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AIBU?

To think my brother is being really unreasonable

274 replies

user1478433729 · 26/07/2017 08:17

Please help me to diffuse a difficult family situation.

My brother, SIL and 3 wk newborn baby live in the flat I own. To give some context; it's in central London, with a private garden, and was bought at a time (2000) when it was just barely affordable.
I've rented it to them since the end of last year when I moved out to get married.
The rent we agreed is what they were paying previously in their old flat, outside London. I proposed and agreed this as the amount covers both the mortgage and service charge - though it leaves no room for contingencies. It was my decision to rent at this level, and so far I've had no reason to regret my decision.
I'm not looking to make money from it, and my feeling has always been, as elder sister, to share my good luck with family in having a nice home in central London.
It's worth pointing out that the agreed rent is half the market value of other flats in the area - i.e., it's a good deal.

At the time they moved into my flat, their previous tenancy was coming to an end and they were struggling to find somewhere that was in their financial reach. Moving into my flat seemed like a reasonable solution all round.
When we agreed the rent, we set up a formal agreement so that everything was in black and white. I had the boiler serviced and made sure that all fire precautions in place. I also left the flat partially furnished (bed, sofa, interior furnishings, dining table) as they had none. I also bought a new sofa and also paid for contents insurance too.

Fast forward to last weekend. I'm currently out of the country and am also 8 months preg. I recd a no of texts from my bro to say that the boiler was not working and that there was no hot water.
I called out an emergency plumber that night (Sunday) to diagnose and his view was that a new boiler is needed. Mindful that this is going to be an expensive job of just under 3k (one that as landlord I fully realise I am responsible for and need to address, but equally an issue that needs to be addressed quickly, esp as newborn in house), I emailed 5 different plumbing co's on Sunday evening to ask them to quote on new installation and advise on speed of availability of 1/quote and 2/installation.
I cc'd my brother into these emails, mainly to reassure him that I was addressing the situation asap, and to keep him in the loop as to whom I had contacted.
On Monday am, at 7:30am uk time I recd the first reply to say they could have a plumber over to quote at 10am.
I forwarded the email on to my brother (assuming he would be ok with this) but chose not to call him as it was early and I didn't want to wake him up. He is currently on paternity leave with their 3 wk old.

Unfortunately, he did not read the email and was woken by the plumber knocking on the door at 10am.
He let the plumber in to quote, but afterwards sent a really rude and unpleasant email. I was taken aback by the viciousness....that I'm inconsiderate etc etc.
On reflection, I should have waited to ask if that time was ok, but I thought I was doing the right thing in terms of sorting out the problem asap.
I'm not back in the UK until the end of next week and don't want to just leave it until I get back.

If I was back in the UK, I would be on hand to liaise re timings but the fact is I'm not in the UK. I said that I needed his 'help' to liaise and coordinate timings for plumber inspection quotes.

I explained that it was really hard for me to do this and that I needed his 'help' to coordinate as I'm not in the UK, can barely get wifi/dial tone.

In short, he told me he wasn't prepared to help sort out the boiler issue as it is 'my flat/my boiler/my responsibility.'..,that they've lived in rental property enough to know that they shouldn't have to be responsible for helping with this.
I'm afraid I blew my top:
I said I wanted to address the elephant in the room which is that surely there is room for a bit of give and take here on the 'help' front.....,especially as I'm out of UK ....but also that I've tried to help them out with a flat where they are paying a subsidised rate at half market value.
This then escalated the situation: he's now saying they are really insulted, that they are not charity cases and that it's not like I need the money....and that I'm not working at present.....that I'm 'money grabbing' for even mentioning this subsidised issue.

I'm not working right now, have no income (am being supported financially by husband, which I don't like) and am not eligible for maternity benefits. I'm currently 8 months in to a problematic pregnancy.

Im not regretting my decision to rent at this subsidised rate, but I now feel deeply resentful. The 'help' I am asking them for is to ideally verbally agree a time with the plumber that works for them and to open the door so the plumber can inspect the boiler.
I need to get a range of quotes as it is going to be an expensive job (prob about 2.5-3k and I just can't afford to pay top whack).

I've never said or implied that they are charity cases but the fact is they are living in a very nice part of town in a flat that they would never be able to afford otherwise. It is a vastly subsidised rent.
I'm not expecting constant gratitude, but a thank you and a bit of give and take on the help front when I'm physically unable to resolve the situation, would have gone a long way.

