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AIBU?

Aibu to think it's weird that stepmum calls me her daughter

31 replies

Clumsymumsy22 · 17/08/2017 07:45

A bit of background here. My dad was violent when I was younger and my mum eventually binned him off when I was quite young but still let me see him, though he didn't see me at all for a number of years but we see each other regularly now. Even though he was violent he's still my dad. He's now remarried to someone who has a daughter from a previous relationship.

My mum passed away 7 years ago, and I had my first child 8 months ago. I already feel guilty that my mum never got to meet her first grandchild and it's like I'm rewarding my dad. But when they introduce me to people, they call me 'their' daughter or say they have 2 daughters together. I cringe when they say this because I feel like this is an insult to my mum. When ever I talk about them to people I say 'my dad's wife' or 'my dad and his wife' and even 'my dad's wife's daughter' because I just don't think of them as my stepmum and stepsister.

But they have been supportive of me, especially since mum died. I think he feels guilty that he wasn't there when I was younger and is trying to make up for it now that I don't have her anymore.

Wwyd?

OP posts:

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NoFucksImAQueen · 17/08/2017 07:49

I'd just tell her. It could be that's she's going it to make you feel included and part of the family but there's no harm in nicely telling her that while you appreciate it and love how close you and her are that it feels disrespectful to your own mother

Whatthefudger · 17/08/2017 07:50

Interested to read responses. I'm in exactly the same situation, but with step dad. I feel your pain OP. It feels like an insult to my dad who has passed away, but I feel churlish saying "you're not my dad". tricky one.

CecilyP · 17/08/2017 07:54

Why have you referred to her as your step mum? What age were you when they got together?

Madbengalmum · 17/08/2017 07:57

Surely you are her stepdaughter?

parrotseatemall · 17/08/2017 07:59

She's probably just trying to do the right thing. I had a stepfather and he occasionally did that too, I just ignored it but cringed inwardly. I'm not sure there's much you can say without causing hurt unless you think she's got unpleasant motives.

Whatsername17 · 17/08/2017 08:02

I think you can be direct in a kind way. 'My mum and I were very close and I struggle with not having her around. I'm grateful for your support and consider you a friend, but please don't refer to me as your daughter, it is a little two painful.'

LakieLady · 17/08/2017 08:04

I'd explain to her. If I'd done the same with my DSS, I'd have wanted him to tell me.

Lweji · 17/08/2017 08:08

There's something not very clear.
Is it her who call you and considers you her daughter or is it him who puts it all in the same bag?

BiscuitTinClarabel · 17/08/2017 08:13

If you hadn't mentioned your violent childhood, I would say, gently, that YABU. She is offering you love and inclusion in the family. I speak from experience when I say this doesn't mean she thinks she is or can replace your mum. In my case, I am constantly aware and thinking of the loss of their mum. I refer to them as "mine" to strangers partly to be inclusive but also because the specifics are none of their business. But your history makes things more complicated - maintaining a relationship with your dad after the way he behaved is a difficult decision, especially after losing your mum, and I imagine you may still feel very angry towards him, and perhaps your step mother too, for being able to have a happy life with him when he made sure your mum couldn't? Congratulations on becoming a mum and I hope you work this out xx

Magicnumbers · 17/08/2017 08:15

Step-mum here.

I think this is insensitive of them both. Despite some issues between my DSD and her Mum meaning that she lived with us for quite a while, I would never have crossed this line. Even more do of her Mum had died. It's just not appropriate!

OP you sound like a wonderful and thoughtful person, and I can see how difficult this is for you. As some of the posters have said above, you are well within your rights to speak up on this. If they don't get it, that is their problem not yours.

Xx

Clumsymumsy22 · 17/08/2017 08:17

They both do it. My dad does it more but His wife has said 'these are our daughters'

It feels a little better that my dad also calls her daughter his daughter, but I don't know how she feels about it. I dont really talk to my 'stepsis' unless we're all meeting up. I see my dad and his wife about once every 6 weeks which is enough for me, and they only really introduce me to people on the odd occasion so I can probably just get over it. But I will never think of her as my mum or even stepmum

I did correct someone once, who referred to them as my parents, and I just said 'no she's not my mum'. Maybe it's just easier for them to introduce me that way? Instead of having to explain everything?

OP posts:

thatdearoctopus · 17/08/2017 08:27

I do understand what you're saying but I expect that it's more for ease than anything else. I mean, if both she and your dad are introducing you and your step-sister together, I expect she means 'his daughter and my daughter' but abbreviates it to 'our' daughters.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/08/2017 08:29

Tell them not to, tell them you had a mum already who you love very much. You find it upsetting.

notangelinajolie · 17/08/2017 08:30

Looking ahead I think you need to address what your step mum is going to be calling your child. I think this may cause you upset too.

