AIBU to not feel grateful to mother for coming to help me clean?

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Given that it's tit for tat essentially.

I know she means well - and I am certainly pissed off at the state of my house. DH has been house husbanding, but that does not appear to include cleaning and believe me folks, my standards are pretty low. Ma is retired. As it Dad and they have unemployed DB living with them currently. I work a 60/70 hour week, have just stopped for the holidays and have huge fucking amounts of planning to do in that time and resources to create for new GCSE/A level.

Am I really fucking ungrateful that although I accepted when Ma rang today and suggested that she come help me out for a couple of days cleaning and then I come do the same for her because 'it's more fun/motivating with two of you' I just feel pissed off and bitter.

I don't actually want to clean up my own shithole. I don't get why I'm breaking up for the holidays and just starting more 'wife work' that should have been done by DH or DD (21 and living here). I am sole breadwinner and work very long hours. And neither of them contribute much.

I really don't want to go clean Ma and Pa's house on top. Would have gratefully accepted help from Mam but now feeling pissed off that it's not out of kindness, it's a favour to be returned. And pissed off that there are three of them doing fuck all in that household who could clean it up. I know DPs are getting on - but there's nothing stopping DB scrubbing her skirting boards/cleaning grout up the top of a ladder or whatever she's after!

Am I a cow? Or just really pissed off with women's perceived roles. DH has now fucked off to do some work and left me with all the child care as well for a few weeks (Still got a DS at home). DD has gone off to Ibiza with mates.
Ma lives with two blokes, but is the only one who cleans. Holiday - what fucking holiday? If there is reincarnation can you put down for 'cocklodger' do you think? If not, I'm going for 'cat' I guess.

[vikingprincess81]

Fuck that! Rota for your lot asap!
Your Ma probably means well, but YANBU. Your bro can get off his arse and help.
Thank you for doing the work you do, I'd kill the little fuckers if I was a teacher
For you

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Oh Wow...thank you viking that made me feel better. No one EVER thanks me for anything! And I had just begun to feel I was a whining sod.

I have given my lot a ROTA. Daughter is supposed to hoover through downstairs once a week and clean bathroom. DH is supposed to cook and keep living room/kitchen tidy. DS is supposed to unload/load dishwasher, cut lawn, collect chicken eggs. I would do the washing/ironing.They got this at Easter when I broke down in tears shouting, 'I've fucking had it - I'm leaving' basically. And they all agreed to it. But they don't. If I point it out I get told, 'I'm going to!' until I finally do it myself.

I will be telling DB 'You're an idle fucking sod - why am I round here doing this?'

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

PS And I LOVE my job. But I've nothing left at this point in the year. I'm on my knees.

[vikingprincess81]

Nah, you're not a whining sis, you're knackered and pissed off - I would be too! I'm from a family of teachers - don't worry I'm not one aforementioned killing the little fuckers so I know how much shit you guys deal with. It's not right you're working all the hours then being expected to clear up at home too.
Is your DH always useless? And if he's not caring for a young child, may I ask what the fuck he's doing all day if he isn't doing jobs round the house?
More and some and

[vikingprincess81]

Sod, not sis

[justilou]

I would suggest that it is not you who owes your mother for her favour, but your DD & DH who have obviously done precious little while you've been out working. (They have contributed to most of the shitheap in your place, right?) Imagine how much fun your DM will have "motivating" the two of them to pull their fingers out (and maybe teach them a thing or two along the way)...

I imagine they may be somewhat resentful about this. Schadenfreude.

You need a break and you still have shit to do for work.

[Aquamarine1029]

I can't believe you haven't choked your husband and daughter to death by now. A very serious talk is in order.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Thanks folks. Unfortunately they have both vanished for a couple of weeks as soon as I have broken up. DD is abroad on holiday, DH is working 7 hours away for a fortnight with a mate.

DH appears to potter about outside when home. DH likes to be outside. We have lots of wood cut up for fires. And he can spend a long, long time doing 'outside' jobs I'd never registered needing doing. Last week he painted a piece of guttering. That he had taken down from somewhere. Pushing a hoover around appears to be trickier.

[Flossy1978]

I'd take some of your hard-earned pay and go off for a week or two to a warm sunny spot, by yourself. Relax, unwind. You deserve it.

What a lazy ungrateful family you seem to have. I don't know why your DH doesn't work, but barring severe disabilities, he's apparently got a life of luxury and feels no need to change it. You must love him alot.

As for your Mum. Nope, no way..... Just tell her, no thank you. And leave it at that.

[Ceebs85]

No, fuck that. Why are you being offered help to do jobs your house husband hasn't been doing? I'm so annoyed on your behalf!

I'd be telling him she was coming round to help him clean up since it's all jobs he should have been doing anything. DD would not be getting away with it either.

You sound like a saint!

[Isetan]

Why are you angry at your mother? Your H isn't a house husband, he just doesn't work and rather than getting angry at your Mum, why don't you get angry at your H, your DD and yourself for enabling this sorry state of affairs.

