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AIBU?

AIBU to think that contact arrangements like my DPs are better than the usual ones

78 replies

HoHoHoHo · 24/07/2017 12:44

I don't have any experience of this from the other side but I am in a relationship with someone who has children and their contact works like this.

The children live with their mother but DP spends as much time with
them as possible. Rather than having a rigid routine where the children must spend a certain time of the week with each parent, they look at what the children and they have planned and work it out from there.

If their mum wants to go out or has plans DP has them rather than them getting a babysitter that they don't know. If the children have an activity planned whichever parent is looking after them takes them with no fuss or moaning about it. If one parent is particularly busy one week then the other does the bulk of the childcare without complaint. DP sees more time than usual with his children as a bonus rather than his ex taking the piss. Conversely, if his ex asks him to take them unexpectedly at short notice and he can't for good reason she doesn't fly off the handle and accuse him of not wanting to see his children. She is accepting of our relationship and in an an emergency I even looked after the children in her home (her brother was in a car accident and DP was working away).

They are flexible and see each other as equal parents and don't deliberately make it difficult for each other to have a social life. DP's ex never uses the children as a weapon or blocks contact because she is annoyed with DP. DP is allowed to go to their house to spend an hour or so with them before bedtime sometimes when it is best for the children not to be taken out and they want to stay at home so they get to spend relaxed time with him in their own environment without it being an event.

From the outside this seems like it would be better for the children and better for the parents than a rigid schedule where the children must spend set time with each parent.

Reading on here it seems that this is not the norm but AIBU to think it should be and parents should be able to put their feelings aside to enable this? So many threads seem to be about NRP who refuse to take children to activities, or partners of NRPs who expect the RP's social life to fit in with pre-designated contact times. I also see RP's being encouraged not to be flexible and to insist that it's a set day each week or not at all and NRP's being demonised if something happens which means contact days have to change. I see RP's not allowing their ex in the house at all, even if this means that the children miss out on a precious hour or two with their parent.

Obviously this set up would only work if no abuse has occurred.

I get that parents are hurt when relationships break down but DP split with his ex after he had discovered her having an affair and agreed to try and work things out as he couldn't bear the idea of being separated from his children and wanted to keep the family together. He discovered her in their bed with the same man 18 months later while the children were asleep in the next room (she wasn't expecting him back as a stag do with an overnight stay was cancelled). I think that if he can put his feelings aside to be reasonable with her in the circumstances to enable a good co-parenting relationship with his ex most people should be able to.

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iogo · 24/07/2017 12:46

Always easier when you're not in the middle of it.

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roundtable · 24/07/2017 12:50

Sounds like their split was fairly mutual? Just drifted apart type of things?

Must be much harder to have that arrangement if it's not.

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Allthebestnamesareused · 24/07/2017 12:54

Yes in an ideal situation. However it does mean that plans can't always be made. My ex and Zi ended up living 2 hours apart due to work commitments. Therefore eow worked for us and we would agree holidays and be flexible with swaps for family events etc. Sometimes it works well until either party have a new partner who wants either attention or their say and then dynamics change.

It is great it works well for your DP and his ex and I assume you are happy for your plans to be put on hold/overlooked to enable their arrangements to happen but many new partners aren't as supportive

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VelvetSpoon · 24/07/2017 12:54

This type of arrangement only works where both sides are amicable, reasonable and possess the capacity for compromise.

Most separated parents are simply not that amicable.

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MinorRSole · 24/07/2017 12:55

I'm not sure walking in on your wife in bed with another man can be described as mutual!

I think this is a wonderful set up op, in an ideal world it would be great if we all could manage this. Sadly it doesn't happen for lots of reasons.

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Walkingtowork · 24/07/2017 12:56

Also when both live close together, the NRP still wants to see the dc a lot, new partners don't mind, and the partner who was 'dumped' can handle seeing their dumper a lot.

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HoHoHoHo · 24/07/2017 12:59

Sounds like their split was fairly mutual? Just drifted apart type of things?

No. DP caught her in their bed with someone else with the children asleep next door and was devastated.

I assume you are happy for your plans to be put on hold/overlooked to enable their arrangements to happen but many new partners aren't as supportive

Our plans aren't put on hold or overlooked and neither are hers. They discuss their plans with each other and come up with the best solution for both parents and the children.

This type of arrangement only works where both sides are amicable, reasonable and possess the capacity for compromise.

I think that part of being a good parent is doing what is best for the children, which involves being reasonable and compromising.

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stitchglitched · 24/07/2017 13:00

It sounds like it works well for your partner and that's great. I personally find the idea of always having to let your ex know your plans rather than use a babysitter to be really intrusive.

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wheresthel1ght · 24/07/2017 13:07

In principle what you say is correct. However...

Adults are not always capable of acting like grown ups. Like your n partner, mine walked in on his wife and a mutual friend shagging with the kids in the next room. He has always tried to keep the peace even when that has meant lying down and accepting tirades of abuse from her.

Where possible the kids needs should always be out first. A d in an ideal world they would be. But this is real life and you are being exceptionally niave and more than a little bit goady ti be honest

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HoHoHoHo · 24/07/2017 13:07

It sounds like it works well for your partner and that's great. I personally find the idea of always having to let your ex know your plans rather than use a babysitter to be really intrusive

She doesn't have to she just realises that it is best for the children to spend time with their dad. It also means they save money as obviously DP doesn't charge for this. Also, she doesn't say what she is doing she just says she wants to go out and and gives DP first refusal.