IHeartDodo · 17/08/2017 08:31

Technically I guess "these are our daughters" is correct, as they each have one daughter.
Like if a friend and I said "these are our fathers" - we don't think we have 2 fathers, we have one each.

LikeARedBalloon · 17/08/2017 08:39

This thread is interesting as I've been having similar thoughts recently.. .I'm getting married soon and I will have a step child. I already have my own child with a previous partner. So me and my DH will have one child each and one step child each. How do I introduce them without offending anyone? "We have 2 children"? "We have one child each"? "This is my child and my step child"? It's a difficult one as I don't want to offend or leave any one out. I know from personal experience that I hated being made to call my step siblings my brothers and sisters. And my step mum referring to me as her child. I had a mum! Sorry to butt in on the thread but it's a subject which must affect so many blended families.

MachineBee · 17/08/2017 08:39

I never call my step-children my kids, but occasionally will allow other people (such as at the airport) to say 'your son' because it just makes life easier.

This is because even after 10 years with their DF, my relationship with them is still challenging and I walk on eggs around them all the time and they can get upset at the daftest of things.

I would love a closer relationship but have realised that I will always be the wicked stepmother to them. It's sad. PS - I was not OW

blankface · 17/08/2017 08:44

It's a lot easier introducing you and your step-sis to strangers by saying these are our daughters Nellie and Kelly, rather than saying meet our girls, Nellie's Freddy's daughter from his first marriage and Kelly's Tania's daughter from her first marriage so they're not related, they're step-sisters.
All the relationships in the family aren't strangers' business, it makes things awkward for your father and his wife divulging that, and it's a bit full-on and TMI for the person hearing it.

KanyeWesticle · 17/08/2017 08:47

I think it's different when the kids are young and you are bringing them up. You're not replacing anyone. That said, with younger ones, why not just say "This is Sophie and this is Jess". The blood relationship doesn't matter on most occasions.

OP is an adult and brought up by her mother, and for her dad's wife, faking a blood relationship (and family history) that never existed, is at best lazy and thoughtless.

Eeeeek2 · 17/08/2017 08:47

I don't think they're wrong really as you are both their daughters, one each so between them they have 2 daughters.

If it makes you feel weird talk to your dad and tell him how you feel.

By the way I doubt your mum would want you to feel guilty about going on with your life after she died. She would be happy that you have got a child, have you got a photo up so you can talk about granny to your child?

As a side note gave you thought of what your Dad's wife is going to be referred to by your child? By name or by a title i.e. Gran/nan/ nannny name. If so start referring to her by this so your child follows suit and you can avoid the name that you refer to your mum by.

Lweji · 17/08/2017 09:05

It looks more like they're doing it out of laziness or maybe a bonding thing between the two.

Do you have any idea about wills? Maybe they've decided to consider both of you their daughters for all intents and purposes.

However, it would be very easy for them to introduce you as his daughter and hers as hers.

Unless they don't want people to ask about previous marriages?

I think this requires an honest conversation about it. At least to ask them why they do it.

Clumsymumsy22 · 17/08/2017 09:46

Thank you everyone for your support. Its been helpful to me and a few others in similar situations who have posted - the child involved like myself, and step parents.

Had a few posts which have been thought provoking and given me something else to consider. But one point I forgot to mention, when I'm on my own they also introduce me as 'their daughter'. Does that change anything?

As for my child, she has been supportive. My dad can be manipulative. E.g. We agreed not to share the name of baby until he was born and my dad called me childish. He's not mentioned it since and I think his wife gave him a talking to. She seems to wear the trousers and tells him when he seems to be overbearing or controlling (don't know if they're the right words to use). I'm happy for her to be in my child's life and we have talked about what she's going to be known as.

I'm going to kind of contradict myself here. My dads mum remarried before I was born, and I always knew her new husband as my granddad. I never met my dad's dad and assumed he'd died before I was born until I recently found out he died when I wasn't 18. I'm a little worried that my mum will be forgotten about. The difference is, no one ever talked about my dad's dad, but I'm going to make sure my son knows who my mum is. I'm pretty sure I can do that but still keep my dad and his wife on the scene?

OP posts:

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Clumsymumsy22 · 17/08/2017 09:47

And no idea about wills either

OP posts:

Allthebestnamesareused · 17/08/2017 09:50

We have a his, mine and ours.

Depending on who we are talking to we may say we have 3 boys (but no necessarily say His, mine, ours) but usually I call them the boys in that situation rather than our sons. They are also 24,19 and 15.

I wonder whether I'd say our sons when they are all over 30 or still says the boys.

Tinkerbec · 17/08/2017 09:51

I would think it was lovely had you not mentioned the past.

If he had been a great dad all your life and it was an inclusive thing like biscuit has said I would say let it go.

But I can understand why it bothers you given your past.
Maybe it is better to just let it go. You know the truth.

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