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AIBU?

DH won't socialise with my friends without an argument

118 replies

NaymeChaynge · 27/07/2017 09:18

DH is great in many ways but IMO quite selfish in others and I genuinely don't know if this is something most people would be ok with or not.

We live in DHs home town and met here as I had relocated here from a small town in Wales where I am from for work. My family and closest friends still live in that small town and I miss them a lot. One of them is having a 40th birthday next weekend so it will be 8 couples in total and DH knows them all. They all make a huge effort with him but he bitches and moans about most of them to me which really upsets me as they mean a lot to me. He's told me he won't go to the 40th unless I force him because he doesn't want to spend his weekend travelling there.

Fair enough it's a long ish journey (3 hours each way) but he's known about this for about two months and I've said how much I want him to go. He would never commit either way. It's the "I won't go unless you force me" that pisses me off. There's no point demanding he goes as he will have a face like a slapped arse the whole time but I don't want to go and sit there with all my friends and make excuses for him I want him to be part of the group.

I've told him I won't go so he's not coming and I'll have to make up some reason. AIBU to be annoyed or is this normal and fine for him to bail on this?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 27/07/2017 09:21

Please go by yourself and have fun.

DownUdderer · 27/07/2017 09:22

Mmm I'm torn. I wouldn't want to be 'forced' into a social thing with dh's mates. I'd hate it in fact. I'd rather he went by himself.

But your dh does sound like an arse with his bad mouthing your friends.

NaymeChaynge · 27/07/2017 09:22

I wish he could understand that my friends and family live hundreds of miles away and it's hard for me to see them and he should make an effort and put a smile on his face- not do everything under duress and act like I owe him one for his turning up to something.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 27/07/2017 09:23

Go without him. Absolutely do not let the fact that he is being an arsehole stop you from going. Otherwise he is isolating you from your friends and family - sounds like that's what he wants. But is it what you want?

defineme · 27/07/2017 09:23

Firstly, go on your own, excuses aren't hard and better than him being an arse all weekend.
Secondly, is he like this with all your friends? Is he controlling? In what other ways is he selfish?
Lastly, what's good about your relationship? How does he demostrate his love, care and support for you?

NaymeChaynge · 27/07/2017 09:23

There's no way I'm not going- I'll go. It's just that everyone else is with their husband or fiancé and I'll be there on my own whilst he sits at home in his pants.

OP posts:
araiwa · 27/07/2017 09:23

Do you think it is acceptable to force an adult to travel a long way to spend a weekend with people they dont like?

Nikephorus · 27/07/2017 09:25

Maybe he genuinely doesn't like them? Just because you like someone doesn't mean he has to and vice versa. Go on your own & enjoy it rather than dragging him along and not.

HerOtherHalf · 27/07/2017 09:26

It's very common for abusively controlling partners to isolate their victim partner by cutting them off from their friends and family over time. Be warned OP.

MaidOfStars · 27/07/2017 09:26

My husband only socialises with my friends to keep up appearances. He's far happier in his own company and, occasionally, mine Wink

He likes them all, a lot in some cases. He just doesn't like socialising in groups.

But a gathering for a friend's 40th is a 'keeping up appearances' occasion.

So YANBU to be annoyed. I don't know why you wouldn't go by yourself though?

Perfectly1mperfect · 27/07/2017 09:26

He is being selfish. He should go to the party and make an effort. They make an effort with him, its important to you, he would be spending time with you so he should be happy whilst there.

Is he jealous of you having a group of friends maybe ?

I would go without him, tell everyone the truth and also speak to him about the fact this is important to you. I actually know someone, a close relative, who is like this to his wife and has been like it with previous partners. He is quite a controlling and jealous person. xx

Fishface77 · 27/07/2017 09:26

So you've moved 3 hours away from your family and friends for him but he can't spend a weekend with your friends without an argument?
He sounds like a cunt. Any redeeming features?

Gileswithachainsaw · 27/07/2017 09:27

Are the other husband's and wives all friends though.

