Backstory = exH and I lived next door to his parents for years, hence I know them very, very well. They are difficult people at the best of times and ex FIL is a total fucking nightmare, e.g blaming exH for everything that goes wrong in his life, showing total disregard for the feelings of others and behaving inappropriately towards Dd (not in a very serious way). One incident stands out when dd had a tummy bug. She was vomiting on and off for about three days. She obviously didn't feel well but she was staying hydrated and there's nothing that a GP can do, we just had to ride it out. FIL came round on the second day and demanded that we take her to the Dr. We explained that no, she didn't need to go and why, whereupon he knelt down beside her and said "If I was looking after you I'd make sure you were seen by a Dr, I would look after you properly sweetheart." Needless to say, there was an argument and bad feeling from that and other things that existed for weeks. This man has fallen out with EVERY member of his family and ALL his friends. Quite literally. But he never sees that it's him that is the problem. He is truly unpleasant and ex MIL hovers in the wings ready to console him and agree that it's all someone else's fault.
Fast forward a few years and ex FIL had two, small, strokes in the space of six months. After each one he was confused and didn't recognise his surroundings or exMIL or exH.
About a month later it was Christmas and dd went to stay with GPs with exH. Ex and I agreed that she wouldn't be driven by exFIL at any point due to the strokes and the risk they presented. Ex was very clear about this to his parents.
Dd comes home and my spidey senses are tingling. I casually asked her whether exFIL had driven her at any point and she said yes and described where and when. I was livid and phoned ex and he told me no, exFIL had not driven, that he had personally watched his mother drive out of the car park. Questioned dd a bit more and it turns out that exMIL had driven out of the car park then stopped half a mile down the road and swapped so exFIL was driving!!!
At this point we stopped contact, very shocked that he deliberately went against our instructions and deceived my ex in doing so. There was a big family rift and ex was furious with them. There was a text conversation between me and ex IL where I confirmed that the no contact was a joint decision, made carefully in order to protect our dd. The texts read something like this;
exFIL: "Please don't contact us ever again, we are in contact with (ex) and will discuss things with him."
Me: "I'm afraid that when it's to do with my dd I will be contacting you."
"I've asked you once, nicely, and now I'm TELLING you - do NOT contact us again,"
All communication between dd and GPS stopped and we gently explained to her why. I was absolutely seething. Not only did he ignore our wishes but he put dd in jeopardy, I don't think he was actually allowed to drive at that point either. Ex said that "That's it between me and my parents." Which surprised me because he'd never said that before.
About 3 months later ex asked if dd could phone gps. I said no and explained why and he reluctantly agreed. I felt that any contact at this point would be misconstrued as acceptance of their behaviour. These people are really, really not nice. This is out of character for me, I usually bend over backwards to make sure that dd sees all of her extended family.
Yesterday ex announces that he's planned a stay near his parents and he'd organised a dinner with them. All planned and sorted without asking me because he knew I would say no. We could have discussed it and perhaps found a way around it but like his parents, he's showing total disrespect for my wishes as her mother. Which means I can't trust him. He's condoning their behaviour and the way FIL spoke to me.
So the dilemma is this - do I stop her going on the break (not a holiday as such and she's already been abroad this year) and possibly upsetting her? Or do I trust my instincts and not let her go. Ex has said if she doesn't come to the dinner then she can't logistically come for any part of the break. I now don't trust ex or his parents as they've both shown sneaky behaviour. RL friends have suggested letting her go with strict instructions for her to stay with ex at all times. But after organising this dinner behind my back, I now don't trust him at all.
Basically it comes down to - do I think that there's a real risk to her? Yes.
Could I ever forgive myself if something happened? No.
I don't know what the future holds but I do know that I can't be going forward into anything involving gps dd things stand now. I'm not being petty or spiteful, I have genuine concerns and I feel that my ex has total disrespect for my feelings.
Gosh - so long! Sorry.
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To not let dd (10) see her grandparents?
28 replies
DianaMitford · 18/08/2017 12:39
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