AMBU - MIL insists I put my child at nursery at 6mo

[Peachypop]

AMBU MY MOTHER IN LAW INSISTS ON ME GOING BACK TO WORK AFTER 6 MONTHS MATLEAVE!
I’m 8 months pregnant with my fiancé and recently I’ve been struggling with my mother in law. We’ve been together for over a year and whilst this pregnancy wasn’t planned we are both happy to be expecting. Currently we live in my flat in London whilst my OH rents out his place and we are planning to sell both properties to move to a house in about 18 months time. When we found out we were pregnant we discussed my maternity leave and whilst I earn more money we both agreed that I would take a year maternity leave, even though things will be tight we will be able to afford it.
So the problem started, for me, recently when my mother in law started giving her unwanted opinion on my maternity leave. She’s lived in Thailand and middle east for the past 27 years working as a nursery teacher only visiting UK once a year. She’s a very opinionated person and I normally try to avoid any conflict with her by not getting involved. However she is coming over to stay with us for 2.5 weeks in August just before arrives. Recently she’s been telling my OH that we should send our baby to nursery early to avoid ‘separation anxiety’. Whilst deep down I thought it was unnecessary as I was planning to spend full 12 months at home and meet other mums at playgroups, arrange for the baby to meet other children etc. I suggested that we talk about it when she comes over and visits us in August. However last night when mil spoke to my oh she said that next year she will come over to stay with us for 12 weeks to look after the baby in the summer so that I can go back to work and start earning again. She’s made a few suggestions about how she went back to work 3 weeks after having a baby (my oh) and other women in Thailand and middle east only take 12 weeks off and send their children to nursery or get a nanny. I would never dream of going back to work so early, my mum took a year out when she had me and 2 years when she had my sister.
We have discussed this with my oh and he agrees that it would be best for me to stay with the baby for 12 months and I really don’t understand why his mother is sending me back to work, not to mention inviting herself over for 3 months? She is coming over to visit us in the next two weeks and I’m already dreading having this conversation. Am I being unreasonable to feel offended and undermined or is it just pregnancy hormones that are making me feel sensitive?
I'm actually still working and these last few weeks she been so hard physically, the last thing I need is stress like this...

[NotAPuffin]

She can't send you anywhere. She gets no say in this. When she brings it up, just keep repeating that the decision is already made, and change the subject.

[BigGreenOlives]

I think your partner needs to tell HIS mother that as a couple you will do what you feel is best for your child & while her opinion is valued you will do what the two of you decide.

I think you should try & avoid having a big disagreement with her, let him deal with his mother.

[AlmostAJillSandwich]

If she does try to show up for 12 weeks next year, send her packing too!

[PUGaLUGS]

Tell her to wind her neck in (well get your partner to do it).

Make it clear what YOUR plans are and say it isn't up for discussion.

Do not have her to stay.

[ibuiltahomeforyou]

She doesn't get a say in this.

Get your DP to deal with his mother and start being assertive, you'll need it when the baby arrives.

Don't give it any more brain space.

[endofthelinefinally]

Ignore her.
It isnt her business.
Thailand is a completely different culture and bears no resemblance to the UK.
Middle class families in Thailand have several maids to take care of cleaning, cooking and child care. Usually extended family too as it is normal for families to live together in large homes.
Apartment living is gradually becoming fashionable for younger generations but there is still a lot of family support.
Poor people usually live with extended family and child care is shared.
But this is a cultural system that Thais are brought up with and is completely normal.
It just isnt the same in the west.
You must do what you are happy with.

[Tofutti]

You're an independent, working adult woman.

Why do you think your MIL can 'send' you anywhere? Your fiance can't send you anywhere either.

Why are you letting her invite herself? It's your house, say no!

This is none of her business.

[Meowstro]

YANBU but there doesn't seem to be much you can do at the moment until she's there so try to keep that in mind, that you can't change much for now.

You need a conversation with DH and then ask him to talk to his mum. Although her line of thinking sounds cultural, she needs to respect your decisions for your own child and not dictate them to you.

However, it seems you've made a rod for your own back by this: I suggested that we talk about it when she comes over and visits us in August. The answer should have been that your decision is made. In telling her you could discuss it in August, it gives her a platform and right to an opinion that she will push on you. As long as you and your DP have discussed it and agreed then she needs to back off but he needs to reinforce that at every step of the way.

