To think nursery isn't *better* for children?

[Anon8604]

I'm part of an NCT group, all of the babies are around a year old. Parents have made a variety of decisions about work and childcare, some back to work full time, some part time and some not returning to work. The babies whose parents are working are all in nursery for between 3 and 5 days a week.

Lately there have been lots of conversations about how the babies are getting on at nursery. Obviously it's great that they are mostly settling in well, but I've felt like some of the comments have bordered on implying that nursery is better than staying at home. FWIW, I think different choices work for different families, not that one is better than the other.

The comments have been stuff like:

"She does so many activities at nursery, way more than you could ever do at home. It's really good for her development, I think she'd miss out on stuff if I kept her at home."

"It's better for them to socialise at an early age. You could always tell the school kids who didn't go to nursery cause they'd stand around at break times on their own."

"Her language is streets ahead compared to a couple of months ago, there's no way she'd have come on so much without nursery."

"It's really hard settling them in, but having an example of a working mum is worth it. I want them to know you have to work for things in life."

AIBU to think they're being a bit judgemental about the people who've chosen to stay home? I feel like if someone said something comparable about staying at home (like they think their child does better with one to one attention or something) then it'd be seen as judging those who are choosing to use a nursery, but somehow criticising people who aren't using nursery seems to be more acceptable?

[PsychoPumpkin]

Sometimes I wonder what they did before nursery. Surely not all kids were 'behind', not having socialised daily with their peers?

[geekone]

Don't take it personally it's guilt. I said all of the same things but I didn't do it to insult my sahm friends. I didn't even realise it was guilt but it made me feel better and for what it's worth my son loved nursery and I liked being back at work part time so I shouldn't have felt any guilt but hey ho.
Really it's not about you or your child.

[PickAChew]

Goady much?

Not everyone can afford to not go back to work. Given that fathers don't readily endure the same enforced career break, I am sure that working mothers will want to be sure that their kids are well nurtured as well as well fed and well housed.

[SparklyLeprechaun]

They are simply expressing an opinion and justifying their choice. I don't understand why you've got a problem with that? Not everyone sends their DC to nursery because they've got no choice, some people truly believe it's a better option than a childminder or sahp.

[SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower]

Meh. Depends on circumstances, doesn't it. Nursery is great for my 3yo - he's delayed and they do way more with him than I could, and he gets way more interaction with other kids his age than I could facilitate. He'll find the transition to school easier too, I reckon.

BUT - he's 3. These arguments are meanness at anything much younger than that.

Tbh if sounds like they feel a need to justify sending their child to nursery. You sound judgemental about them using a nursery, and maybe they feel judged.

FWIW - our NCT group split when the kids were this age. The SAHM's judged the WOHMs and it all got very petty and stupid. I was in the middle of it all as a part timer, but mostly the women who carried on working felt judged by the ones who chose to stay at home.

[ExplodedCloud]

Everyone will try to do tbeir best. Nobody is going to say at 6 months in (particularly with NCT) omg I have fucked up and damaged my child for life!!!
And realistically very few childcare places will do a bad job.

[Anon8604]

Thanks geek, that's a really useful perspective to hear. It's a shame how we all seem to end up feeling guilty about the choices we make as parents, even when they're clearly the right decisions for us.

Pick, not goady at all. I wanted to hear others perspectives. And as I said in my post, I think different choices work for different families, not that one choice is better than another.

[Theymisheardme]

Not everyone can afford to not go back to work and not everyone can afford to go back.

OP if it upsets you mention it gently. Given I don't think it's personal against you and yours, I'm sure they'll hate to feel they've upset you.

What do you normally say during these conversations? You could point out that that's what you hope to get by going to playgroup or that they'll have to tell you what activities they've been doing at nursery so you can do them at home

[arethereanyleftatall]

Even though I was a sahp, I do think nursery is better development wise for the child. But little ones need other things too, which a sahp is better placed to give. Swings and roundabouts. People are always going to justify their choice.

