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AIBU?

To ask your advice/thoughts on carrying on after 2 miscarriages

61 replies

anxiouscrazycatlady · 26/07/2017 10:27

I've had two missed miscarriages this year and feeling utterly deflated. Both times it's been around the 8 week mark and I've had an ERPC both times as well. In my worrier mind I think it's something wrong with me as the exact same thing has happened both times at the same point, so very very wary of trying again. I've ordered It Started With an Egg (although have heard mixed reviews of this) and we plan to have a couple of months off to (try to) relax and work out what we do next.
Right now my thoughts are to go to an adoption information evening to see if that would be something we would be interested. Alternatively we could just keep trying until I have a potential 3rd miscarriage and then get tests done. Or we could pay for private tests now, but I've spoken to a number of doctors about this already and they basically say it's a waste of time and often nothing is found and "it's just one of those things."
Or we could accept that maybe children aren't meant to be for us. I remember reading a thread on here a little while ago about if people were happy without children but I couldn't find it.
Has anyone experienced anything similar or just want to give me your general thoughts on keeping trying/adoption/choosing not to have children??

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ambereeree · 26/07/2017 10:29

Flowers I'm sorry for your losses. How old are you OP? Lots of people have multiple miscarriages and go on to have healthy children. Don't give up hope.

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aaaaargghhhhelpme · 26/07/2017 10:34

Oh I'm so sorry Flowers

I've had a missed miscarriage. It's just awful. Hope you have some rl support with you right now.

Yes it's frustrating that they don't test until three. But they estimate one in three pregnancies end in miscarriage - and as its so common unless you have three they just assume it's one of those things (as awful as that is Sad)

My advice would not to give up hope just yet. As disheartening as it is. Keep taking folic acid etc and when you feel ready try again.

I had three miscarriages before dc2. We were having tests when I fell pregnant. The tests came back with nothing - there was no reason for any of my miscarriages. I find that hard to deal with sometimes. But I just wanted to offer hope at the end of the tunnel Flowers

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justkeepswimmingg · 26/07/2017 10:38

Hi OP. Sorry to hear you are going through this. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I've had 7 miscarriages, over a 5 year period, and a stillbirth. I now have a 2 year old DS, and I'm currently expecting another DS. In my case we had tests to investigate, and the results showed I had an under active thyroid and low progesterone (so hormonal issues). I will always need help conceiving and maintaining a pregnancy. Don't give up hope, but yes taking a few months off to relax is a great idea. You should push for testing to be done now, due to your need of having ERPC for both miscarriages, I'm surprised they haven't already run some tests. Keeping my fingers crossed for you Flowers.

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Spuddington · 26/07/2017 10:40

I'm sorry OP.

I had five miscarriages before DD. Six and I would have stopped, honestly, but I did have lots of tests.

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AgainPlease · 26/07/2017 10:47

I've had 4 rounds of self funded IVF that have caused us financial hardship and a marriage on the rocks:
1st one I lost my son at 20 weeks after going in to premature labour
2nd failed
3rd MMC at 9 weeks
4th currently pregnant

This is all on top of trying naturally for 18 months.

Do you have any fertility issues? Have you been referred to a recurrent miscarriage clinic?

Plenty of women have 1,2,3 or more miscarriages before a healthy baby arrives at full term.

It sucks but until you have something to worry about, try not to worry Flowers

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IlonaRN · 26/07/2017 11:08

Keep trying!

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anxiouscrazycatlady · 26/07/2017 11:11

Oh my goodness, you poor ladies :( I honestly don't know how you all keep going, but fingers crossed things carry on going well for you.
I'm 30 so know I have plenty of time. I'm one of those very impatient people, so I want to know what's wrong right now and the idea of waiting and then for this still to keep happening terrifies me.
It also doesn't help that I'm surrounded by friends giving birth to their 2nd and 3rd children, with no problems. I think I'm just wallowing a bit in self pity, which is awful. I just feel very lost. Thank you so much for all your replies xx

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Picoloangel · 26/07/2017 11:12

So sorry OP, I have been in your shoes and it is utterly heartbreaking. After missed MC number 2 we decided to go to St Mary's Paddington who have a recurrent MC clinic. I had a number of tests and long story short had to take 1/2 an aspirin in future pregnancy, Time was a big factor for me but by some bloody miracle I have a DD (now 6) who was born when I was 45!