[BanyanTree]

Here is something you need to learn before your baby comes and you get any further involved with your DP's family.

Smile sweetly, tilt head to side and nod. Then do exactly what you want with no hesitation.

The interfering old cow. You need to tell her she is not visiting for that length of time otherwise basically she is going to take over.

[Cailleach666]

I suggested that we talk about it when she comes over and visits us in August.

Why would you want to do that?

[FuckleberryDunne]

Tell her to fuck off. It's not her baby. I wouldnt allow her to come to stay either.

[ILikeyourHairyHands]

Not her choice. She has no say. Your DP HAS to tell her this.

And you can relax, because it's bugger all to do with you.

[Booboostwo]

There are many different ways to deal with DCs and work, for example here in France a lot of mothers go back to work when the baby is 3 months old and they use nurseries and childminders....however none of this has anything to do with your MIL! It is entirely your decision (yours and DH's), spending a year with the baby is a wonderful thing to do and you shouldn't even have to discuss it with MIL. Your DH also has to stomp on the presumption of long visit, they are a nightmare at the best of times but become a disaster with a small baby, hormones, sleepless nights and an overinvested, critical MIL.

[iogo]

Oh for goodness sake. If you're old enough to have a baby, you're old enough to know your DPs mother has no ability whatsoever so send you to work!

Your fiance needs to tell her that and if he doesn't, well there's your huge red flag right there.

[iogo]

'To send you' not 'so send you '.

[mathanxiety]

Swallow hard and tell it to her straight. Your plans are cast in stone and you and your DP are very happy with what you have mutually decided. Do not engage further or try to convince her that this is best for you or for baby, etc.

If /when she argues, tell her you are ever so sorry she feels that way. Do not engage further. Repeat how sorry you are that she feels that way.

Sit down with DP and tell him while you love his mum (in a manner of speaking...) there is no way your MIL will be staying for three months. Tell him he is to back you up on this both when you are present and out of your earshot.

Better yet, sit down after telling your DP how you wish to proceed wrt his mother, and write her an e-mail telling her she will not be staying for those three months. Don't be ambiguous or try to explain yourself. Tell her you and DP are well sorted as far as your mat leave is concerned and that is all there is to it.

(She is talking bollocks about reducing separation anxiety btw. It will happen as a normal element of healthy infant development. It's a sign of solidly developing attachment and that the baby is able to distinguish between parents and other people.)

[endofthelinefinally]

Her ignorance about separation anxiety is a bit worrying considering she works with children.
Does she have any professional (up to date) qualifications?

[pigeondujour]

You're giving that faaaar too much headspace. I'd be giving raised eyebrows and smirks every time she said anything about it, wouldn't even contemplate discussing it as if she had a say. As for inviting herself for three months (wtf) I'd be telling your partner that isn't happening, and if she comes you and baby won't be there, and leaving it for him to tell her.

[Groupie123]

Thailand and MENA have different childcare traditions to the UK. Over here we have a year long maternity leave that is really embraced by employers, over there they only provide a minimal 'maternal health' leave similar to the US and even that is begrudging.

If you don't want her here then tell her bluntly that the UK is different. However, don't then complain to her about how hard off you are etc because this is squarely you/your partner's decision to make and you should woman up once you've made it.

[oldtrees]

No. And Don't even consider having het stay for 12 weeks if she's pushy. It'll be a nightmare.

Your DH needs to deal with his mum and tell her to let you do it your way and stop badgering you.

[Creampastry]

Tell dh that mil can't come for 3 months. It will be a nightmare!

[user1486915549]

I am amazed you have allowed this to become an issue !
Have you asked your OH why he didn't say " no thanks mum, we're sorted "

[Groupie123]

Just to add other cultures grandparents are more proactive about these things. You have a moan about money and often the first thing they'll do is sell up and move in with you so you don't need to 'worry'. I personally love it - mil still comes over from India to look after DC in the summer.

[AuntMabel]

Why can't you just say "No MIL, that won't be happening." End of discussion...not that a discussion is required at all!

She can't make you do anything, so why waste time worrying about it?

[Sunshineface123]

Don't discuss it with her, it's none of her business. Just keep repeating the plans you've made and then changing the subject. She'll get the message eventually.