My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

Is this ordinary? stepchildren related

63 replies

foursthescore · 22/07/2017 01:25

Ive been with dp for 4 years and his children's lives for 3. He was a colleague of mine and we started seeing eachother 4 months after his marriage ended. He did not leave her for me. There is 3 dc aged between 5 and 8. They are with us eow and a night in the week.

I have a great relationship with the kids, i couldn't love them any more if i tried and for the most part its fine.

The issue is his ex. She has never spoken to me. Never looked in my direction. She tells dp she refuses to deal with me. The dc are not allowed to mention my name to her. I gather she believes that if dp hadn't met me then she could have got him back. Dp says that isn't true.

We're getting married soon. Should i just accept that this is how it will always be? Dp had the flu a few months ago and got out of bed to take the dc home because he was too afraid that she'd flip if i dropped them off..

OP posts:
Report
DailyMailReadersAreThick · 22/07/2017 01:31

Unfortunately, it's quite common. Sad Lots of emotions involved in breakups, of course, and your relationship starting relatively soon after theirs ended won't have helped.

But if the worst she does is ignore you, rather than actively try to make your life hell or ruin your relationship, count your blessings!

Report
DailyMailReadersAreThick · 22/07/2017 01:32

Also, before someone comes along to say your partner didn't have flu if he could get out of bed... they're wrong. Wink

Report
Italiangreyhound · 22/07/2017 02:14

I agree with Daily that you probably just need to accept this.

The bottom line is that you don't know what might have happened and neither does she nor your dh (if you had not met him) but your dh does know what he realistically feels. Maybe she feels better believing that they would have got back together.

It must be unfair for the kids to carry the burden of not being able to talk about you but I think she has a right not to want to include you in her life.

I hope your wedding day goes really well.

Report
kmc1111 · 22/07/2017 02:21

It's terrible for the children, but yes, fairly common unfortunately.

If her behaviour isn't affecting the DC's feelings towards you and DH then I'd leave it be.

Report
MikeUniformMike · 22/07/2017 02:22

It isn't ideal but it could be a lot worse.
Your relationship with the stepchildren (to be) and DP seems good. 4 months after splitting up is quite short but isn't unheard of. I've heard of people getting married 4 months after becoming single.
I've not had to share the parenting of my children so I don't know about how I would feel about their dad's partner. Knowing me, I would mind.
I hope that you get some good advice on here.

Report
MandateMandy · 22/07/2017 02:30

But her behaviour will be affecting the children if they are not "allowed" to mention the op at all. This will undermine any relationship between op and the children but also ultimately their relationship with their dad. The message she is sending the children is that dad and op are to blame or are bad in some way. And no..she does not have a right to do this. Behaviour like this is why some children of separated families struggle.

Your partner needs to discuss this with her now before you get married and have children of your own (if that is on the cards). She needs to understand what impact she is having on her children.

Report
MistressDeeCee · 22/07/2017 02:54

I don't think she has an obligation to speak to or deal with you. I don't' see why she should want to listen to her DCs talking about you. It could be that she simply isn't interested They are the childrens' parents I assume arrangements are made perfectly well between them and the DCs arent presenting as unhappy.. Thats what matters. You did come on the scene very quickly after end of relationship with your DP so if she does think the 2 of you were having an affair, then nothing you say or do will change her mind anyway.

I think it would be unwise to get on to your DP asking him to have a word with her about you. If the DCs are happy and she is not being disruptive to you or making your life difficult then leave her alone, as she is leaving you alone. Focus on your upcoming wedding to take your mind off this.

Report
sykadelic · 22/07/2017 03:02

Say you don't accept this is how it is... how do you propose to change it? If you're determined to try and change things, start slow and DEFINITELY before the wedding (because it will be a triggering event and could make things worse, like her thinking you now feel entitled or something).

For example, when he was sick he could have sent her a text letting her know he was sick so she could either come get them or you could drop them off. You could also start by being in the car once in a while for a drop-off, you're heading off somewhere together afterwards or something. See how she reacts to that. Or he could send her a text letting her know that you're doing the drop off for this particular day. If she asks why, you need the car or something. Hopefully she doesn't and just says ok.

