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Upset at boss' comment AIBU

(23 Posts)
User1725352718263 Wed 16-Aug-17 18:23:51

Hi! I'm looking for some opinions and I don't mind being told I'm overreacting.

Some background: I'm from abroad and been living in the U.K. for 4 years due to a marriage with a British men (I don't know if it matters but he's British, so are his parents, grand parents, grand grand parents so not someone who acquired British citizenship). For those years I've been living in here I heard and overheard all sort of comments questioning "why" we were getting married (for love? What other reason would we have?). Anyway, this used to piss us off as we knew that people were really questioning if I was seeking a visa, and not to mention MIL racist comments every time she sees me.

Today at work I was drafting a power of attorney to be used in the country I am from, for marriage purposes (British men marrying woman from outside the EU). I went to my boss to ask if he was happy with the quote I was about to send to our client and I commented "well this is quite expensive. He would be better off flying to xxxx and getting married there" and my boss replies "yeah but you are assuming it's for love when it might be for visa purposes". There was no evidence or any detail that would indicate a sham marriage, so why the hell he made this unfortunate comment? I am angry at him now. Why does he think that someone from my country is the poor party who needs a visa? Honestly I think this was so arrogant and racist from his part and I'm livid. I didn't say anything and just left his office but I wish I had told him off.
Please let me know if I'm being unreasonable here because I'm so angry that I cannot even look at his face tomorrow.
X

bluejelly Wed 16-Aug-17 18:36:58

yanbu - your boss sounds way out of line.

Adrianflank Wed 16-Aug-17 18:42:45

I think your boss is way out of line!

My missus is from eastern Europe and we get the same comments from people, but the fact is she can apply for British citizenship when ever she likes now!
People say she is after my money, I don't have money, infact she earns more than me, she is a nurse, she is a manager and runs her own ward!

We have stopped justifying yourself now, we just laugh at people that make comments

DaddyBrookes Wed 16-Aug-17 18:43:54

Sounds like your boss is a professional cynic. But you aren't being unreasonable as it seems to have caused you genuine hurt due to your own past experiences.

OhhBetty Wed 16-Aug-17 18:44:17

Your boss shouldn't have said it. But people say dickish things all the time (not an excuse, you just perhaps need to grow a thick skin or be assertive enough to challenge it).
Also, people have been very rude asking questions about your marriage so perhaps come up with some go-to comebacks to shut them down. You also sound a little shocked that some people get married for visas but it does happen. 4 of my close friends from around the world did just that to get here. But, 3 of them have grown to love their husbands and have been married longer than many people I know. So it doesn't always mean a "sham" marriage.

User1725352718263 Wed 16-Aug-17 18:59:51

OhhBetty I am not shocked at all as I work in the legal field. And nobody should grow a thick skin when you're dealing with racism!

It was a stupid comment but I think quite a lot of people hold a bit of an notion that people marrying British nationals are doing it because they have a burning desire to get a British passport. People are often quite blinkered an assume that everyone considers Britain to be wonderful and that they can't wait to live here. It comes as a bit of a shock when that isn't the case, hence the "well if you don't like it here you can bugger off home" reactions to any non-Brit criticising the country.

DH is from North Africa and I got a few comments from people when we got married about why he was marrying me. We are still married 17 years later so I guess it was just for a visa after all winkgrin.

Antigonads Wed 16-Aug-17 19:14:38

Well Betty knows 4 people who did marry for visas.

OhhBetty Wed 16-Aug-17 19:15:06

Umm I never said you should grow a thick skin regarding racism at all. That was in reference to general life just so that you can challenge it in a calm and measured way. Having been the victim of racism including physical attacks more times than I can count it was just my bit of advice.
You will probably get a range of opinions and advice what with this being a public forum.

OhhBetty Wed 16-Aug-17 19:15:42

Antigonads wtf was that little dig for?

OhhBetty Wed 16-Aug-17 19:17:14

I also know myself got put in ICU for the colour of my skin so perhaps snigger at that too.