In this one instance, where I'm physically unable to coordinate, I would have hoped that they could see I wanted to do a decent thing, both as landlord and sister, and just be on hand to open the door.
I'm just shocked and hurt at the amount of abuse that has come my way. I feel such a fool. Since the baby has been born, I've brought clothes, made lasagne....I feel such a fool.

He is now threatening to leave the flat and the situation is escalating.
I have not said a thing about them leaving the flat....but quite frankly, I'm feeling resentful of the attitude and the assumption that as I've a husband who can financially support me, that I'm money grabbing for pointing out that I've helped them financially and that I would really appreciate a bit of help in return in resolving the issue.

What to do?

OP posts:
Penny4UrThoughts · 26/07/2017 08:22

Let them leave. If you had been renting at market value you would have the income to pay for the boiler. He is being a twat. Of course he has to be involved in the boiler being fixed, he bloody lives there and you don't.

Have you been able to speak to your sister ?

Penny4UrThoughts · 26/07/2017 08:22

Oh, sil. Ignore, misread.

shockshockhorror · 26/07/2017 08:24

Your brother is being a dick. He's also bluffing, there's no way he'll move house (with a 3 week old baby) and have to pay twice the amount he's currently paying. And if he does, well that's his choice and you'll end up earning more money from the property.

I'd keep calm, tell him you'd be sorry to see him go but if he feels it's best he leave then you understand.

Phillipa12 · 26/07/2017 08:25

Agree whole heartidly with Penny if your brother wishes to cut his nose off to spite his face let him, its also not your fault you married a man who can financialy support you.

Handsupbabyhandsup · 26/07/2017 08:28

Best if he leaves. You will resent easily and be financially better off. Your brother is being a dick.

Chilver · 26/07/2017 08:29

I would not do anything further 're the boiler frankly until he comes to you. Also, I would let them leave but every time it comes up say 'it's your choice, I don't want you to leave, but if yOU choose to leave, then that's up to you'

Slightly different but I rented a room in my house to friends when I was single (2 different friends at different times). All was great, until they started thinking that they could find their own place for the same rent (slightly below market value for sharing but they had only one housemate not lots and a gorgeous garden etc) - both left citing that for the same money they'd get their own place - one ended up living back at home for years as couldn't afford anything of same standard and the other hopped from one housemate in gritty houses to another forebears unhappy with their situation.

Leave them to it, they'll soon learn that they had it good with you. Not your problem to fix.

Fishface77 · 26/07/2017 08:29

Call his bluff.
Say hi bro yes thy might be best as I would hate to lose family relationships over this so if you could be out by end October that would be great!
And I know what you mean by charity case! DH has been subbing me so I can up the rent and at least I'll be able to have some spare money!
Love you
Send baby pics

Needsomeflapjacks · 26/07/2017 08:30

And op your dh isn't financially supporting you - he is supporting his family.

Hereward1332 · 26/07/2017 08:30

Let him leave. He's being spectacularly ungrateful and difficult. It's not that much of an effort to let a plumber in, surely. What does he expect you to do? Fly back?

It sounds like he is expecting you to act as a professional landlord while you see the relationship as 'mates' rates' with the give and take that goes with it. Sadly these expectations of flexibility are not quantified,so there's not much you can do. Even if you fix this to his satisfaction, something else will come up. I'd suggest letting him leave and letting it properly to preserve your relationship.

livefornaps · 26/07/2017 08:30

Sounds like you are both conflating issues here.

This was just meant to be about a plumber.

He's probably sleep deprived and pissed off.

He should have thought more before sending the nasty email (much easier & cathartic to be nasty through typing). That was not fair of him.

However, you can't throw your own good gesture in his face like that. You should have minimized the situation instead of escalating it. All you needed to say was: can we stick to sorting out the plumber. All this "you should be grateful, you swines!" stuff was always going to end up in an EastEnders style barney.

I would send a very short email in which you say it was inappropriate to start bringing in irrelevant issues and that you should both prioritize sorting out the plumber. Say that you need a range of quotes. Stick to business only. Then sort it and take some time to cool off.

You can't show goodwill to people and then expect them to grovel in thanks forever. Good luck.

