To not like dc

[NoFucksImAQueen]

Ds2 is 3. Just before he turned 1 his temper tantrums kicked in. When he was just over 1 I was getting advice from the hv in how to deal with his behaviour because he was always tantruming , flailing himself on the floor and being destructive:
As he's got older it's got worse. I watched him stamp on my iPad earlier. He rips the wallpaper, draws on the walls, breaks his brothers toys, breaks the baby gates so he can escape his room and winds his brother up constantly by kicking him in the car or pinching him or poking him.
I'm so tired. It's been 2 years now and Iv had enough. We time out but he escapes, he says sorry but doesn't mean it because he still does it again. I have nowhere I can put him to just give me some time from him. He doesn't listen, he just ignores me until I shout and even then it doesn't really work.

He's a middle child and he's delayed with his speech so yes I know this is probably why but honestly I'm not looking to be told why he does these things I just want him to fucking stop. I'm so worn down by him.
My own son and I love him but I don't like him at all

[Maisy313]

Sounds like you are having a really hard time, is there anyone who could take him off your hands for a bit to give you a break? Does he go to bed ok and sleep through the night? I'm sure it will get easier as his language develops.

[NoFucksImAQueen]

He used to go to bed ok at 7pm. It was the only saving grace but now he fights that too and lots of screaming at the gate, escaping and trying to sneak past us to go downstairs. It's usually half 9 before he stops now.
My mum helps out a lot but even still he's just so draining

[DearTeddyRobinson]

Sorry if this is a stupid question but is he getting plenty of outdoor time? Mine need to run the legs off themselves before they're civilised!

[Tainbri]

Hey massive hugs. You sound like you're doing a great job. You say his speech is delayed? Have you had that looked into further? What about other social cues? Any sensory issues? Is he at nursery etc, if so what's he like there? There could be many reasons for the way he reacts, there's no easy solution or magic wand but sounds like you could do with a referral if this is constant.

[NoFucksImAQueen]

He's under speech and language. He's also under the dietician for an undiagnosed intolerance but they are beyond useless. Haven't heard from them since before Christmas and just had a letter to say they will call end of September
They (he and his sister) both had blood tests months ago and that was the last advice we were given from them. I have no idea what the results were from those tests or what I was supposed to be doing with their diet since. All I know it it isn't a dairy/soy intolerance because we saw no improvement when they came off them.
Luckily it doesn't give them any pain, just means I am reluctant to potty train as they always have the runs!
Yes he gets outdoor time but even then he's a pain as he bolts off, runs away and doesn't always listen. His sister is 1year younger and a lot slower so often she'll be behind and he'll run off ahead. Thank god ds1 is 6 and sensible or I'd lose my shit.

[LakieLady]

Bloody hell, you really are having a tough time. Does his dad help out, so you can get a bit of a break?

I'm fairly cynical about food intolerance and behaviour, but I'm sure you could find guidance online about how to eliminate different things for test purposes. It's appalling that the dietician service is so stretched you haven't got anywhere with them.

When I had a client with a child of similar age who was having real trouble with tantrums, I referred the family to children's services who put a family key worker in place for about a year. She was really good and helped the mum develop strategies for managing the meltdowns. They also arranged a cognitive assessment to rule out any LD type issues.

[NoFucksImAQueen]

Dh helps when he's here but he works long hours and I'm a sahm mum so it's mainly me.
Im starting college in September and I'm ridiculously excited for the break. He'll also be In nursery 3 days a week so between mine and his schedules I'll get the best part of 4 days away from him.
Then at the same time i feel awful because I should want to spend time with him. I really enjoy being with ds1 and DD and it makes me so sad that I don't feel the same with him. I also worry he'll realise

I don't think with all the cuts I'd get a support worker now. I know how stretched everything is and it's a real shame.
When I had the hv involved there was lots of praise for good behaviour times out for bad. Sticker charts etc. He just doesn't seem to respond to it.
The other day I took him out with me all morning so we could spend time and chat to help his speech. He just left me so
stressed by running off. I told him if he behaved and stayed close round Sainsbury's he could go on one of the ride on's. I gave him warnings to stop when he was playing up but he carried on so he couldn't go on one and then he tantrums.
I feel bad because I feel like I'm always punishing him but he won't listen long enough to be rewarded

[Tainbri]

How often does he see the speech and language therapist? Presumably you got a referral to SALT in the first place because of concerns? Any chance you could get him referred to a paediatrician? Things like processing, asd etc can go with speech isssues (not that I'm suggesting this is the case) but might be worth ruling out?

