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AIBU?

To want my husband back now please

69 replies

Midge1978 · 22/07/2017 19:09

I'm going to sound like a heartless bitch I know but please be kind, this comes from a genuine place.

DH's father passed away from a long-term illness 10 months ago. Since that day we have rallied around mil to make sure she's ok. DH sorted out all the paperwork after he lost his dad so she didn't have all that to deal with and we let her stay with us each weekend so she didn't get lonely (she meets up with her friends in the week and babysits for sil).

Now 10 months later she is still staying with us every single weekend. Mil phones up nearly every other day with a job she wants dh to do for her so he has to drop everything and go round there. A lot of the time the jobs aren't necessary or someone else has offered to do it but she wants dh to do it. She comes on holidays with us too. When she's here she commands dh's attention while I end up just looking after our children. I feel like the au pair rather than his wife!

I'm not heartless, I can understand that her soulmate has gone and she must feel so lost and lonely. I can't imagine the void that's in her life forever and the heartache she feels. But I miss having Saturday evenings with my husband so much, it was the only night we really got together and it's becoming so hard not to resent her constant demands. DH always defends her but I know she's manipulating him and his good nature. How do I handle this without causing upset?

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 22/07/2017 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ComeToTheCoast · 22/07/2017 19:13

Can you not arrange a day/night out while she is there? Unpaid babysitter?? At least you'll be getting a break from her AND the dc!

mineofuselessinformation · 22/07/2017 19:13

Could you tell her you want to take him out as a special treat as he's been working so hard?
It would take a complete lack of understanding on her part to be resentful about that - and you could then tell her how much he enjoyed it, and try to make it a regular thing.

Allthewaves · 22/07/2017 19:15

I'd start by suggesting evwry othwr weekend and visiting her during the day Saturday on weekend she's not staying. Could she not stay at sil

Fluffyears · 22/07/2017 19:17

I feel your pain. DP is an only child so everything falls on his shoulders. She can't even cope with paying a bill or getting her food shopping. She finds any reason to have him at her beck and call and has kittens if he doesn't go over on his days off. She can't drive and is actually lazy as fuck do has him driving her all over the shop (even after I had surgery and needed help). When he takes her shopping he unpacks it and puts it away whilst she sits on her arse then gets him to hoover her stairs and empty her bins. She is completely mobile. She then says things like 'in
I'll need to empty that cupboard, you can help next time you come over!' Erm we work full time and have plenty to be doing to our new home.

It's only now after 5 years he's started to tire of her 4 phone calls a night and had cut back going over and only takes her topical places.

In your problem your husband needs to see the issue. Maybe suggest you and him go out whilst she babysits every so often, she can't really complain.

Blazedandconfused · 22/07/2017 19:19

Sounds like she and DH are settling into their new routine. But it was only meant to be temporary so I would move to every other weekend, maybe Sunday lunch too for the first month or so, and let mil start to find her feet again.

Sushi123 · 22/07/2017 19:19

Try to phase her out gently..tell her next weekend doesn't suit as you have friends coming on Saturday night for dinner...on Sunday you can tell her they cancelled at last minute. That way you get a wee Saturday night in with your dh...obviously you need to get him onside for this plan. I know he feels obliged to keep her company, but he also has obligations to you and he should take these seriously.

Pallisers · 22/07/2017 19:22

This will get worse not better unless you do something. I feel very sorry for your MIL but I don't think it is reasonable to have her to stay every weekend - that will take a toll on your marriage eventually.

Suggest next weekend that dh takes her out for coffee on Saturday morning and she comes over for dinner on Sunday.

bigbluebus · 22/07/2017 19:36

Your DH needs to start pulling back. I fully understand why he has not wanted his DM to be alone at the weekends but that is her life now and she needs to find ways to fill it. Whilst you fill it for her she will not look to do it in other ways and you will be stuck with her every weekend.

Start by telling her she can only come every other weekend as you need time on your own with DH. Your DH aso needs to control when he will go over to her house and do jobs. Obviously if it is an emergency then he must go straight away but if it is just a routine job which can wait then he must tell her when it is convenient for him to come over, Even my frail 86 DM managed when lighbulbs blew in a room until we could get there to change them. If something was urgent she got the neighbours to help - we weren't in a position to rush over there at the drop of a hat. The fact that your DH is means his DM expects and will continue to expect it. Your DH needs to manage this to reduce expectation.

