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AIBU to move out??

(58 Posts)
Glitterbug83 Sun 13-Aug-17 09:01:16

Help. Please.

I've just found out my mum in law has invited herself to come and stay at mine for 2 weeks whilst my brother in law (whom she lives with) is on holiday. I have a 1 year old, work part time and currently don't have a dishwasher which makes washing up a pain. To top that off, I actually cannot stand her. In the time I've been married, I've never received a compliment off her; she's always critical of what I do including my cooking and parenting saying there's not enough salt in something or why am I giving my poor daughter a dummy); she's insulted me in front of the whole family once implying that I didn't help enough at their parties when there were already 9 women in the kitchen and I was exhausted as I was working full time and commuting 1hr 30mins to and from work; she's a very negative person overall; she repeats things 20 times at least and talks very loudly (due to hearing problems); she has no interests beyond praying and attending the community centre when driven there; whilst I was pregnant she didn't help me once or offer to cook although she does for her daughter and daughter in law and instead told me my belly was too low and my belly was too small so my baby would be too small. Husband has never stuck up for me in front of her and I basically have no time for the woman. To make my husband happy, I used to dye her hair with him regularly and buy her clothes /hair dye and even sorted out her whole room for her when they moved house but when she didn't seem to reciprocate it and remembered her sons birthday often but not mine I just couldn't be bothered anymore.

Granted, she does have arthritis and she is 80. But if she moves in to my place for 2 weeks, AIBU to move to my parents? I cannot take people staying over in my space for so long as I'm quite a private person... and I do not want to look after her in addition to my baby.


olderandnowiser Sun 13-Aug-17 09:09:11

I would go to your parents and let your DH look after her, there's no medals for looking after a nasty MiL.

Trb17 Sun 13-Aug-17 09:11:23

Or just say no she can't stay. It's what I'd do.

Revenant Sun 13-Aug-17 09:11:56

Why is it your job and not your DH's job to look after HIS mother? Is all the work (the party kitchen work for example) automatically assigned to women in your DH's family? YANBU to want to move out to your parents but might want to look at ways of tackling this with your DH long term

Crumbs1 Sun 13-Aug-17 09:12:34

I think you are being a bit mean and self centred. She's 80 and your husband's mother. Elderly people can become very set in their ways and be incredibly irritating but surely you can rise above that?
No dishwasher isn't really an excuse for one more plate.
Saying something needs a bit more salt is hardly the end of the world - more normal conversation. Saying your pregnancy was low is hardly a major insult, is it?
Maybe when she arrives make her feel welcome. Ask her advice on small things "Do you think this needs a little more salt?" "What is the best way to get the stains out of this bib?" etc. You never know you might actually learn something.
Surely your husband can help with the extra work too?

Glitterbug83 Sun 13-Aug-17 09:15:05

My parents live 5 mins away. I just called my mum and she said I can't get away with it and should instead stay at home but come over during the daytime. She thinks it'll look rude confused

Topseyt Sun 13-Aug-17 09:18:30

Yes, I would move to your parents for a couple of weeks with your DD and leave DH to look out for his mother.

Either that or say that she simply cannot come to stay. I think people who invite themselves have a bloody cheek anyway and need pulled up sharply on it.

Glitterbug83 Sun 13-Aug-17 09:19:51

Crumbs1 how am I being mean and self centred by wanting to avoid the scenario altogether? I should add I had a major operation 7 weeks ago, she didn't even phone to ask me how I was or bring food. I had a call section when my baby was born, not once did she say anything nice about her other than she had a red stork mark on her eye. I don't need to be around people, elderly or young, who make you feel like shit right?

Glitterbug83 Sun 13-Aug-17 09:21:47

I couldn't do much after my c section and she didn't once call or offer to bring me food. What's that about?