[Flowersinyourhair]

OP- it sounds really tough. One thing I noticed though was that you said you'd had a special morning with him and spent it at Sainsbury's. I think that if you know your son has behaviour issues, expecting him to behave suitably in Sainsbury's is probably asking too much and creates an instant fail for you both. Why not have another morning with him but go to a park or soft play area or somewhere where he can run free a bit and you can go crazy with praise.

[Fruitcorner123]

Sounds like you are having a dreadful time OP - poor you

Did this first start when his sister was born? I don't know much about these things but would a one year old play up because they were jealous?

I told him if he behaved and stayed close round Sainsbury's he could go on one of the ride on's. I gave him warnings to stop when he was playing up but he carried on so he couldn't go on one and then he tantrums

This scenario is so familiar. My daughter is 4 and we can't seem to get through to her about the consequences of things and then when she loses the 'treat' she tantrums. I don't know what the answer is but I sympathise. I also know that lack of sleep makes her worse. He is still under the health visitors care until he starts school so could you ask them for some sleep advice as a starting point?

Would he respond to one to one time at home? Could you get your mum to help with the other two and do something with him. If he is difficult in public places then just time in the house playing games, watching a film, baking, playing in the garden with him ( whatever he likes.) Have they tested his hearing?

Also don't feel guilty about 3 days nursery at his age - that's fine and might do him loads of good!

[highinthesky]

Also don't feel guilty about 3 days nursery at his age - that's fine and might do him loads of good!

I have nothing but respect and admiration for nursery staff. Be consistent with their methods and DS2 will respond.

[grasspigeons]

It's really hard. I have a DS a little like this. He doesn't respond to reward charts at all (they make him anxious) he can't be bribed -he cant focus once he knows theres a reward - and he can't be 'threatened' as that would escalate any bad behaviour.

We've had a bit of help from the home school link worker.

I've had to be a lot calmer and hug him and do that reflective listening to try and stop things escalating. (It can be hard when they are screaming they wanted pasta not sausages and tipping the pasta on the floor, but I used to stoke the fire I guess by getting cross)

If he has 'blown' there's no point tackling it as his mind isn't in the right place. So its about safety and getting things he might destroy out the way.

When he is calm , we've talked a lot about coping with anger. School did some meditations and we have a tree he likes to climb when he is cross and we focus on that being better than stamping on an ipad for instance.

We've got 'how to take the grrr out of anger', pants of peace, a huge bag of worries and 'have you filled a bucket today' - these are all books we've read together and he has loved them.

[QuackPorridgeBacon]

I don't really have any advice but don't feel bad. My two aren't as much of a handful I don't think (younger one has an ng tube that is stressful when she likes to pull it out but doesn't like it being passed again) and I can't wait for the break when I start college this year. It's hard being home all the time and some mental break is needed. I can't wait to eat lunch in peace and quiet lol

[NoFucksImAQueen]

Sorry I didn't explain my update well. It wasn't really a special morning just one on one time and Sainsbury's was only 10minutes out of that because I needed to grab school uniform.
To be honest It's probably a viscous circle as I don't try as much as I used to, I'm just so tired of it all.
Behaviour was before sister was born (just) but I had antenatal depression so I was a mess in pregnancy. I probably caused his behaviour.
Thanks for not flaming me everyone, I was fully expecting to be told to get a grip

[NoFucksImAQueen]

Sorry just realised I missed a question. He's been under SALT for about 11 months now. At first a lady came to the house for 6 sessions but she was awful. She was scared of dogs and even though I shut them out she spent most of the time glaring over to where they were in the other room and speeding the session on. Ds didn't like her and so refused to engage with her for the most part. Sessions were meant to be half an hour each but I think she averaged 10 minutes here each time.

We're now at the clinic and he's had 3 appointments. In the last 4 months. It's about once a month we see them.