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IToldYouIWasFreaky · 24/07/2017 13:08

I think that part of being a good parent is doing what is best for the children, which involves being reasonable and compromising.

Yes but that can be bloody hard to do sometimes! and also "what's best for the children" is often having a set routine and clear boundaries in place, especially just after a split, especially if children are small and especially if there's been any piss-taking (not necessarily) abuse on either side.

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roundtable · 24/07/2017 13:09

He's possibly a better person than I would have been then HoHo. Shock

In an ideal world everyone would rub along fine but people have their own back story that can taint things I suppose.

I'm probably not actually qualified to answer this one - my parents have been married for nearly 40 years as have my in-laws before mil died.

I hope the amicable natures continues for you but it must be quite fragile. It only takes one person to change the dynamic and that's it. Which is probably what happens in many cases.

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AshesEmbersFlames · 24/07/2017 13:11

It works well for them and that's great. It's not always possible though as I'm sure you appreciate. My ex lives 2 hours away. He sees the DCs EOW which is the most practical arrangement given the circumstances.

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BackforGood · 24/07/2017 13:12

It is so very individual.
You have to understand that a lot of people are just hurting too much to be able to carry on as 'pals' like that. It really isn't that simple,.

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AwaywiththePixies27 · 24/07/2017 13:13

Nope. Good idea but wouldnt work in my situation.My DCs need that routine. DS is ASD. When me and Ex split he did not suddenly relinquish his right to only being a part time dad.

I also have the audacity to fall very ill atbe drop of a hat requiring hospitalisation. To which he's had to rearrange his schedule to look after OUR children.

Also I suspect shes never ever asked him to have the children unexpectedly without a very good reason. Because I know I haven't.

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user1476869312 · 24/07/2017 13:14

Yes, people can be amicable separated parents. My DS' dad and I have an informal way of doing things - he comes over at least twice a week and has always been willing to look after DS when I want to go for a night out.
Possibly what makes our set up work is the fact that we were longstanding friends before we had DS (who was a surprise/unplanned) so there has never been any nasty break up or bad feeling between us. We just don't want to be a couple/live together.

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AwaywiththePixies27 · 24/07/2017 13:17

DP is allowed to go to their house to spend an hour or so with them before bedtime

God that'd do my bloody head in! If he had a set routine in place he'd be able to do that himself at his place, would he not?

I'm civil with my Ex but like hell am I having him around for an hour just so he can read them a story. He Can Do That in HIS Time.

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HoHoHoHo · 24/07/2017 13:18

I get that it is hard. But it also gives them both flexibility and means the children know both parents wants to see them and they can see their dad whenever they like.

I don't think it is fragile as they did they before I starting seeing DP and I wouldn't ask them to change this. I wouldn't say I was friends with DP's ex but we have never been disrespectful to each other. If she had been difficult about me meeting the children or if I had arrived and insisted DP changed things and if DP had been the sort of guy who would put a gf above seeing his kids I guess things would be more fragile.

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AwaywiththePixies27 · 24/07/2017 13:21

How does it give them both flexibility if your DP says no when she needs the help urgently?

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HoHoHoHo · 24/07/2017 13:21

I suspect shes never ever asked him to have the children unexpectedly without a very good reason

Quite often she will say that she has been invited on a night out or something and wants to go and asks if DP is free. I don't think that's a bad thing though. She is entitled to a life and the children have two parents!

If he had a set routine in place he'd be able to do that himself at his place, would he not?

He does usually. But sometimes circumstances are such that is is better for the children to be at theirs and he will go and say hello.

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cuckooplusone · 24/07/2017 13:21

I am fairly amicable with my DD's dad, we share care (he does three days, two nights) and readily agree swaps to fit in with plans for each other. I need the schedule as a starting point just from a practical point of view. I don't use ex for ad hoc care generally but might in an emergency.

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VelvetSpoon · 24/07/2017 13:21

Compromise is only possible where BOTH sides are capable and willing, otherwise you end up with one person trampling over the other.

Ie, I tried to be reasonable and amicable with my Ex after our split. I let him see DC whenever he wanted, make no claim for maintenance, encouraged him to spend time at our house. In return, he caused loads of trouble for me at work, started a fight with a complete stranger and ran up £1000s worth of debt. A friend's Ex made out they were all amicable at first, doing family days out etc, but when friend asked for some personal items (own passport, other docs - nothing of DC just their own) from the FMH, the Ex spat the dummy and refused to hand anything back, yet still expected to come round for dinner! No compromise just all one way...

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HoHoHoHo · 24/07/2017 13:23

How does it give them both flexibility if your DP says no when she needs the help urgently?

If it is an urgent situation he will drop his plans as I would expect any parent to. Usually it is because she wants to go out spontaneously so she checks if he is able to help.

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BraveButShaking · 24/07/2017 13:23

I think that if he can put his feelings aside to be reasonable with her in the circumstances to enable a good co-parenting relationship with his ex most people should be able to.

It is your right to think that of course and it sounds like it works well for all parties involved. But yes, this is not the norm for multitude of reasons.

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AwaywiththePixies27 · 24/07/2017 13:24

Its not hard. I just don't see the need for it. There has only ever been two times I have neem to Exs house when he's had the DCs. One because DS was having a meltdown and Ex and his GF couldn't settle him for love nor money (DS has ASD). The other when I was too bloody ill to have them one Christmas so he had them for the week instead. So they spent a lovely Christmas with their energetic dad who's took some time off and did fun things with them, other than their mum who was about as much use as a chocolate teapot at the time. I took their presents over then slept through the next 72 hours if I recall correctly. .

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