dd was with me and I (I don't do much work only a few weeks contracts here and there to keep my skills current) had the same with him, at the moment I'm working a big festival and dd has been with him a lot, barring evenings and the very rare afternoon/morning off.
That's about to go down the pan. I feel he's shown a lack of consideration not only towards me but worse still our dd
Aibu to ask how you'd help your child cope with this?

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swingofthings · 19/08/2017 07:44

Did he lose his job and then took this one or was it his choice? It really depends on needs vs self-satisfaction.

Painfulpain · 19/08/2017 07:44

Grrr...I don't think there is much you can do beyond lots of reassurance

It makes me so cross, that men do this. It's ALWAYS the mum's left to sort out the childcare/having THEIR work impacted. It wouldn't have crossed his mind that he can't take this contract/working pattern because of his child

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 19/08/2017 07:47

Obviously there is more to this that you cannot reveal, but I would say 1 yr olds are incredibly adaptable and as long as she feels safe and loved she will cope just fine x

Cocklodger · 19/08/2017 07:47

Swingofthings, he was previously much like me mostly self employed doing bits and pieces here and there. Recently did 24hrs a week for a few weeks at a friends business to help out too. My thoughts would be he doesn't need the job and certainly could've gotten a different one, but it's not something I'd feel comfortable pressing someone on (their financial situation/"need" to do x y and z jobs) whoever they are.
It just seems such a jump.
Either way I just want to know of any tips etc anyone could have for helping dd cope more than anything. Rather than knowing if he's U I think he's pretty fucking U tbh

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Cocklodger · 19/08/2017 07:51

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister
Love the username 😂
Thank you, I hope so. I just hate the thought of her being upset or confused because her dad isn't there anymore especially if he goes for a longer period of months.
I'm sure she will be ok either way though.

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Allthewaves · 19/08/2017 07:57

If he's not been getting steady work I do understand him taking a job with guaranteed work.

It does suck him being being away when you had great co parent relationship.

My dh works away and kids adapt. When he's home he makes them his number one priority. Facetime is great as dh sometimes reads them stories etc. They are very adaptable at 2

You might find your ex hates working away. Dh would much rather be home and feels like he's missing out but he has niche skills and this is his work.

GreyCloudsToday · 19/08/2017 08:00

I used to have a job where I travelled once a month when my DC was that age, and I'm expecting to be away from my family for several months next year. We prepared my DC with some great books about travelling, especially the airport, planes taking off etc. We made the slogan "Mama always comes... home"! And DC would shout the last bit, which was very sweet. Once away, we could easily have contact time via FaceTime or similar, which we did every day.

I'm sorry your XH didn't discuss it with you. FWIW the travel has been a really hard thing to negotiate in our relationship. Perhaps your XH could do f/t childcare for the chunks when he's back? You could still have that time to do contracting? I appreciate it's very full on doing it all yourself when XH's away. I take flak from all quarters about being away, I dunno if sexist double standards will kick in, or your XH will feel the disapproval as well.

Cocklodger · 19/08/2017 08:02

I'm not sure how useful ft/mobile contact is down a mine but I'll certainly look into it.

It's been a while since I've had in depth knowledge in his financials, but what I do know via our child support agreement means he doesn't really need to do any work - even bits and pieces. Even without that he wasn't struggling for contracts - he was losing some customers recently because he wasn't willing to keep taking on more and more work... just doesn't make sense. I guess I'll never know really.
I can understand him wanting to try new things though and I'm sure dd will be fine or so I keep telling myself.

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isthistoonosy · 19/08/2017 08:03

I think she will be fine, but don't skype or facetime with him when he is away, as she won't understand and it will upset her.
I just let mine have a picture of their dad to say goodnight to etc when we are away without him. It is much easier for them to deal with.

Cocklodger · 19/08/2017 08:04

is I'm not sure if it's an option, have text STBXH to ask if he knows.
I would like to be able to contact him if needed but I don't know if you can down a mine? Might be a daft question

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TennisAtXmas · 19/08/2017 08:11

but what I do know via our child support agreement means he doesn't really need to do any work - even bits and pieces.
So you're saying here that you KNOW that he has a sufficient source of income without working, or a large amount in the bank, such that he doesn't need to work at all?
That changes things a lot. He's choosing to spend weeks away, when his DD is used to being with him a lot, when he doesn't need to work even - I'd feel v sad for your DD that he puts that above her.
Completely different if he needs to earn money.

Cocklodger · 19/08/2017 08:15

I have no idea why he's done this to be honest. I don't believe money to be an issue - we do split a rental income between us, he has his own monthly income from investments and large savings. Or at least did very recently. I don't know if it's all gone to shit, but he still has the rental income at least (I know as I manage that and send him his part each month)

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TennisAtXmas · 19/08/2017 08:15

I'm not sure how useful ft/mobile contact is down a mine grin but I'll certainly look into it.
This is sounding stranger by the minute - he also won't be able to face time your DD because he's going to be permanently down a mine? For weeks on end??

ilovegin112 · 19/08/2017 08:19

Maybe he realises he can make big money now when she's smaller than when she's older but more aware

Cocklodger · 19/08/2017 08:22

I don't think it's strange, a lot of people work down the mines.
He hasn't said he won't be able to, I just presumed it would be unlikely due to the location is that not the case?

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cdtaylornats · 19/08/2017 08:39

Even when people worked down mines in Victorian times they let them out from time to time. I believe trade unions have got it to the stage where people are allowed above ground on a daily basis.

Except pit ponies. Is he working as a pantomime pit pony?

Cocklodger · 19/08/2017 08:41

I'm not in the uk.
STBXH is absolutely not a pit pony
I've just had a look online and there are a fair few jobs of varying times on and off.

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Cocklodger · 19/08/2017 08:42

I don't know about time above ground though - again I don't know much about it. It's not something I'd ever do or have interest in - so I don't know how/when/why you'd come above ground, how communications etc work.

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