[Groupie123]

It's an opinion. Get over it. Am sure you must have accidentally slipped out some clangers about stah parenting too. Parents like to defend their parenting choices.

[Anon8604]

they, I've just kept quiet so far as I don't want to contribute to there being any kind of conflict or divide between people based on their decisions about childcare. One of the SAHMs did look a bit upset last time it came up so I might see how she feels about it before mentioning something to the group. It's such a nice supportive group that I would hate this to become an issue. I'll definitely ask them to share activities their babies are doing at nursery though - hopefully a nice way to find common ground and will give me some new play ideas.

[MakeMeAFloozy]

I don't think its about working or not working. I recently started a thread because I was fed up of other stahps making me feel crap for not sending my kids to nursery as soon as they turned eligible. Its as if choice isn't allowed.

[MadamePomfrey]

Bottle feeding vs breast
Baby lead weaning vs not
All the methods of sleep training
Nursery vs SAHP
The list could go on. There are so many ways to raise a child. Every child is different so is every family/parent ect. Everyone has to find thier own way for their circumstances. All comparing dose it make others feel shit!!
That said I don't think these parents mean to make others feel bad but if it bothers you I would stick to something like 'I'm glad x is doing well. It's great there are so many options open to us all and all the kids are thriving.' Then subject change.

[SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower]

Keeping quiet is probably the best course.. Other than to diffuse or mediate.

Taking ideas from nursery for activities is a great plan

[Anon8604]

Groupie, I've actually always tried to be careful over anything I say about this because I know for some of my friends it was a difficult decision (both those who have returned to work and who've stayed at home) and I'd hate to accidentally say something that upset them.

[HappyPixie]

I suspect guilt, too.

Everyone knows about studies like this: www.theguardian.com/society/2005/oct/02/childrensservices.familyandrelationships

Even if one size never fits all for whatever reason.

[CorbynsBumFlannel]

If you look at research it shows that kids do best when they have 1-1 care before the age of 3 be that with a parent, grandparent or nanny.
The only kids that do better in nursery are those who have bad circumstances at home. Hence the 2 year places being offered in deprived areas/if you meet certain criteria.
Infants don't need endless activities. The single best resource they can have is as much interaction with a responsive adult as possible.
I agree with what a pp has said that the comments you are hearing are down to guilt. Just nod and smile is my advice.

[WowThatsDifferent]

Guilt! I hear this all the time too. Your child isn't missing out. Funny how there's no "Breast is best" type campaign about keeping your child at home with you, as it seems a pretty natural thing to do (and like breast feeding, that's if you're lucky enough to be able to).

[SerfTerf]

Don't take it personally it's guilt.

This!

[HappyPixie]

According to the research I posted above (I hadn't heard this before), a parent is better than a nanny/ childminder and a nanny/childminder is better than a grandparent of relatives. I was quite surprised as I'd happily handed my kids over to my mum thinking it was basically the same as them being with me or DP.

[fleecyjumper]

I agree with other posters who say that it is guilt and they are trying to justify sending the baby to nursery when they would prefer to stay at home with the baby. They might not even realise that is what they are doing. I did it myself.

[SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower]

I wish women didn't feel so much guilt about continuing to work.

[Anon8604]

Thanks for the replies everyone, I feel like I understand these comments a lot better now. I do think at least some of the group feel guilty about working (not that they should) and these remarks make a lot more sense to me in that context.

I think I'll avoid saying anything for now (other than asking about activities) and hopefully our group will manage to all stay on good terms despite our different choices.

[Theycalledmethewildrose]

I agree it is guilt. I've seen it many times over.

I wouldn't get into an argument but likewise wouldn't nod and agree either.

The thing is that there will come a time when both you and the other mum would happily trade places. The grass is always greener.

[SilverBirchTree]

I think your expectation that other parents should consistently affirm your choices and parenting is unreasonable.