TheNoseyProject · 26/07/2017 08:30

Let him cut off his nose to spite his face op. He is being totally unreasonable and if he's rented so long will know the average landlord would not work as fast as you have (they should but they don't) and would also serve them notice to bump up the rent after fitting the boiler to recoup the money.

You have a proper agreement right? You could get the flat back couldn't you?

mumonashoestring · 26/07/2017 08:30

Let him leave, and wish him luck trying that nonsense with any other landlord.

We rent. Our rent is about £400pcm under the market average for the area, like you our landlady is happy to charge what she can afford to charge rather than charging as much as possible. Our boiler broke down on our second winter here - we let our landlady know and, as she's 400 miles away, suggested we contact plumbers, get quotes etc. then send the info on to her to agree something. We certainly didn't pitch a shit-fit over it and expect her to arrange a midnight visit from a magical, silent boiler-fairy.

Only1scoop · 26/07/2017 08:30

Think he may be sleep deprived so extra grumpy....however I'd let them go TBH. It would piss me off too.

BabsGanoush · 26/07/2017 08:30

If you had been renting at market value you would have the income to pay for the boiler.

and you would have an income during your maternity period.

DressedCrab · 26/07/2017 08:31

Let them leave.

Newyearnewbrain · 26/07/2017 08:31

I completely understand. We rent to family in much the same circumstance and as we live abroad we have to coordinate long distance.

The landlord/tenant arrangement can be tricky at the best of times but with family, it's hugely difficult FWIW I think your DB is being massively unreasonable and he probably knows it. Chucking his toys out of the peak is going to backfire spectacularly for him. If I was your SIL I'd be far from impressed at being made homeless with a newborn.

How is your relationship with SIL? Do you have a third party who can help negotiate the situation. You have to protect yourself at the moment, obviously but I do think this situation has been overblown (by your DB) and maybe if he's given the opportunity to backdown he will. He'd be crazy not to. Good luck.

strawberrypenguin · 26/07/2017 08:34

I'd give notice that their rent will be increasing. You need the income and to help with the boiler costs. They should be more grateful for the help you've given them.

honeysucklejasmine · 26/07/2017 08:36

Let him move out. Replace boiler and let it out for full market rent.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 26/07/2017 08:36

Let them start looking for a new place to rent. I'm pretty sure they will change their tune in no time.
I'd also up the rent a bit so you can save a bit of money for future expenses like plumbers, electricians and the like.

GnoraBatty · 26/07/2017 08:38

What a wanker.
Tbh it could just be that he is tired and overwhelmed with having a new baby. You're just getting the brunt of it.
Can you send him a condensed version of your op adding that if they really want to leave you will respect their wishes.
You are doing them a massive favour, they should both be very grateful.
Hopefully he sees the error of his ways and apologises soon xxxx

mychildhasmoremoneythanme · 26/07/2017 08:38

Totally agree with PP who said to let him come back to you around getting the boiler fixed. In fact I would sit back and let him come to you on all of it, he's being a really silly twat, new baby or not.

GnoraBatty · 26/07/2017 08:38

Cunting hell. Ignore the xxxxx

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Foxysoxy01 · 26/07/2017 08:39

I really think the best thing all round is to let him leave or ask him to leave.

This will only escalate as time goes on.

I would be giving notice now.

You can be reasonable and give them a decent amount of notice.

The problem is I'm not sure your relationship is going to fully recover and I am absolutely sure it will get even worse as time goes on if you carry on renting to them.

It's so difficult involving family when renting property. If it all goes well it's wonderful but an awful lot of the time little niggles start that then escalate very quickly and dramatically which then ruins relationships.

user1492287253 · 26/07/2017 08:41

dont escalate this.
your brother is sleep deprived and has tge weight of the world on his shoulders.
he had reacted angrily to being woken up. we have all been there. and he is well aware that he is being subsidised by you.
it sounds as though you have always got on well?

HipsterHunter · 26/07/2017 08:42

"Hi Bro. You're right, the landlord/tennant sister/brother relationship isn't working. I think it's best for everyone if you leave and I re let on a commercial basis with no confusion over roles and responsibilities. Please treat this as your formal 2 month notice to quit (or whatever your actual notice period and legal jargon are). Hopefully we can go back to being a brother and sister again now!"

He's a total twat tho. As if you wouldn't facilitate the boiler repair in that situation.

They have shot themselves in the foot.

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