Whilst no clinic can prevent a "normal" MC tests can prevent many forms of MC.

MC is a loss like no other and I can well understand your anxiety about trying again but it could be coincidence or it could be something v treatable. The support offered at the Clinic I attended was unbelievable, particularly as pregnancy is so anxiety provoking for those who have suffered pregnancy loss.

It is an NHS clinic but you have to pay if you've had less than 3 MC. I wish you all the luck in the world. Do PM me if you want more info. Professor Regan's book is worth a read. Once again I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Flowers

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ToastMarketingBoard · 26/07/2017 11:13

Sorry to hear of your losses, OP. I had a similar experience a few years ago, although my miscarriages weren't missed. Two miscarriages in quick succession (one in March, one in June) made me really question whether there was something wrong with me, but like you, they wouldn't class it as recurrent miscarriage and do tests until we had three in a row. The nurse at the early pregnancy unit suggested giving my body a month or two off to recover, which we did, conceived again and had a healthy baby boy the following June. While I was still quite anxious for the first trimester, I weirdly found some comfort in the statistics- until I had one, I had no idea just how common miscarriages were, and it helped me to see it as something that could happen to anyone rather than something specific to me, iyswim. I also found out that two couples in our friendship group had miscarried in that past year, one just after my second miscarriage. We all went on to have babies straight after.

DS1 has just turned 6yo, and I now also have a 4mo DS. I did worry about the same thing happening again but all was well.

Taking some time to relax and think about your next steps is a great idea. Please don't be too discouraged, I hope that mine and PP's experiences give you hope and reassurance.

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SleepFreeZone · 26/07/2017 11:17

I had three miscarriages in between my two children. I'm now pregnant again at 42. There are lots of hopeful stories out there. Definitely do the testing , it's not a waste of time.

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Loopytiles · 26/07/2017 11:17

Very sorry OP. Have been there (long story, now thankfully have 2DC!)

I recommend prof lesley regan's book on miscarriage.

Hopefully if you ttc again all will be well, but if not and you're referred for tests or decide to pay for them please investigate good clinics: they are not all equal. I had poor service from a clinic in a large London teaching hospital and much better investigations at St Mary's, which in my case I paid for. The genetic tests (both partners) are among the costliest so good to get those on the NHS if (hopefully not) you do have a third mc.

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Loopytiles · 26/07/2017 11:18

Neither clinic I attended recommended testing before 3mcs unless also other factors (health issues etc).

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Loopytiles · 26/07/2017 11:19

Also worth considering seeking psychological support for yourself if you become low / anxious. I found this really useful and wish had accessed this kind of help sooner.

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ElbowArse · 26/07/2017 11:23

I'm so sorry for your losses. After having my first child I had 4 x miscarriages in a row over about 12 months and it really took me to the brink. We were tested after the third one and no issues found. Trying again was torture and if I'd have had a fifth miscarriage I don't think I could have coped; luckily I had a successful pregnancy.

It's worth remembering that even after 3 miscarriages some 75% of women will go on to have a successful pregnancy in the next 2 years. I know many women who've had two in a row and then no problems. Do keep talking about it, one of the worst things about miscarriage is how taboo it is to talk about it and we all need to work together to change that. For about a third of couples with recurrent miscarriages they find no problem, so even getting the tests doesn't necessarily solve things. The best advice I had was to keep trying whilst the desire to have a baby outweighed my fear of losing one.

