AIBU to think MIL and BIL taking advantage?

[Yorkshirelass453]

I am still dwelling on this and want to know whether I am justified in repeatedly getting mad when I think about it. My DH and I both work and have one DD -14. DH works very hard and often away from home in order to provide for us - we do have a nice home and cars however have made a lot of sacrifices to have what we have - hours away from home working, having only one child, no holidays etc. Recently it was my BIL birthday. BIL lives very close to MIL and she paid for the deposit for his house (didn't do this for us when we bought our first house). DH suggest a number of restaurants the 5 of us could go to which would be suitable but BIL said they were all rubbish and insisted we all went to a very expensive restaurant in the city centre. We knew this would be expensive but wanted to do what he wanted to do for his birthday. DH then told MIL where we were going and she threw a fit saying it was too expensive. She is retired, not worked for 45 years and lives very well on pensions with no expenses such as mortgage. DH spoke to BIL and told him what she had said and they agreed to cover some of cost of her between them. Lovely meal was had and when the bill came £190 MIL just looked at DH and made no move to get any money out at all or even say anything. BIL got out all he had £40!!! So we were left will a bill for £150. At this point MIL said very loudly - it's your birthday (to BIL) you shouldn't pay. So in the end DH paid for it all. I just feel DH is repeatedly taken advantage of and it is presumed we will pay for them as we have some money....... MIL also complained when went back to work when DD was 9 months old as we needed the money.......AIBU to be angry?

[Yorkshirelass453]

Can I also point out BIL ordered the most expensive thing on the menu and a number of beers - his offered £40 didn't even cover his meal.

[SouthWindsWesterly]

YANBU

BIL is the golden child. You'll know for next time - don't go out for a meal again. Give him a happy meal

[ajandjjmum]

Totally sympathise. DH's family say all he thinks about is work and money (which shows how little they know him, as he is the least money orientated person I know, although a bit of a workaholic!), and yet who's the first person they come to if they need financial help, and always expect him to pick up the tab.

Taken us 30 years, but we're getting wise to it now!

[EssieTregowan]

YANBU. They have you pigeonholed as the wealthy ones.

Although, do I just live somewhere super expensive? £50ph sounds reasonable to me rather than pricey.

[GreenTulips]

Yes - lesson learnt -

Just say no - unless it's DHs birthday and they return the compliment

[Donttouchthethings]

It seems that too many people think that 'family' are people you can take the utter piss of. I would ask myself what I'm actually getting from the relationship and take it from there.

[Yorkshirelass453]

EssieTregowan.

Nope £50 wasn't super expensive - DH and I didn't drink alcohol and I had a set menu which was much cheaper. It was the f*cking Lobster tails order by BIL that push up the costs.

DH does think BIL is golden child and it really hurts DH. Especially as he is the only one to gave given her a grandchild and did what he was expected to do by going to university etc etc.. BIL is 40 and still moves from one dead end job to another whilst smoking dubious substances......DH can't win!

[EssieTregowan]

In that case that would have given me the rage. Cheeky fucker.

[DJBaggySmalls]

I cut my losses from this kind of bull and walked away, and have never regretted it. If your DH decides to do that, support him.

[QuiteLikely5]

This type of behaviour only happens because you allow it to.

Time to put your foot down or keep quiet.

Bil and Mil saw you coming a mile off. Wise up because yes some people really are that cheeky and sneaky

[Donttouchthethings]

it really hurts DH. Especially as he is the only one to gave given her a grandchild and did what he was expected to do by going to university etc etc.. BIL is 40 and still moves from one dead end job to another whilst smoking dubious substances

Oo, you're clouding the issue now. Your bil's life choices are not your business.

You simply need to decide how you want to handle future meal invitations, given you've been expected to pay for everyone. Maybe next time have a picnic and assign dishes/games for everyone to bring.

[Rafflesway]

YADNBU! 😡😡😡

[Justhadmyhaircut]

Note to self - birthday /Xmas it's cards only from now on.

[Yorkshirelass453]

Thank you all - glad I am not a selfish mare! I'm happy to share but not be taken the mickey out of.

I'd have preferred a Pizza Express anyway - DD definitely would have enjoyed it more - less 'mank on plate' as she described it!"

[Yorkshirelass453]

Sorry about the 'smoking' comment; just getting mad thinking about the situation. Childish...........

