Parents won't visit new baby

[newmum7369]

This is perhaps more of a WWYD. Name changed as this could be outing but I am a frequent MN user and have posted about this previously.

A bit of background so as not to drip feed. My parents, sister and brother all live within about 2 minutes of each other. Most of my family and longstanding family friends live within another 10 minutes. Sister has 3 children (13-10 years), brother and SIL expecting first baby early September. DH and I live 40 minutes away and are committed to living here as DH runs his own business here and needs to be local.

DS1 was born 2 weeks ago today. He is perfect and healthy and DH and I are over the moon.

When I was pregnant I spoke to my mum about having concerns about her visiting me and helping out with the baby as I knew they would have a new baby on their doorstep shortly after mine was born. I was assured there would be absolutely no favouritism and that she would have ample time to visit us and help out. We've also had a similar conversation since he was born and she promised she would help out.

Now the baby is here my mum and dad visited for the first time this weekend for a couple of hours on Friday night. This visit took a huge amount of organisation and 3 previous cancelled visits. My mum is very reluctant to visit us without my dad because she doesn't want to do the driving (it's basically one road and the trickiest part is through then town they live in which she does all the time). I have invited her here a number of times since DS has been born and she makes excuses. She has never called me since he has been born to see how we are getting on, although she will ask if I call her.

My brother's baby isn't even here yet and she is showing no interest in mine unless I am prepared to bring him to her.

[newmum7369]

Sorry, posted too soon.

My brother's wife voices concerns about how much help she would get from my mum because she's not her daughter, and mum said that of course she would get plenty of help and that it made no difference. I could have burst into tears as I had received no help despite asking for it in the tricky early newborn days.

AIBU in wanting her to be more interested or am I expecting too much? Is there anything I can try to do to salvage this?

[KadabrasSpoon]

What are you wanting her to help with? Maybe invite her over to see the baby, cuddle etc. She might think you are only inviting her over to do jobs for you which would put me off tbh.
You'll get a mixture of responses on here but my parents have never done babysitting etc they are elderly and find it exhausting
Also can you visit them? Maybe alternate visits

[honeysucklejasmine]

YANBU but you can't make her show an interest.

Congratulations on your new arrival.

[Ginmakesitallok]

Your poor mum - I think you and your sil are behaving badly. Your mum doesn't owe you help.

[Ellieboolou27]

That sounds really tough, I can't see how you can force your mum to visit, however I'd have a honest chat with her to say how you feel, if she doesn't make an effort after that I'd give up.
I can't imagine how it must feel for you, my mum lives 40 minutes drive away and doesn't drive, she got 3 buses to mine which takes about 90 minutes and she stayed with me every weekend got the first 4 months!
It also depends on your relationship with your mum. I also never needed to ask as she would just say "I'm coming up"
I'd tell your mum exactly how you feel, if she doesn't make more of an effort then there's not much else you can do.

[Windbeneathmybingowings]

I think different parents will offer different degrees of help when a new baby comes. My MIL offers a lot of help if it is on her terms i.e. We go to her. I could happily go there and spend all day with her looking after the kids. (I don't of course but SIL takes advantage of that)

Where as my mum who is adamant she does a hell of a lot for us, doesn't really. She'll change a nappy here and there or arrive with a massive bag of second hand clothes that I then have to sort through and give back to charity!

I think you just need to change your expectations of how much your family will be able to help you. It's upsetting when they appear to show no interest (my mum is like this until the kids get to about 2) but they aren't doing it to be mean iyswim. They offer the help they can. Congrats on your baby x

[aaaaargghhhhelpme]

Hi op

I think I remember you. But it's difficult to be honest. Can I ask why you didn't just continue your original thread? It might be easier to understand the whole situation

Whilst it's sad your parents don't seem too involved I'd be wary of 'expecting' help.

Also maybe they wanted to give you alone time as a family to settle. My parents only came to see us in the hospital then left us while DH was on paternity leave. We were in constant contact but we were just enjoying being a new family together

[Ellieboolou27]

I knew you'd probably get "your mum doesn't owe you any help" replies
Mums help and support should last a lifetime, if I couldn't be there to support my adult child when she needs me the most and see my grandchild, well, I think I'd fail at being a mum.

[aaaaargghhhhelpme]

Oh and congratulations on the baby!

[OrangeButton]

I think I remember your posts about SIL - is she the one who is very demanding of your DM's time and DM seems afraid to upset her, or something along those lines?

You're not at all unreasonable to want your mother to be there more. Lots of mothers almost move in in the early days.

And if you're the poster I'm thinking if then it's almost guaranteed that she would be there more often if SIL hadn't just given birth too.

The reality is that the situation is unfair to you, but ultimately your mother is in charge of her time and if she can't say no to SIL then you can't do much about that and will have to swallow it. What she does and doesn't do with her family and time is her decision.