Otherwise you could go with the direct route. Him speaking to her but you can't make her like it. I'd just at least get it to a point where you can drop the kids off if you need to.

Agree that getting together 4 months after his marriage ended (so I gather you were together during the divorce etc?) is a big factor here. It's more likely she thinks that you're the reason for the divorce, as opposed to being the reason there's no chance they could get back together. She's being pretty restrained if that's really what she thinks. It's also not really unreasonable for her to tell the children to focus on their time with her when they're with her and not mention you and their dad all the time, and vice versa. How do you know that hasn't changed? Have you guys done anything to try and test it?

Report
TheMaddHugger · 22/07/2017 03:17

((((((((Hugs))))))) OP and ((((((((((Hugs)))))))) for the kids that you love

and she isn't being realistic.I hope intime she takes a less harsh reaction

Report
patchworkyogapants · 22/07/2017 03:25

YANBU

It's been years.

She really needs to accept her marriage ended, and that you played no part in that, and move on.

If I am reading your post right, you didn't begin to form a relationship with the kids until a year in, therefore making sure you were serious about one another first. It's not like you went diving in head first trying to take over her role as their Mother.

If it was still a new set up, I could understand, but it's been 4 years. It's not healthy for her to still be so awkward and difficult about you especially when you haven't done anything wrong and weren't even on the scene when they split up.

It's fair enough if she doesn't want to have long deep chats with you, or hear the ins and outs of what the kids have done with you, it might still be upsetting if she wishes her marriage worked out, but she needs to think of the awkward position she puts her kids in by banning all talk about you and refusing to look at you or 'allow' you to do drop offs.

I would have a chat with your DP, and if possible just take some control. No need to be confrontational or anything, but just little things like if it is more convenient for you to pick them up or take them home, then do. If she has a problem with it, it's kinda tough. She can't insist your DP always drops everything when every so often it may just be more sensible for you to run them home.

There's nothing you can do about the way she is with her kids about you, but hopefully they can see she is being silly to not let them talk about you and in time she will chill out a bit.

Report
Shankarankalina · 22/07/2017 03:40

Even if she accepts that you were not the reason they didn't reconcile, she may very reasonably struggle with the fact that he found someone 'new' to have a new life with. This is a reality for many separated people; even if a reconciliation was not on the cards, witnessing an ex-partner creating a new future can be extremely difficult to accept, even more so if it means the new partner is 'parenting' the children of the relationship on an eow basis.

If you can respect her discomfort and distance, I think it would be the right thing to do. I am often baffled on Mumsnet by some posters who insist it's 'time to move on' when ex partners find new partners, because I personally am dreading the prospect of our children forming attachments with my ex's girlfriend and I will hate having to deal with that.

Given you are getting married, I am sure that heightens the emotions all round, but if anything, it may well be the case that your impending marriage increases her feeling of loss/anger/coldness.

Please tread kindly where her feelings are involved. I am not suggesting you are not kind, but hoping to give you some possible context for her struggle.

Report
SabineUndine · 22/07/2017 06:12

I'd guess she thinks that when your DP left her he knew you were available, although he didn't leave her for you.

Report
Mummyoflittledragon · 22/07/2017 06:43

She is behaving unfairly towards. She is the children's mother so I would try to accept the way she is. She is obviously very unhappy. You cannot control her behaviour. All you can do is support the children in this difficult situation and help your fiancée to be the best dad to his children he can.

Report
Mummyoflittledragon · 22/07/2017 06:44

That is towards YOU.

Report
DressedCrab · 22/07/2017 07:04

She's very selfish to put her feelings before the well-being of her children. They will work this out for themselves and judge her. As long as your relationship with them is good leave her to drown in her bitterness.

Report
Lucysky2017 · 22/07/2017 07:06

I don't see it as a problem at all. Why would they need to chat to her about you? I certainly don't mind my children talking about their step mother but we never need to meet and there is no reason I would ever communicate with her (although I've no objection to that) and my chidlren's father stopped communicating with me as soon as one at 7 years old was bright enough to operate email! Even the visits have been arranged without me since then whichi s really weird but that is how some men (and women) are after divorce (he didn't want a divorce so I suppose he just doesn't like any contact with me at all).