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SparklyLeprechaun · 26/07/2017 11:24

I had 2 miscarriages before I went on to have my 2 children - easy pregnancies, no problems, it was just one of those things. At the time it felt like the end of the world so I do understand what you're going through. I hope it all goes well for you, miscarriages are really common (don't shoot me, I hated having this said to me, but it is true) and sometimes there's no rhyme or reason to it. Flowers

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Ginmakesitallok · 26/07/2017 11:26

I had 2 mcs before dd2 - mc is Shit, really shit Flowers but keep going x

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Loopytiles · 26/07/2017 11:26

Agree that there is a taboo, but I found talking about it didn't help much because friends and family so very often said some dreadful things! There is good info on the mc association website on what NOT to say!

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Frazzled2207 · 26/07/2017 11:29

So sorry for your losses. Please don't give up. A friend of mine had five in a row, the last two while being investigated. No cause ever found just exceptionally unlucky. Anyway she then had three successful pregnancies in 4 years!

I haven't had a miscarriage but had all kids of difficulties ttc. Eventually had dc1 and then got pregnant with dc2 very soon after.
Again, no cause found. I do think that a borderline dicky thyroid was partly responsible however, as I got pregnant soon after starting treatment for this started.
Lots of women have this so worth asking for a blood test to rule it out.

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Loopytiles · 26/07/2017 11:29

That said, after DH talking about it with other men at the time, several friends talked to him later, sometimes years later, about fertility issues and how this was affecting them, and he was able to try and offer support. One of those had male factor infertility, had two DC after his DW had lots of treatment, then had an unexpected DC3 and is now a SAHD!

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ghostyslovesheets · 26/07/2017 11:30

I'm sorry for your losses

I had 1 MC at 32 before having DD1
1 at 33 before having DD2

I then had 3 in succession at 37 before having DD3

I was so desperate for a 3rd but I would have gone down the investigation route if I had lost DD3

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Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 26/07/2017 11:31

I had three miscarriages in our first year of marriage. It destroyed me. The NHS were absolutely useless, offered contradicting advice depending on who you spoke to and the recurrent miscarriage clinic I thought I'd been referred to was actually an IVF clinic and when I called to check the appointment had been made in the right place the receptionist's answer was 'with all due respect why have you been referred to an IVF clinic if you can get pregnant?'

Mentally I had given up but DH said we should keep going and I agreed because I had nothing to lose. We went private and saw Dr Shehata.

Next month we celebrate three years of marriage. My fourteen month old DD is napping upstairs and I'm 39 weeks with our second 'surprise' DD. My life has changed completely in 36 months.

I wouldn't wish recurrent miscarriage on my worst enemy an there is no right or wrong choice for your next steps. Some people benefit from a rest, some people need to keep going. Keep talking to your dp, look after each other and do what you feel is best in your circumstances.

Good luck x

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caffeinestream · 26/07/2017 11:33

I'm sorry for your losses Flowers

What are your periods like and have you had your hormone levels checked? Low progesterone, PCOS, fibroids and endometriosis can all cause fertility problems so make sure you get those ruled out.

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thisismadness77 · 26/07/2017 11:36

I've had two mmc in a row (3 consecutive mc) and two ERPC. Having similar wonderings. Have a 4 yr old daughter thankfully.

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dadadadathatslife · 26/07/2017 11:43

I'm so sorry Sad

I had a d&c only yesterday after losing a baby at 7 weeks so this is still so raw for me.

I already have a dc so I feel unbelievably lucky.

The pain is still very real for me and I really just want to give you a hug.

I can't offer any advice about trying again or testing etc but I just wanted you to know that im sorry Sad

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Claireshh · 26/07/2017 11:53

SFly as you can see from the replies on this thread it is very very common. I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. I was utterly heartbroken. I still hadn't conceived again after 9 months so had an ultrasound which showed I had PCOS. I was prescribed Metformin and conceived one month later. I continued to take Metformin and was advised to take aspirin by my consultant. My daughter was followed by our son two years later. Conceived the same way. We then tried for a third. I had a further two miscarriages and decided to stop as I had lost my Dad at the same time so couldn't cope with another loss.

So, my advice would be to keep trying. My two are now 6 and 8 and still feel like my little dreams come true. I hope your dream comes true too. X

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