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AIBU?

AIBU re day off nursery

45 replies

HalfanHalf · 26/07/2017 13:36

ExP pays minimum amount of maintenance (calculated by the CMS). The weekly amount he pays would only cover the cost of one day a week at nursery, nothing else. We both work (him full time , me part time) so DS is in nursery for 4 days a week. My wage alone would barely cover the monthly cost of nursery but I am very lucky to have a DP who happily pays the fees for his DSS.

ExP has asked to take DS out of nursery as a one off for a day out - I have asked if he would be willing to go halves on the nursery fee for that day as nursery will still expect to be paid the full amount even though DS would not be there. I thought this was a fair compromise.

ExP has refused and said he will just have him the one day of the weekend he normally does, rather than the weekday.

Who is BU? I feel sad that my DS will miss out on a day out but equally he loves nursery, he wont know any different and he may as well be there if we've to pay for it - ExP can't want to take him that much if he won't contribute an extra £20 as a one off!?

OP posts:

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RedSkyAtNight · 26/07/2017 13:43

Sorry, but I think you are BU.
Presumably you've budgeted to pay for nursery in your normal way, ex-H taking DS out of nursery makes no odds really - it doesn't affect your costs in any way. It will presumably cost ex-H to look after him for the day?

RelaxMax · 26/07/2017 13:46

Sorry yabu. Your costs aren't affected by DS taking that day off. Your ex'a costs will be increased by looking after DS for that day. I wouldn't expect him to contribute to the nursery fee.

HalfanHalf · 26/07/2017 13:54

I suppose my argument is that the split of the cost of nursery fees is already so uneven that I thought it'd only be fair if he wanted to take him out that he contribute.

I can see your points that our costs would remain the same but we pay for him to be there, eating well, learning, playing with his friends etc.

I just found it quite sad that ExP wasn't willing to compromise in order to take DS out for the day. I can't imagine if he had to foot most of the costs of childcare he'd be happy to pay £40 for him not to attend.

OP posts:

Pengggwn · 26/07/2017 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ParadiseCity · 26/07/2017 14:54

I don't think yabu. He is taking the piss as it is.

Needsomeflapjacks · 26/07/2017 14:56

He should pay all the fees not let your dp pay. .

Lauren1983 · 26/07/2017 14:59

Needsomeflapjacks is right.

What a great father he is being happy to let another man pay for his son's nursery fees. Tell him to jog on.

Babbitywabbit · 26/07/2017 15:00

If you're not happy with the amount he contributes that's a separate issue. I don't see the point of making him pay more than he usually does for one nursery day that he'll be taking ds out. If you feel that strongly then why aren't you pushing him to pay more every month?

We need more info to really know whether he's being unreasonable though. Does he work full time? Does he have other dependants? If he already works full time, could you up your hours and cover more nursery costs?

lmer · 26/07/2017 15:04

I think yabu tbh, if he put you in a situation where you'd be needing an extra day then that may of been different but it isn't actually going to cost you anything extra if he took him out for a day

HalfanHalf · 26/07/2017 15:14

Babbitywabbit - I have tried in the past to discuss and have been told that he would give me more but it was my choice to go through CMS so it's my fault he only pays bare minimum and that "he's sick of me asking for more money". It's not as though I'm asking him every week for anything - this was the only discussion we'd had and it was regarding his sons childcare costs. It's all well and good saying he would do - and I take from this that he still could contribute more, but chooses not to.

As said in the opening post, he works full time. He doesn't have any other dependants. If I upped my hours I'd just have to cover the costs of another day at nursery so not sure how that would help?

OP posts:

ittooshallpass · 26/07/2017 15:21

I feel your pain. My ex does this all the time. I have wasted so much money over the years on childcare that hasn't been used or has had to be booked at last minute as ex decides he can't have DD on an agreed date after all.

You have done the right thing. if he wants to have DS for a day out, plan ahead so it doesn't impact on anyone else. Particularly those who will be out of pocket.

Allthewaves · 26/07/2017 15:25

Yabu it's ds who is going to loose out on time with his dad. Money is irritating and unfair but I would let your ex take him out for the day

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/07/2017 15:28

The real shit here is that with him working full time and you working part time, we have a system that means that together you can't afford nursery for one child. Low pay, lack of affordable childcare and a stupid CM system. Utterly dreadful.

PinkHeart5911 · 26/07/2017 15:38

As a one off taking him out for the day, then as you would of budgeted for nursery fess anyway I see no reason not to allow it.

HalfanHalf · 26/07/2017 15:45

Allthewaves - He's not because he was swapping his weekend day to a week day - he didn't want extra time with him just a different day. He has said he'll see him at the weekend as normal. I absolutely will not be put in the same bracket as mothers who use their children/prevent them from seeing their parent. DS sees his dad when ExP says so - he regularly sees him one day/overnight stay a weekend but has cancelled numerous mid week visits.

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HalfanHalf · 26/07/2017 15:47

Thanks to those that have agreed with me - obviously I can see it from both points of view and as said I feel sad that DS won't go on the day out but I don't see it as me stopping him - ExP could have agreed to compromise and the day out would have gone ahead - his choice not to pay and therefore not to take him.

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Pengggwn · 26/07/2017 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

abbsisspartacus · 26/07/2017 16:48

He is only in four days why can't he take him on the day off

Jaxhog · 26/07/2017 16:51

The only thing that really matters is whether your son would enjoy/benefit from an extra day with exP. Was he planning to take your son somewhere special?

HalfanHalf · 26/07/2017 17:54

Pengggwn - what's the problem? Didn't want those message to go unacknowledged? It's reassuring to know that there's some people in agreement.

Jaxhog - it wouldn't an extra day, it would be swapping from the weekend day to a week day. I have no idea where he was going to take him. I very rarely get any information from ExP.

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Muddlingalongalone · 26/07/2017 18:04

It's annoying, and CMS minimum doesn't even go anywhere near covering childcare costs but as a one-off I would let him and enjoy an extra day at the weekend with your ds.
I tend to think of nursery as a sunk cost because once it's paid it's paid and you need to retain the place anyway.
Would you resent having paid if you chose to take him out yourself? I don't do it that often with Dd2 because I need work hols to cover Dd1's school hols but I used to do it with dd1 a few times a year.

JessieDoops · 26/07/2017 18:04

I don't think yabu. He already doesn't contribute very much and obviously doesn't want to see his son that much if he can't give the £20 nursery fee. I think you were very fair

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HalfanHalf · 26/07/2017 18:18

Muddlingalongalone - you're right nowhere near enough - a weekly payment covers just about a day! But I suppose that will balance out as his weekly payment won't change when nursery fees have ended.

I don't resent having to pay nursery, his nursery is fab and he loves it - I would take him out for a holiday but as I see it that's us footing those nursery fees/spending our money as we choose - whereas this scenario is ExP still expecting us to foot the full bill even though it's for something he wants to do. Plus I only asked for half as I was trying to compromise - I could have asked for the full amount!

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Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 26/07/2017 18:26

What does your dp think?

I must say you are a better person than me. I would have told ex I would have to check with DP as he paid 3/4 of the nursery fees, and he might not want them to be wasted.

I'd be so ashamed if dh and I split and another woman was paying for my dc child care, especially if it was because I didn't want to pay and had to be forced through CSA.
I think that's why he's refused to pay, he sees your ds as yours and dp's to raise and pay for, and for him to play with when he feels like it.

Muddlingalongalone · 26/07/2017 18:29

Oh Yadnbu but battles and wars and all that. I'd let it go.
If he starts to take the piss and do it all the time (or you think he might) then make crystal clear in writing it's a one-off.

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