Glitterbug83 Sun 13-Aug-17 09:22:59

Revenant, yes. The women automatically get to do all the cooking and cleaning etc at gatherings. Sad, I know

SheSaidHeSaid Sun 13-Aug-17 09:23:33

She thinks it'll look rude

No, your MIL is rude. Sod niceties now because your MIL certainly hasn't worried about whether he behaviour was rude to you before.

I think it's a cheap cop out to say that older people have a right to be rude or we should just expect it. No. Respect works both ways.

Go to a friend's instead?

HipsterHunter Sun 13-Aug-17 09:23:36

Well it will look rude to stay st your mums but frankly she doesn't deserve any basic courtesy.

All the "old people are lovely and deserve to be pandered to" crap... nasty adults grow up to be nasty old people. You don't get a special pass for being a bitch just because you've managed to live for a long time.

Topseyt Sun 13-Aug-17 09:24:47

Shame your mum thinks that.

Make sure you do go over every day. Have as many of your meals there. Go as early as possible and get back as late as possible. It would still make it more bearable and give you a chance to impress upon your parents how difficult the relationship with your MIL is.

Iseesheep Sun 13-Aug-17 09:27:50

It sounds like you've made up your mind already so there wasn't a great deal of point in asking was there?!

If by any chance you're still looking for opinions then I think moving out for 2 weeks is sending a very clear message that you don't like the woman. I couldn't do that to an elderly lady, particularly my husband's mother who he no doubt loves very much.

If your child's future spouse does the same to you be sure not to be offended!

Bumbumtaloo Sun 13-Aug-17 09:30:28

It seems MIL's can't do right for doing wrong. If she had of offered to bring food she would have been accused of overstepping the mark, she didn't so she doesn't care.

When all said and done she is an elderly lady, who most probably has her own health issues. Do you call her to see how she is? Offer to take food to her if she's been ill?

No, she shouldn't be rude to you but then you go on to say she is a very rude person overall. No you don't have to be around someone who is rude, that's your choice but I know I would be incredibly hurt if my DH moved out when my DM came to stay.

The dishwasher is a red herring, lots of people myself included don't have on at all.

NerrSnerr Sun 13-Aug-17 09:33:47

You have a husband so why would you expect your MIL to bring you food after a c section? Couldn't he cook? If it was your FIL would you expect him to do the same.

Why not ask your husband to do the washing up, cooking etc whilst she's here?

missmollyhadadolly Sun 13-Aug-17 09:34:04

So she's expecting you to wait on her hand and foot for 2 weeks?

I would invent an illness at your mums and go there for 2 weeks.

crazykitten20 Sun 13-Aug-17 09:34:50

Goodness! As your MIL is so horrid to you, surely her son, your husband, will gently tell her that your mental health won't cope with her and her criticism for 2 weeks. Problem solved

NormaSmuff Sun 13-Aug-17 09:35:44

no, it would be passive aggressive of you to move out. let alone childish.
you never know, you might built bridges.

Trollspoopglitter Sun 13-Aug-17 09:38:52

I think your mother was telling YOU that you cant come over to her house for two weeks.

See how that works? If your husband's mother is rude for inviting herself to her son's home - you are just as rude inviting yourself and a noisy baby to your mother's home for two weeks.

NormaSmuff Sun 13-Aug-17 09:40:07

you say she normally lives with someone but they are going away? does she need looking after ?

Glitterbug83 Sun 13-Aug-17 09:49:55

Normasmuff, you're right. It is passive aggressive. Trollspoopglitter, you're right too. I'll do it, because I love my husband.

NormaSmuff Sun 13-Aug-17 09:51:57

you can off load every evening on mn op grin

Glitterbug83 Sun 13-Aug-17 09:53:42

She helps out at my brother in laws with cooking & cleaning but doesn't need 'looking after' there as such. At my place she does nothing and waits to be served food/tea etc

Glitterbug83 Sun 13-Aug-17 09:57:38

Bumbumtaloo, I call her once a week at least and take her fresh food when she's poorly. I'm not mean myself.

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