Would it be possible to invite DM to stay for a couple of days - or just overnight? Tell her you really miss your mum and you know that it's a long journey for her to do in a day (whether she thinks it is or not is different).

I'm sure someone will be along to point out the other side which is of course that you're not entitled to any help from her and many women don't have mothers (or anyone else) around to help. I didn't so I know that side well.

But you're not trying to commandeer her time.

If you're the poster that I think you are, I'm sad on your behalf that it's turned out like this, even though it was the prediction a while back.

[aaaaargghhhhelpme]

Ellie - whilst I agree and certainly in my family being a grandparent is taken very seriously! I know it's not the same everywhere. And you can't make someone show an interest.

It's very sad. My parents are over the moon to be grandparents and bloody love it. They would look after my little one every day if they could. But I also see grandparents who are happy to not be involved.

[newmum7369]

Sorry I should have said that mum has always been extremely involved with my sisters 3 children voluntarily so I sort of thought she would want to have a similar relationship with mine.

[Yika]

I don't have any useful suggestion but I would be incredibly hurt. YANBU. Are you normally close? Would she help you out about other things?

Congratulations on the birth of your son!

[OrangeButton]

Sorry realised SIL's baby not here yet. But if you're the poster I remember I'm betting SILis somehow involved in DM not being there.

And agree with PP - it is hurtful.

[newmum7369]

Sorry I meant I had hoped she would spend more time with her new grandchild as opposed to coming round to do jobs. I've told her I just want to make sure she gets to know him and vice versa. On Friday dad even said that they will probably be known as the 'other' grandparents because PIL love a lot closer to us than they do.

I said that I absolutely didn't want them to be the other grandparents and that I would be bringing DS to see them and his cousins, aunties and uncles plenty, but that I hoped they would come up to see us plenty as well so that it isn't us always going to see them (which it has always tended to be)

[newmum7369]

Should have said PIL live a lot closer

[aaaaargghhhhelpme]

Oh I see. Sorry. Didn't realise they were already grandparents and been more involved with your sister. That is hurtful

Have you had a chat with her. What does she say? It can't just be the driving if you're offering to come over

[Quirkyle]

Im in the same boat I went to uni and moved away from my home town. I met my now husband who runs a small business. I now live 40m/1hr max away. My mum has never worked and travels miles for shopping. She does nothing with my kids. We live to far apparently. I used to go to them alot. I stopped as had my second child, worked pt husband works insane amount of hours and it was too much.

She has been invited to Christmas nativity etc but never comes. rarely comes to their birthday parties! disappointment is huge and I get upset but what can I do. Hurts even more as my friends have doting grandparents and fab relationships.

My sister has two now guess who looks after them while she works? I did say to my sister when she harks on about but you moved away! Line that I hoped her kids never moved away as she would miss them... not.

[KadabrasSpoon]

Ok I didn't realise there was a whole other thread of back story here and just read the OP.
It is hurtful. My parents hardly see the DCs either but do have a lot of travel time so we always go to them.
Yours have already visited though and sounds like they have other commitments but obviously I haven't seen your other thread (perhaps link to it?)
You'll find a way of adjusting though and be really happy. There's so much variety in help provided by grandparents so don't expect too much and then anything is a bonus.

[newmum7369]

I don't think I'm the same poster Orange, but my prediction has turned out to be correct. My brother spoke to my mum and said that his wife was worried that she wouldn't get the same level of help from my mum because she wasn't her daughter. Mum reiterated this conversation to me and said that of course it didn't matter and that she would get plenty of help from her. It really hurt me because this was when DS was a week old and we'd had a really difficult time with feeding which I'd told her about and she'd not even called during that week to see how we were getting on, let alone offer any advice. She only called to cancel times we'd arranged for them to visit!

She is interested in DS when I bring him to her house, she just doesn't want to drive here to see him.

[InvisableLobstee]

How much help she gives is really up to her but what I think is bad is that she has made so little effort to visit and never even rings you.

[newmum7369]

How do I link to my other thread?

[Underthemoonlight]

To be honest it's your child not your mums. I don't understand what help you really need. My dm would be there on hand for advice but she took a step back and allowed us to be a family unit. You have threads on here of people wanting time alone and no visitors for a certain period of time. I can understand if it has been months but it's only been weeks.Sounds like there's a lot of expections from your dm from you and sil

[CPtart]

I never understand what all this "help" is people get or expect. There are two presumably healthy adults. One healthy baby. Get on with it.
Lack of interest and favouritism is another matter. Tons of first hand experience with that in similar circumstances. That won't change.

[newmum7369]

Yes you're quite right and I should have phrased that differently. Instead of help I mean showing an interest in the child.