If he has flu and cannot drive you can just put them in a taxi or get a relative or friend to bring them over.

Report
Voiceforreason · 22/07/2017 07:14

I agree that many people would find it difficult when their ex found a new happiness and they were maybe still grieving for what was lost. I am sure it must be like a bereavement when a relationship breaks down.

You have appproached your relationship with the children carefully and thoughtfully and are clearly a caring person. Personally I would leave things exactly as they are. Currently your dp sees his children regularly and you are able to be a happy part of their lives too. My advice would be keep doing things in the same way and let time do it's job. It may be that there is never any contact between you and the ex but as long as the children feel happy and loved that is all that matters. Good luck.

Report
Whatsername17 · 22/07/2017 07:20

My bils mum had a similar attitude. Except the step mum was the ow. She spoke to the step mum for the first time at sil and Bils wedding because all four of her children told her she must not cause tension at the wedding. If you got together months after their marriage ended, chances are she thinks more happened before their marriage was over. Her youngest child was only 1. Not saying it's right, but might explain her actions.

Report
OllyBJolly · 22/07/2017 07:23

Agree - don't see an issue. You can't force anyone to have a relationship with you. You don't know her - and you don't really know what goes on in their house. She might have no bad attitude towards you at all, and just very difficult for her that her family is broken and all the hopes and wishes she once held are dashed.

For the record, DC's stepmum was the OW and a lovely woman. I had very little to do with her - just no need. I know she loves my children deeply and is a far more positive role model for them than their DF is.

Report
paradoxicalInterruption · 22/07/2017 07:28

It's all a little short sighted on her part. Sounds like you in for the long haul and theres going to be family events in the future where, for everyone's sakes, it'll be easier if you can be in the same room.

Weddings, graduations,christenings.

Is there anyone who can have a quiet gentle word with her? In laws or a family friend?

Otherwise you'll be on here in twenty years time because she won't go to one of your step children's weddings if you are there...

Report
user1492528619 · 22/07/2017 07:30

It's hard OP, but what is important is the children. They sound like they have a fantastic step mum. There is some brilliant advice given, such as the staggered introductions but if she persists to be difficult there's not much you can do, except focus on your relationship with the children.

One day they will be old enough to remember how difficult their mum made their childhood and how they couldn't share such a big part of their lives. So many adults I know feel resentment towards their mother/father because of this. Even if she never changes, those kids know who loves them.

Report
sandgrown · 22/07/2017 07:33

My son's GF was not allowed to be in the car when he dropped his son off even after a few years together. The ex then met someone who she has since married (DS just had to accept this man in his son's life! )The ex has now changed her tune and has asked her son why his dad's girlfriend does not come with him???

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

AvoidingCallenetics · 22/07/2017 07:43

I think you should stay out of it. Let your dp handle arrangements for their children.
I agree that children should be allowed to discuss all aspects of their lives freely with both parents but it sounds as if she thinks you were the OW so would prefer not to hear about you. You can't really change that, I don't think.
Her youngest was only 1 when her husband left and then found a replacement pretty quickly. I can see why she is pissed off. Not your fault but she is entitled to not want to see you or hear about you. She is already having to share her children with you and it is a situation she didn't choose and didn't want. Put yourself in her shoes and consider how you would feel if in a couple of years time if it was you.

Report
Cuppaoftea · 22/07/2017 07:51

YABU. They had three children aged between 4 and only 1, still a baby, when you got together. That was not a marriage that had been over long.

I don't think it's surprising she's never wanted anything to do with you. The children are what matters and by the sounds of it their parents co parent well, you'd be foolish to rock the boat.

If your DP was a single parent he'd have had to get out of bed to do everything for the children from morning until night regardless of how ill he was.

Report
GirlcalledJames · 22/07/2017 07:53

It's dangerous to drive with flu, as reaction times are slowed. That kind of thing should be a boundary.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.