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

Your DH doesn't have to engage with this sort of nonsense with BIL, I know that he has probably been conditioned to do so, so it's hard to resist. Next year he can just wish him happy birthday and not suggest anything, maybe write this one off as a big 'zero' birthday as you say your BIL is forty. I bet your BIL has never paid for a birthday meal for your DH in his life, probably hasn't even bought him a birthday beer.

Remind your DH that he is actually the lucky one not being the golden child. He had to grow up and be independent, and now he has a job, a family and strength of character.

I'm not saying that the situation isn't annoying, of course it would be better if your MIL was a better parent and had helped both of her children grow to be real adults. She has let both of them down in different ways. But between being the one who had to make their own way in the world and the one who was taught that he never had to take responsibility for himself or his actions, your BIL will be the worse off long term. It's probably too late for your BIL to learn new ways now, but that doesn't mean that your DH is responsible for him or owes him in anyway.

[BogQueens]

Yes, of course they were rude and presumptuous. But I'm not sure it matters in the scheme of things how you arrived at your money, whether you've made enormous sacrifices for it or not -- whereas you seem to be suggesting that you should receive slightly special treatment because of the sacrifices you've made for your income.

Are you saying you would have felt less exploited at dinner if you had worked less hard, if your money came from an inheritance, or lucking out on the property market? Or that your MIL was unreasonable to give your BIL money for a house deposit, and not you, even though you had the money to buy yourselves and he (presumably) didn't?

This doesn't make their behaviour at the dinner any less rude and entitled, but from their POV, you are the comparatively wealthy ones. Are they obliged to take your sacrifices into account? Do they even recognise them as sacrifices -- I have one child by choice and went back to work six months after I had him because I wanted to, so I suppose those wouldn't code automatically to me as 'sacrifices'.

And are all those sacrifices no holidays, lots of work travel, one child if you really wanted more, long hours really worth it? You don't sound entirely sure.

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

Ah Goldenchild™ yeah good luck with that. Can you tell I'm not one 😂

I'd be busy next year busy working as it seems BIL dinners don't pay for themselves the cheeky git

[Yorkshirelass453]

BogQueens

The point I was making is that we have made sacrifices to have a nice house and cars - we don't have a lot of disposable income after the bills have been paid. Meals out are a treat - not the norm.

I don't regret any decision we have made and I am proud of us for the life we have made.

[astrantiamajor]

We stopped going out with my brother for the same reason. He is financially much better off than us. He suggested we go out for my Mother's birthday. When we get to the restaurant he has his two adult working sons with him.

All 4 ot them were drinking expensive wine and spirits. None of the rest of us drink. When the bill came he said to me we will just split in in half shall we. So while I was expecting a meal at about £30 a head and paying £90. I paid over £200. Both my nephews sat on their hands. To cal it all my mother told everyone how wonder my brother was taking us all out for a meal.

[BeepBeepMOVE]

Just take the money off of what you will spend on future xmas and birthday presents for them.

Also mention how much DH is looking forward to being treated by BIL on his birthday.

[MiniAlphaBravo]

This doesn't sound very fair and sounds like BIL is a chancer. In my book he should pay if he invited everyone out. Also I don't like it when people seem to forget they have a card they can pay with.

However, you sound so earnest in that you work so hard, don't holiday, have only one child, don't drink etc... blah blah blah. I suspect you are very tight with money and you sound prerty boring tbh!!

Maybe just lighten up and use some of that hard earned cash for a holiday rather than squirreling it away!

[BogQueens]

I understand the point you're making, Yorkshire, but it's possible your ILs don't view your choices as sacrifices (unless they're actually living in your pockets, or understand that you chose to limit your number of children on financial grounds), or simply don't know that you have little disposable income, because what they see from the outside is two parents working long hours, one child who is old enough not to need childcare, a nice house, cars etc.

I know my ILs are baffled that we both work in demanding, comparatively well-paid professional jobs and have only one child, but don't live in a McMansion with glittery chandeliers and go on luxury cruises. It doesn't make sense to them.

[19lottie82]

YANBU, BUT..........

If it was BIL's birthday, I wouldn't have expected him to pay for his own birthday meal, or chip in for anyone elses.

You should have insisted on somewhere cheaper if your MIL made it clear she couldn't afford it.

Although i do appreciated that BIL agreed to chip in for MIL's meal before the event. Maybe he thought he would be covering his share as it was his birthday?

[madcapcat]

Mini alpha bravo - what on earth is wrong with OP saying that they've made sacrifices including holidays etc in order to have a nice house? And why should that automatically mean she's tight instead of living within her means?