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AIBU?

I'm probably BU

21 replies

Bellini81 · 23/07/2017 15:41

Genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 11 years and he can be a bit stressful about money, for example asking me how much I've spent if I've been out for a meal with a friend as soon as I walk in the door, rather than asking if I've enjoyed the meal or if I show him something I'm planning to buy for myself and I ask his opinion on it, he will ask how much it is before he will give me his opinion (we have separate finances by the way, this isn't his money I'm spending, though he earns three times more than I do, as I've always worked around the kids) if
we get a rare night out together (child free) the first thing he will tell me in the morning is how much he spent the night before and he is visibly gutted if it's a bit more expensive than he thought it would be.

Last week he came to me and said he might go to an event with some friends and asked if I was busy that weekend so he could go, it's an all day thing. I said no I wasn't busy and off he went to organise it.

Today his dad let slip this event was going to cost my husband £150 to attend (ticket price) my knee jerk reaction is to be pissed off, first of all he didn't mention how much it was on purpose as he knows if the tables were turned, he would be disgusted that I was spending that much on a day getting pissed with my mates and this is before buying any alcohol at the event, so this is just the bottom line price, it could go into the hundreds.

This isn't a thing he usually attends as he has a season ticket for football that costs him a small fortune plus with some away games and attending all the games (eating and drinking there) it's pretty expensive but I don't moan about it or even ask how much he spends, I just let him get on with it.
But he is trying to make more of an effort with friends so decided he will attend this.

I really don't begrudge him a day out with his mates, I'm actually looking forward to the peace but this one rule for me and another for him has made me irrationally pissed off and I can't shake it off.

I'm happy for the mumsnet jury to tell me to get myself together as I'm sure you will 

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 23/07/2017 15:55

Oh hell no, I would loose my shit at the one rule for you one rule for him, even more so, why is the policing how you much money you spend with friends if he's spending that much on a ticket to something?!

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 23/07/2017 15:57

I could not live like that , the message coming across is hes worth it , you're not

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 23/07/2017 16:27

Your situation is identical to a set of our friends. He's an absolute miser with money and if I were her we would have had a body-under-the-patio scenario years back.

Frankly I wouldn't discuss personal spending money with him. But then, I couldn't live with someone like him.

LexieLulu · 23/07/2017 16:45

Gosh I'd hate to get the third degree about money all the time Sad how do you deal with that?

You're not being unreasonable

RortyCrankle · 23/07/2017 16:50

Well, you now know what to do the next time you want to do or go somewhere. I couldn't live with someone like that either.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2017 16:58

I think now is a great time to bring this issue up with him. Mention how much he spent on himself with no concern, yet when you spend money you're treated like his child. Tell him this bullshit needs to stop.

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 23/07/2017 17:08

When he asks you next time how much something cost, tell him you won't be telling him, given he didn't tell you. Why is he asking when you have separate finances?

Bellini81 · 23/07/2017 18:18

I don't know why he is like it tbh, I think his dad is pretty much the same, so it's what he has learnt and what he considers normal.
When he asks me how much I've spent I usually lie and lower the price anyway, not like he does do anything like sulk or lose his temper it's just easier than dealing with the disappointed air around him Hmm

I never usually care what he spends money on but for some reason finding out he is spending so much money on one day out really fucked me off as I can just imagine 'the face' if it was the other way round and I'm supposed to just be cool all the time regarding his spending. Well he can fuck off.

We've had a row and he has said he can spend what he likes as he earns £xxxxxx and he never moans when a parcel arrives everyday for me (I had a DVD delivered from amazon for the kids and a book for my daughter this week) a grand total of £9 was spent, woooo Grin he also says I spend what I want to, yes I do but I'm still asked what each and every thing costs and it's usually stuff for the kids. Ive never spent over £20 in a week on an item unless it was Christmas for example.

Ah well I've gone crazy and downloaded a book from amazon for myself (£5.99 a Stephen King I haven't read yet) and I've taken to my cosy bed after a long bath and this is where I'm staying.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 23/07/2017 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bellini81 · 23/07/2017 18:50

Yes they are his kids too. I deal with the bulk of the stuff they need and yes I've worked around their schooling etc so I've not built a career for myself but I've got a decent job now with slightly longer hours and we are coping so far...so as they get older I'll be able to expand the hours and maybe get an expensive hobby for myself, (maybe one of those mystery ones the husbands like to do but never get talked about on here)

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 23/07/2017 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrogFairy · 23/07/2017 19:04

Henceforth, when quizzed by DH on what something has cost, reply sweetly "less than X event/your season ticket."

Every. Fucking. Time.

CremeFresh · 23/07/2017 19:08

Is be pissed off too , it must be exhausting having to justify spending your own money all the time. I hope he dips his hand in his pocket for the kids and it doesn't fall on you to pay for everything for them.

Imbeingunreasonable · 23/07/2017 19:10

Henceforth, when quizzed by DH on what something has cost, reply sweetly "less than X event/your season ticket."

Every. Fucking. Time.


This!

Imbeingunreasonable · 23/07/2017 19:13

Why does he make you justify your spending OP? If my partner asked me every time I bought anything I'd just say "none of your business". To be honest I think I would just get to a point of not even answering the question anymore.

I can't understand why he's so disappointed at going slightly over budget unless you're both in debt.

Moanyoldcow · 23/07/2017 19:18

The way you generally deal with money seems strange - why don't you have joint finances given you work less and he earns so much? Must be rather asymmetrical and quite difficult not to breed resentment.

Smitff · 23/07/2017 19:21

Have you ever told him that the reason he's earning as much as he is is because you're doing everything else for him?

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 23/07/2017 19:25

OP, I couldn't live like this. You and him need to have a serious conversation. I doubt that even realise how much stress you are under with his constant issues about spending. This is no way to live.

Bellini81 · 23/07/2017 19:29

We've never had joint finances, seems strange now I've wrote that down. No we aren't in debt either, though we aren't fabulous with money, we'd rather book a holiday then save the money in a bank account for example.

I pay the bills 50/50 but he pays the full rent of our place monthly as this is the biggest outgoing. I don't have a great amount of spendable cash left over each month after I've been paid, after I've put aside what I need to pay out for direct debits.
So yeah it seems a bit shit that I need to declare what I've spent to him.

It seems he has it in his head that I'm some feckless spender (that will be the two amazon parcels this week) and he deserves the right to have his season ticket and an expensive day out.

But I'm going to take the suggestion of every time he asks what I've spent to say it's not as much as your season ticket. What a comeback, the prick.

OP posts:
Moanyoldcow · 23/07/2017 19:38

That's just daft - how can a married couple with children exist with such different levels of disposable income?

My DH and I do 'equal surplus' so after all bills, food, savings etc come out of the JOINT account we have the same personal spending money each month (around £400) which we can spend on whatever we like. He puts in about £2k and me £1.1k.

He has never once asked me about what I spend my money on.

Your system is hideously unfair and your husband sounds like he's taking advantage of you.

Jayfee · 23/07/2017 19:45

Time to amalgamate finances. This isnt the 1950s when my dad took out his money and gave the rest of his pay to my mum ( dad got less than half but still). Remind him of the saying " Some people know the cost of evetything amd the value of nothing"

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