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AIBU?

work drama

19 replies

buddhasbelly · 26/07/2017 16:57

having a bit of a tough situation and struggling a bit on what to do.

a few weeks ago a colleague, who is also a close friend, told me she kissed a married colleague in our work, in a place that is off limits for staff due to H&S.

I was a bit erm about it, wasn't judging her but he is a bit of a sleeze. She had been going through a really tough time and I felt like he was taking advantage of her and her frame of mind at the time.

I asked her if he was married and the response was (i'm paraphrasing) "not my problem" - as she didn't really confirm either way, I asked another colleague who confirmed he is. Where I fucked up is I told my other colleague what happened. I didn't want someone who was a close friend to be taken advantage of but I understand she's an adult.

Thereafter I pretty much forgot about it, but time and again when this guy was around me he would say things like "oh someones in a mood with me" (because I just didn't engage with him or make small talk, I dont really like his morals and didn't need to for work purposes so didn't see the need to) and asking if I wanted to go on a walk with him. Just generally weird and suggestive things. It confirmed to me that the guy is a total waste of space.

This guy has obviously now said something to my friend/colleague as she pulled me aside and asked me today (in still a public part of the office) if a) i had been rude to him and b) if i had told anyone.

I said that I just didn't engage with him and that yes I had told someone because I was concerned that he was taking advantage.

She has pretty much lost the head with me, saying that I'm ruining her reputation, gossiping and broken her trust. She has been a good friend to me and now I don't know what to do.

Thanks sorry for the length!

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Lauraagh · 26/07/2017 16:59

I think your mistake was telling the other colleague,she told you In confidence.
You were worried but she might assume your being a gossip

buddhasbelly · 26/07/2017 17:04

Thanks for your reply Lauraagh - yes I agree I shouldn't have told anyone. Had it happened outside of work I wouldn't have, as it was, it was at her leaving time and I was just sitting there a bit like wtf?

I'm not good in situations like this and really just wish I didn't know. I spoke to the other colleague who confirmed that what I said came across as concern, not as a gossip at all.

The guy is either known to be lovely and charming to some and as a complete sleaze to others. I was in camp A before as had only ever chatted briefly so i was a bit taken aback that he did this with my friend.

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Lauraagh · 26/07/2017 17:08

I'm sure if you give it time she will be fine with you,she put you in a difficult situation by telling you to begin with.
Hopefully it will blow over quickly.

Emmeline123 · 26/07/2017 17:14

It doesn't matter what your purpose was in telling someone else - it sounds like that someone told someone who told someone who told someone.

My personal view is:

You were wrong. She trusted you with the information. You betrayed her trust. I personally would not trust you again.

Most people are unable to keep secrets. I don't generally tell people things that I could not cope with them telling someone else.

buddhasbelly · 26/07/2017 17:18

Thanks Lauraagh

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buddhasbelly · 26/07/2017 17:21

it hasn't gone any further emmeline - the guy confronted her and said "buddha is being really off with me" - I then said to her I had told someone else.

When she originally told me it was in a jokey sort of way, not a keep this to yourself way, if that makes sense? Although I do understand she probably didn't want the information to go any further.

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Sprinklestar · 26/07/2017 17:27

The thing is, it's not like you lied, is it? She's obviously embarrassed and taking it out on you.

misshelena · 26/07/2017 17:29

Why are you so judgey about him but not about her? She is the one who "not my problem" her way into someone else's marriage!

Also, how do you know "it hasn't gone any further"? Just tell your friend that you didn't know it was supposed to be a secret because she didn't tell you not to tell.

unfortunateevents · 26/07/2017 17:30

it hasn't gone any further emmeline - you really have no idea how far it may have gone. All you know is that YOU told one person, who probably told one other, who told two etc etc. What they did is not good but your mistake in the situation was telling anyone.

AllTheWittyNamesAreGone · 26/07/2017 17:34

Well you did gossip and break her trust.
All you can do is apologize but she can choose not accept it.

Jaxhog · 26/07/2017 17:40

It probably wasn't a good idea to tell someone else. But unless she told you not to say anything, it wasn't exactly a secret. Btw, she's ruining her own reputation. My guess is other people will probably have already noticed if it's more than a one-time snog. Hard to keep these things secret in an office.

PS. It is ALWAYS the married person at fault. They have the contract, not 'the other woman'. Unless you subscribe to the 'men have no control' philosophy.

Bluntness100 · 26/07/2017 17:48

Why would you think he was taking advantage? I'm assuming she's an adult woman and without learning difficulties, and she sounds like she is able to handle herself. If you were concerned she was being taken advantage of, why did you not speak to her about it, instead of going to a colleague?

I'm sorry but it sounds like you've dressed up gossip and jealousy as concern. You must have known she didn't want others to know.

I'm sorry but you haven't been a good friend to her. All you can do is apologise but I honestly doubt she will trust you again, and I doubt others involved or aware will either.

toosexyforyahshirt · 26/07/2017 17:52

Well you gossiped about her, you're judgey about him and patronising about her....and you're surprised she's pissed off with you? Are not terribly socially aware?

buddhasbelly · 26/07/2017 17:55

Thanks all, yes I agree with other PPs that I shouldve just confronted her, if at all, and just left it at that. I'm neither of the two in the situation.

Thanks for the outside perspective

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buddhasbelly · 26/07/2017 17:57

I thought she was being taken advantage of as she has gone through a lot recently and hasn't been making choices that she would ordinarily make, but I guess that's just my opinion.

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schoolgaterebel · 26/07/2017 18:00

All you can do is acknowledge you made a mistake, and apologise. Reiterate to her that you did not mean to gossip but what you told your colleague was the truth.

buddhasbelly · 26/07/2017 18:00

yes toosexy i do judge married men that feel it ok to snog other women

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toosexyforyahshirt · 26/07/2017 18:06

but you don't judge women who think its ok to snog married men in forbidden places at work? That's just fine with you?

buddhasbelly · 26/07/2017 18:19

i'd judge the person (man/women) who is married, and how i felt they may have treated my friend but I accept i personalised the situation. Thanks again for the replies

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