Having to go everywhere as a couple unless they are actually all friends is a bit weird tbh

araiwa · 27/07/2017 09:28

Fishface- try actually reading the op before you start calling people cunts Confused

Gileswithachainsaw · 27/07/2017 09:28

He is not U not to want to go but he is being an arse about it which is more of a problem than him.not wanting to go

Imbeingunreasonable · 27/07/2017 09:29

OP, if he knows your friends, what was he like when he first met them? Is there a particular reason he does like them?

I agree that he shouldn't have to endure your friends company if he doesn't like them. But I think he should do you the courtesy of at least making an effort for your friends special occasion. If you can perhaps ascertain what it is he doesn't like about your friends you may be able to find a solution - not really sure though.

If he really doesn't want to go, you should go on your own and catch uk with your friends and family. If they ask where he is just say he's a sulky miserable arse who didn't want to come. The next time an event comes up, don't even bother mentioning it to him, just go by yourself. Don't give him the option of being there or not if he's going to make you feel bad for it

Helbelle75 · 27/07/2017 09:29

I was with someone like this for 10 years. Whenever my family and friends would come round, he'd sit upstairs. I always had to go to social events on my own and I felt like I was single. There were other issues, and eventually I left him. I am now with someone who is sociable, friendly and hugely considerate and realise just how wrong that previous relationship was for me.
Go to the party, enjoy yourself and don't make excuses for him.

Trollspoopglitter · 27/07/2017 09:30

What effort does he expect you to make with his family and friends? I'd be outlining just what events I'd be refusing to attend in the future for his benefit. It's not tit for tat, it's give and take.

That said, he genuinely may not care if you don't accompany him to his stuff and doesn't understand why it's important to you he does accompany you.

Imbeingunreasonable · 27/07/2017 09:30

Doesn't*

Catch up*

Ffs! Grin

Bluntness100 · 27/07/2017 09:34

Agree, when it's an important social event for a friend usually partners support each other. You might not fancy it but you'd plaster a smile on and go and not make your partner feel shit.

Go and don't let him try to distance you from your friends.

worridmum · 27/07/2017 09:35

I would hate to have to go to socialise with my DH friends not because i don't like them simply because they are not my friends.

No adult should be forced or guilt tripped into soicilizing with people they dont want to.

But your DH is being a dick about it a simple i dont want to go would be enough

NaymeChaynge · 27/07/2017 09:35

He is using an example of when I didn't go to an event with him as an excuse but that was something he sprung on me as I was driving home from a 12 hour shift: "I forgot it's X birthday tonight I have to go are you coming with?" I was working early the next day and said I couldn't I was too tired. He has known about this for two months.

The reason he doesn't really like my friends is he says he has nothing in common with them, there's no massive dislike there and they think they get on with him really well he will just say things to me that he has no common ground with them when we are at home by ourselves. I do things with his friends and family a lot but they all live very locally.

OP posts:

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DanHumphreyIsA · 27/07/2017 09:38

Unless OP also worked for DH, I don't think it sounds like she moved for him..
OP, youve said both that you are going and aren't, so i'm a bit confused but anyway, you'll have a better time without someone who doesn't want to be there.
Does he actually give a reason for not liking them? Or just generally bitching?

Personally, I would just stop inviting him, and that will likely save a lot of aggro. It will also show you whether he is actually trying to cut you off (if he starts kicking off, in the future about you going but not inviting him, when you know he doesn't want to go iyswim)

KimmySchmidt1 · 27/07/2017 09:38

Just go by yourself - use a bit of psychology. If he feels forced by you he gets to feel important, like you cant cope with out him, and are pathetically needy, but he also gets to mope about being derogatory and feeling superior to your friends.

If you stop playing his game, and go by yourself, he feels left behind, worries about you having a great time without him, and sits on his own at home feeling like a gimp.

Relationships are about a balance of power - if one person is too subservient it doesn't work. So be a bit more independent and you will find you are both much happier and settled..

Nobody likes all their DH's friends (I dont) and no DH likes all our friends. You havent married a siamese twin, so just remember you dont need to be totally aligned for the next 40 years to be married.

He will come round if you leave him out anyway - it will take some time but he will.

DJBaggySmalls · 27/07/2017 09:39

He could not go without spending hours slagging off your friends first. You put in an effort for him and he isnt prepared to. Just tell him to quit with the bellyaching about it.

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