When did you become so passive and why do you think you're entitled to your mother's help without returning the favour? Why is it so wrong for her to want your help too?

[Groupie123]

You need to have some honest conversations with your daughter and husband. Your DH isn't a house husband or a SAHP he's an unemployed lazy git. That's what you call someone who doesn't work, doesn't do the housework, and isn't disabled/caring. Your DD sounds like she's old enough to be kicked out if she doesn't pull her weight.

[emilybrontescorset]

Your dh should be cleaning the house.

[annandale]

Sympathy - although I'm not a teacher so I am approximately 1% as knackered as you. I do work full time though nothing like your hours. Dh does clean a bit - he does the kitchen surfaces, keeps the washing up moving, does do the laundry (no ironing but he's a demon folder). He will do the downstairs floors once a month. He is also a tidy person which helps. So all less bad than your situation. But oh the fury when you come home frayed and frazzled from a draining job with people to find the house is a stressful e

[annandale]

Alright sorry. Phone. To findicate the house is a stressful environment in itself.

I would agree that your mother isn't the problem. Just say no, you're not willing to spend your one and only proper break doing everyone else's work for them.

I would also agree with going away yourself with a pile of trashy novels to a hotel somewhere warm. Can be surprisingly manageable price if there's only one of you. Then see how you feel about all this when you are less shattered.

[Thenorthbloodywellremembers]

Sounds like you and your mum are in a similar position, living with two people who could and should help with the cleaning but don't. I would get a cleaner in and go on holiday if I were you. Then talk to your husband about it when you're calmer and less exhausted.

[HotelEuphoria]

Why doesn't your DH work? Does your DD work? If they won't contribute physically then if needs to be financially so you can hire in the labour for the physical stuff. They are taking the piss.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

You earn the money and he spends the majority of it, fair enough. He's the house husband so I'm assuming he buys most of what is needed for the household. There will inevitably be a certain amount of money left over for fun things. So how about paying for a cleaner and removing that money from what your husband spends on fun things for himself? If you give your dd money, also remove a proportionate amount from her.

I am a sahm. I am chronically ill. I contribute whatever I can to the house. My dh does Hoover upstairs and tidy up quite a lot. I do whatever I am able and he helps with the rest. I know my husband also gets very tired. I try my best to do all I can and that isn't always enough. Otoh your dh sounds like a lazy arse and if he isn't listening to you, then I can only think to hit where it hurts.

And as for going and cleaning your mums house? Fuck that. Send dh and dd in your stead. She's actually doing them a favour. Not you. Tell your mother of your intentions so there's no misunderstanding.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

alternatively move your mother in 😱 And send dd and dh to live with the slobs at your mums house.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Take your mum out for coffee and sit down and have a talk about how you respectively motivate your house sharers. Don't do the work, talk about how you are going to get them to do it (it's often easier when someone else suffers the same).

And oh, I understand the 'I was gonna!' approach. Every single person in my household used to do that. I live alone now. It's great.

[sandgrown]

If your mum had just offered to come and help clean your house would you have been offended? I know some people on here (me) would feel, rightly or wrongly, I was being criticized for not keeping a nice home . May be she was just suggesting you help her in return to make you feel better. Either way your DH and DD need to do more. I am in a similar position and usually end up doing stuff myself as I get fed up of asking! Try and take some time in the holidays to just relax.

[Miserylovescompany2]

YY - to moving your mother in and evicting the slothenly ones :) that'll TEACH them...

[Smallangryplanet]

Don't do it ,there are other grown ups that should or could do this. Planning is working, you have enough to do.

Tell your mum you have changed your mind and your DH to get his finger out.

I wouldn't be cooking or doing laundry for other people.

[peachgreen]

If your DH doesn't work, why on earth is he not doing ALL of the housework? Why is this even a debate? I mean, sure, once or twice a week you should be sticking a load of washing on or cooking, and the parenting should be split equally, but there should be no arguments over hoovering etc because he should be doing it! Unless he's disabled, obviously. If he doesn't want to, he can go out and get a job and pay for a cleaner!

[ofudginghell]

Book a clean team for a days one off big clean.
Divide the bill between dd and dh and tell them if they can't be arsed and respectful enough to you to do their share seeing as they are at home then they can pay for it to be done.

Then book yourself a few days away alone somewhere warm and quiet and tell them your at the end of your rope and unless they seriously buck up and appreciate you that you will be looking for a room to rent somewhere and downing tools and financial support at home altogether.
That should put the wind up them.

I have three dc,two still in education.
Thank you very very much for teaching them through the slog of education. I as a parent do fully appreciate it and have so much respect for teachers.

I said a heartfelt thank you to my youngests primary teacher last Thursday as she's taught all three of mine this being the last one.
She's been an amazing teacher for them and just wanted to show it wasn't in noticed and she cried and thanked me back for saying thank you. It's the recognition for her so well bloody done.
Now go and have a well earned rest xx