Teenager in bedroom...

[GaynorGoodwin]

My daughter who is 17 and on a break from college is spending far too much time in her bedroom. She's got friends but rarely goes out instead spends her time on her phone, skyping, etc., and it's getting me down. I was actually tearing up earlier after getting back in from doing a bit of shopping to see she was still up there. Quite often she takes her lunch up there...

I've suggested we go out, do a bit of shopping, walk the dog, etc, and am blankly refused before she turns and goes back up. I'm fed up and don't know what to do.

I'm feeling rather sensitive, but advice is welcome, thanks

[caffeinestream]

I don't see the problem - she's 17, it's perfectly normal.

[Fresh8008]

it's getting me down. I was actually tearing up earlier

Sorry whats it got to do with you? I dont get it.

[Ladydepp]

That would annoy me too. My teens are younger but they know they have to spend some time with me each day, even if it is just meals or a dog walk.

Do you give her chores to do?

[StickThatInYourPipe]

Ladydepp haha good luck with that when they are 17 and basically adults!

[FooFighter99]

DSD is 17 and is the same way, rarely eats meals with us. Spends 95% of her time in her room. Has little interaction with us but has started spending time with friends from school/college (one of her friends has moved a few houses up the road) and so is getting out a tiny bit more...

I think it's just a teenager thing. Don't stress too much, she'll be back in college soon and will hopefully make more friends and get out of the house a bit more

[teaandtoast]

Are you an extrovert and she's an introvert?

I've spent most of the day in my bedroom, barring chores etc. Partly because I'm resting my ankle, mostly because it's my favourite place to be.

And the sun is roasting today.

[DrMadelineMaxwell]

We've instilled a 'no food upstairs' rule which means they know they are expected downstairs for dinner (and lunch on non-school days) and it's ingrained now. So they just do it.

It's the only time DD1 (16) will stay downstairs. If the TV is on and I'm watching something funny, she can be laughing her socks off, but then off she goes back to her room.

DH doesn't like it. I try and remind him that HE was the one who installed an intercom for his Mum into her kitchen so she could beep and call them down for their dinner (sometimes to take back into their rooms) so he's a fine one to talk.

[PoodleJ]

Be more specific and direct with your request. E.g tomorrow morning we will go for a walk the park with the dog rather than a request/being wishy washy about it.
Maybe try doing something that focuses on your daughter first, take her out for lunch or cake.

[GaynorGoodwin]

@ Ladydepp, yes I've asked her to help with the odd dog walk and she's done it just once. She does what she wants, when she wants but when she wants something expects me to jump! I'm done and cannot wait until college starts back in September.

[GaynorGoodwin]

Thanks Foofighter.

[NerrSnerr]

I was like this aged 17. I just preferred to spend time alone, reading, watching etc. I did have a part time job but I didn't have many hours at college so spent a lot of time in my room. I'm a fully functioning adult, married, job and children. I still like my own space sometimes fat chance with a 4 month old and a 3 year old

[MarmaladeIsMyJam]

Why is it getting you down? Do you think she should be doing something more 'worthy'? I used to spend hours in my bedroom reading. I never quite get parents bothering teenagers to be 'up and about'

[MarmaladeIsMyJam]

Ah right, it's pissing you off that she's not helping out? Tell her what you expect her to do and follow through with consequences if she doesn't do it.

[sororitynoise]

What's wrong with you?

[KimmySchmidt1]

I guess there are three possibilities:

1. she is going through a moody teenager phase.
   

1. she doesn't like spending time with you.
   

1. she is depressed.
   

Have you asked about which one it is? I'm always amazed how many people come on here asking strangers questions they should just be asking their family. If you are concerned about her welfare and feelings and happiness, why don't you ask her about it?

Separately, are you fun to be around? Do you make her laugh? Because if not, why would she want to spend time with you? My parents were enjoyable to spend time with. They were funny, not snappy, had good ideas about fun stuff to do. They didn't act as if I owed it to them to spend a miserable unhappy time with them. As an adult, how much time do you spend with people who you don't enjoy being around? It is a balance - teenagers always go through that phase anyway, so if you are trying to be fun and its not working then don't worry.

[OverTheHammer]

My kids (16 and 18) are the same if they're home but they do go out with friends/girlfriends most days. Eldest also works a couple of days a week.

They don't spend time with me though, ever. I'm trying to encourage my youngest to come to karate with me once a week but not getting very far at all.

[ollieplimsoles]

My teens are younger but they know they have to spend some time with me each day

What an extremely odd thing to demand of your children

Op, i remember spending loads of time in my room at that age too, i needed some time alone after all the exam pressure to just enjoy having nothing to do.

[Pallisers]

My 16 and 17 year olds spend loads of time in their bedrooms. I find it vaguely depressing but I think it is pretty normal.

They will come down for meals and have dinner with us/help cook/walk the dog if asked/sort the laundry/and sometimes sit and watch tv or play cards or just chat with us but their default position is in their rooms.

[Runny]

Would you rather she was staying out all night drinking and taking drugs?

Sorry, but I can't see the problem here? This is just normal teenage behaviour. She doesn't have to spend time with you if she doesn't want to.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Can we swap just for a while? Dd (9).never leaves me alone. I'm chonically ill so it's very tiring despite her being lovely.

Seriously, I spent all of my time in my room. Yes, part of it was to escape my bully of a brother and narcissistic mother. However I'm also an introvert and I spent hours reading and listening to music.

[Ellieboolou27]

Lived in my room or at my friends houses in their rooms at that age, lasted until I got ID to go out to pubs, clubs etc
I'm dreading the teenage years!

[FooFighter99]

I understand how frustrating it is when all you want is a little interaction with your DD. It will pass though, it's just a phase that most of them go through.

My DD5 is the polar opposite to her big (half)sister, but I'm sure she'll be just the same when she's 17!

Hopefully she'll end up like me as my mum and I are like best friends

Roll on September 5th! And remember, don't take it personally

[user7841794168]

It's what teenagers do.

[Fluffypinkpyjamas]

All perfectly normal. She'll be interacting with her friends on social media who are all in their rooms too!