Member984815 · 22/07/2017 19:40

I feel for you same situation here almost . My dh spends every Saturday at his mother's she comes here Sunday . He works hard all week . Tries to spend time with me . I feel like a third wheel sometimes . Wish things could go back to normal

Midge1978 · 22/07/2017 19:42

Allthewaves sil doesn't have a lot of room at her place but it is rather galling seeing pics of her out partying every weekend while we look after her mum.

OP posts:
OVienna · 22/07/2017 19:43

DH always defends her

There isn't much you can really do until he feels this situation is a problem too. You need to let him know how it is affecting you.

I would also suggest moving her to a Sunday lunch at the earliest opp. And get your friends to organise some Saturday nights out...

But ultimately you and your DH need to be acting as a team, in order to sort this out.

Jenna43 · 22/07/2017 19:47

Can you makes plans to go out with DH maybe every other Saturday night?

Midge1978 · 22/07/2017 19:47

She already insists on having sunday lunch with us x

OP posts:
Midge1978 · 22/07/2017 19:48

Unfortunately we can't really afford to go out at the mo.

OP posts:
Justhadmyhaircut · 22/07/2017 19:51

I think suggesting a couples date night at home is acceptable.
He needs reminding he is a dh not just a ds. . Way to a man's heart isn't always his stomach. .

OVienna · 22/07/2017 19:58

I even had in mind a DVD and a couple of bottles of wine at a friend's house. Your MIL doesn't need to know it's not more 'formal'.

Bluetrews25 · 22/07/2017 19:59

Sad for MIL - lost her DH so is reclaiming her DS as a DH substitute.
Not sure how you deal with it though, but agree he needs to come back to you.
YANBU at all.
Go gently, OP.
Can you investigate some alternative weekend activities for her so she has something else to do? There must be something for solo's to do on a weekend!

OVienna · 22/07/2017 19:59

Some good friends would help.

SteppingOnToes · 22/07/2017 19:59

I've been there except my ex key word there is ex moved in with his mum to 'help her get on her feet'. I thought this would be 4-6 weeks max - 8 months later I gave him an ultimatum and he moved back but then I was faced with what you have. He would leave an hour early every morning to stop in on his way to work and then drop by on his way home often eating there when I had already fucking cooked. Then she would invariably find a reason for him to need to go back in the evening.

I suggested date day where we could have a day together uninterupted. The first day he got a call from her whilst we were walking along the beach on a day out. She insisted he needed to come and help supervise a new boiler being fitted. She had purposely organised this for a Sunday when we had told her we were going out for the day.

The relationship lasted another couple of years but I never did see much of him. It's something that needs dealing with early on - a colleague is in the same boat and she is just about to retire they have been in this position for 20 years!.

You have my sympethies - you will come across as a heartless bitch but remember that you deserve happiness too.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 22/07/2017 20:02

The way a man treats his mother is the way a man treats his wife. If you want her sidelined and dumped be careful what you wish for, because one day your DIL might just decide you are a maudlin encumbrance with too many little jobs that need doing ......

Aquamarine1029 · 22/07/2017 20:03

Perhaps you should make plans for yourself to go out on the weekend. It is totally unfair that your life has to grind to a halt because your husband has his mother over every weekend. Let him stay home and look after her. You go out and have some fun.

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Midge1978 · 22/07/2017 20:03

Steppingontoes that is a sad story and you were in an impossible situation. I will heed the warning and I'm very grateful to you for sharing your experience x

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/07/2017 20:04

And you are NOT a heartless bitch. This situation has gotten completely out of control. You've lost your husband in a way, as well!

RaspberryOverloadsOnIcepops · 22/07/2017 20:04

I appreciate your DH wants to help his mum. But he needs to realise that ultimately, she's failing to move on while she's so focussed on your DH, her son.

She now needs to start making a new life with other interests. And your DH needs to realise that this arrangement actually threatens his marriage to you. You're not being heartless.

What happens when your DCs get older and want to do things/get invited to things at the weekend? Is MIL going to be involved in that as well? And why are you doing all the childcare at weekends? Your DH needs to understand he isn't a replacement for his father.

It's time to change this arrangement to something that suits all of you.

When my FIL died, we had MIL coming along every day for a little while, then we moved house. MIL came to help us in unpacking, but after we'd eaten dinner she said "If I asked to sleep here in the chair tonight, I wouldn't go home again. It's an empty house, but I need to go home."

She recognised that she could have so easily fallen into a similar cosy arrangement your MIL has now. But she resisted it and had a really full life until she died.

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