Antigonads Wed 16-Aug-17 19:18:00

It wasn't a dig. I was pointing out that it is not unheard of for people to marry for visas as at least one person on a small thread knew 4 such people.

OhhBetty Wed 16-Aug-17 19:18:35

Yeah ok then.

Antigonads Wed 16-Aug-17 19:19:09

And who the fuck sniggered?

Sheesh.

BrandNewHouse Wed 16-Aug-17 19:19:34

It was a stupid comment but I think quite a lot of people hold a bit of an notion that people marrying British nationals are doing it because they have a burning desire to get a British passport. People are often quite blinkered an assume that everyone considers Britain to be wonderful and that they can't wait to live here. It comes as a bit of a shock when that isn't the case, hence the "well if you don't like it here you can bugger off home" reactions to any non-Brit criticising the country.

This x1000000.

greendale17 Wed 16-Aug-17 19:21:21

Your boss shouldn't have said it but there is some truth to it. 8/10 people marry for the visa

DailyMailReadersAreThick Wed 16-Aug-17 19:21:30

I know a little bit of how you feel, OP, because I married a man from a 'poor' country. Lots of people assumed I was being taken for a mug.

This comment wouldn't have bothered me, I don't think, unless I thought it was a dig at me (e.g. if he had made snide comments about my marriage in the past). None of us can guess at your boss's tone or intent.

ragged Wed 16-Aug-17 19:34:49

Sorry, I think you're projecting your experiences onto this situation.

Your boss wasn't talking about you.
Lawyers are the World's greatest cynics.

"it might be for visa purposes"

If your boss said it was definitely for visa purposes that would be prejudiced; but a might is a "might", no more.

I am not British either, btw.

KimmySchmidt1 Wed 16-Aug-17 19:39:05

He was talking about the client not you. His theory would explain why the client had not done as you had commented wouldn't it? And if he thinks it might be true of the client then I am not sure why it is inappropriate for him to say it to you in confidence about them?

It is difficult for me to say whether this was just his view about that client or whether it was a secret dig at you, but there is absolutely no value whatsoever in you kicking up a fuss and going around being angry and difficult, so think really hard about whether you are sure the whole comment was fake and entirely designed to be a dig at your marriage (does your boss have time/interest in commenting on your private life? has he done it before? why would he care?).

As you will have noted, British people don't like arguments and confrontation, so be prepared to give a full and logical account to HR if you raise it. He will not just enjoy a slanging match with you and then move on, and you will not last long there if you just go around being bad tempered and difficult without explaining why.

MissBeehiving Wed 16-Aug-17 19:51:27

I think that you're reading too much into it. It seems to me that he was simply making a comment about why the client might be inclined to pay a higher bill rather than the inconvenience of being married elsewhere.

User1725352718263 Wed 16-Aug-17 20:03:58

Many thanks for all you replies. Now I'm not angry anymore and I think that he was being cynical on purpose. And like I said there was no reason why he would think the client's marriage was not genuine.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Wed 16-Aug-17 20:16:55

I agree with Missbeehiving.

I know a large number of couples who technically married for Visa purposes.

Generally happened like this:-

Couple of two different nationalities meet, fall in love and toddle along with their lives perfectly contentedly. One of them is studying / working abroad in a way that is time limited. Gets towards end of time. Couple makes decision that they want to stay together. Couple gets married.

They are absolutely in love with each other but if it wasn't for the need for a visa would probably not have got married at that particular point in their lives. But when faced with the "marriage or split" decision - suddenly debating the pros and cons of sugared almonds for favours looks very appealing.

Interestingly (although my sample size is too small to be statistically significant) the divorce rate of these couples is lower than couples I know who got married "just because".

User1725352718263 Wed 16-Aug-17 20:57:40

Mumoftwoyoungkids Those situations can happen but not in the case I'm talking about: both client and fiancé are professionals and over 30 years old

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