[liminality]

You didn't cause his behaviour babe. Little humans can be wild for all sorts of reasons. Some of them are just hectic.
keep plugging along. Request assistance, in case you get it. Don't ask definitely don't get. Make sure when you're mum or someone else helps out that you actually take some time out of the house rejuvenating yourself. Liaise with the daycare and be consistent in their and your approaches. It won't go on forever.
One on one time is a good idea.
A counselor, for you, who is maybe equipped in child psychology too, might be an idea. Read books about spirited children, there are some good ones.
Hang in there. You didn't cause anything. You're doing well. Make sure your partner and friends know where you're at.

[Flowersinyourhair]

OP I still think that if you were picking uniform up/going shopping etc you were setting him up to fail. Those kind of jobs are totally dull for young kids and any child would be likely to kick off if forced to do them. I still say take a one on one morning with him again but this time make it all about him. Go where he wants to go and make it utterly child friendly. Let him have a success where you can tell him he's a good boy and he's done well so that you break the cycle of him failing to behave and you taking away the reward. There's a strong chance that some of this behaviour is attention seeking (he was very young when you had your daughter I'm assuming) so give him attention for the good bits.
This isn't a criticism of you at all by the way. I know how it is- jobs have to get done but this is my opinion from an outsiders perspective.

[QuackPorridgeBacon]

I agree with flowers completely. In order to reward you can't set him up to fail by going somewhere he will not enjoy. Baby steps as it were get him used to being rewarded or praised by doing something he can't possibly be naughty with and go from there.

[Mayhemmumma]

I sympathise as I've found my DS (3yrs) really hard work over, well all of this little life! And it is hard not to compare to the easier sibling.One thing that sticks in my mind sometimes is 'the children who need the most love ask for it in the most unloving of ways'....it helps me calm down, cuddle him etc, he really wants carrying and cuddling and affection but sometimes his behaviour is so infuriating it isn't my automatic response.

[Boymama35]

Hey, have a look into the Solihull course (can be done online if local authority etc won't do it). It helps look at it a different way, what to do etc. It is hard, been there, but it will get better!

[NoFucksImAQueen]

We're onto the second tantrum of the morning. First one was before nanny took the dogs for a walk. Screaming shouting and wailing for the whole 15 minutes till she came back. 2nd one was because I said no to him having a second big cup of milk. He's had cereal, a slice of toast and a big (300ml) cup of milk already and it was only 9.40am!
He's screamed for 20 mins over that, kicked while we tried to get him dressed and flailed when changing his nappy.

I must have been a real cunt in a previous life

[NoFucksImAQueen]

Btw it's not that I resent him having food or drink I don't want it to read like that. It's just to demonstrate he wasn't starved or thirsty. He actually had 2 slices of toast but didn't eat the second. More and more often he demands food and drink then doesn't eat or drink them so they're just wasted

[CauliflowerSqueeze]

Have you tried choices? That works really well with my godson. Every choice is one which suits the adult of course.

Do you want one slice of toast or two
Do you want to wear your blue or red trousers
Do you want to skip to the shop or hop
Do you want me to shut the car door or you
Shall we spend 20 minutes at the park or 30 minutes
Do you want to go to bed at 7:00 or 7:10
Do you want me to sit on your bed for the story or sit on the floor
Shall we listen to song a or song b while we brush your teeth

For this morning:

Shall we say goodbye to nanny and the dogs at the door or the gate
Shall we put the lead on dog a or dog b first
While nanny is walking the dog, shall we watch cartoon a or cartoon b

Can I have another glass of milk?
Would you prefer half a glass of milk or a whole glass of water?
There's no more milk for this morning. You can have water or apple juice.

[ohtheholidays]

Bloody hell your having a rough time of it

It might not be but I would honestly speak to your HV or GP as soon as you can and tell them everything that is going on, 2 of our 5DC are asd(were waiting for our 3rd childs meeting to be assessed)and I've worked with children with extra needs in the past and so has my DH and some of the behavior is the same as what we face every day with our youngest DD9,it's bloody exhausting pretty much every day and I do understand the feelings of guilt I've been so low before that I've had to speak to someone at the Samaritans before I did something to myself that I couldn't come back from please don't blame yourself and reach out for some help and support for you before you end up feeling any worse.

[Flowersinyourhair]

Before I had my children an older, wiser last advised me to always pick my battles wisely. Would the extra cup of milk have been awful? Was it worth the 20 min fight? Why was he crying re the nanny? Did he want to go with her? Could he have done? Would he have got dressed easier with that as an incentive?