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AIBU?

To say that step daughter can walk to our house

300 replies

youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 12:04

I'm being brave posting here, but I just thought sod it.

I am married to DH. He cannot drive. I have a DS who is 12 (soon to be 13) and a DSD who is 14, almost 15. DS and DSD go to the same school.

DSD lives with her mum, which is almost a mile from our house (0.9 miles to be precise).

DSD stays with us two nights a week, Wednesday and Saturday. Because she is a teenager she doesn't really want to come on a Wednesday but her mum stays at her boyfriend's on a Wednesday night so DSD stays with us.

DSD will not communicate what time she is coming to our house, whether this is on a Saturday or a Wednesday. On a Saturday she just texts when she is ready to be collected. I have to do the collecting because she doesn't like walking and if I said I wasn't picking her up then it is likely that she would not come at all. On a Wednesday her mum drops her off with us and collects her at 7am so that she can get ready for school.

DSD has recently decided that she wants to go home earlier on a Sunday (usually in the morning) but will not give us a time. So, for example last week her dad was asking her what her plans were for that day. She just did not respond and kept shrugging her shoulders. I eventually said to her that we just needed to know so that we could plan what we were doing for the rest of the day. We weren't trying to get rid of her because she could have come with us to where we were going but we knew that she wanted to go home. She just wouldn't give us a time. This happens every weekend.

Yesterday morning DH text DSD to see if she was coming tonight. She did not respond until 7pm to ask if I could pick her up on my way home from work. I had plans to work late tonight as we are short staffed. I asked DH why she couldn't just walk to our house after school but apparently I can just pick her up on my way home, no matter what time this is.

My DS walks everywhere and I almost never drive him anywhere, unless it is chucking it down and it's dark outside. Last Friday morning (DSD stayed on Thursday night as well as Wednesday and her mum could not pick her up on Friday morning) DS left home at 7.40 to walk to school with his female friend who is in the same year as DSD. DSD stayed with me and I had to drop her at home before I went to work.

I get on very well with DSD and I have no problem with her staying whenever she wants, even if this were full time. She's great fun and I like her a lot. I just want her to be more independent and I want DH to stop enabling her not to walk anywhere.

AIBU to be getting fed up with being used as a taxi?

OP posts:
ThePants999 · 19/07/2017 12:11

Less than a mile? And she's 14? I don't understand why you EVER drive her.

youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 12:13

I pick her up and drop her off because I kind of know that if I didn't then she wouldn't come and DH would be upset (probably with me)

OP posts:
Justhadmyhaircut · 19/07/2017 12:15

I bet when she is out with her friends she is prepared to walk more than 0.9 m??
Tell dh the taxi service has closed. .
She - and him are taking the piss.
He is free to learn to drive and put up a TAXI sign if he wishes. .

MonaTheMoaner · 19/07/2017 12:15

YANBU. Less than a mile at 14 is absolutely something she should be undertaking herself. It's not like it's freezing cold and chucking it down with rain and it's not like you'd mind every once in a while but this is too much.

sweetbitter · 19/07/2017 12:16

I think next time she texts for collecting at the last minute your DH should go on foot to get her and walk back with her. If you do that a few times maybe she'll start to get the message about giving more notice if she wants a lift with you.

Hissy · 19/07/2017 12:16

Your H can go and get her, surely?

or your DS even?

she sounds a bit of a 'one'

Hotwaterbottle1 · 19/07/2017 12:17

You are not being unreasonable. Just stop it unless she commits to a time and it's convenient!

araiwa · 19/07/2017 12:19

Just pick her up on your way home Confused

Ifailed · 19/07/2017 12:21

why cant your DH walk there and escort her back?

youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 12:23

I don't know... it just pisses me off that DH, DSD and to a much lesser extent DH's exgf assumes I'll do all of the drop off and pick ups. It would be easier if I was given a bit more notice but no consideration is ever given to the fact that it might be putting me out and making me change my plans.

OP posts:
themauvehen · 19/07/2017 12:25

Agree that everyone apart from you is being unreasonable!

Does your son notice the difference? His step sister gets chauffeur driven on a whim and he doesn't?

We had this and my dp suggested I just start chauffeuring my ds round to even things out.

Ridiculous.

youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 12:26

DH would walk to get her but then I look like a right cow sitting at home with my car sat outside while he walks almost two miles (there and back) to collect her. Which I totally appreciate is my issue.

I am collecting her today after work but DH asked me for a time this morning, which I cannot give as I am working late and I have no idea what time I will finish.

DS won't collect her. He sees it that he has to walk and he doesn't see why she doesn't.

OP posts:
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 12:29

themauvehen My DS likes to walk everywhere but I suspect he does get a bit pissed off with the double standards.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 19/07/2017 12:29

YANBU. It's not even particularly relevant that you're a blended family. Just start being less available. Definitely don't hang around on a weekend morning waiting to jump when she says how high.

SapphireStrange · 19/07/2017 12:33

I pick her up and drop her off because I kind of know that if I didn't then she wouldn't come and DH would be upset (probably with me)

Your DH is the problem and you need to tell him so.

Tell him you're no longer going to jump whenever she can be bothered to text; she can be picked up at an arranged time (if you want to do that; personally I wouldn't) or she can walk or make other arrangements.

Man up a bit.

JuicyStrawberry · 19/07/2017 12:34

Your H can go and get her, surely?

or your DS even?

she sounds a bit of a 'one'

Why would her DS go and get her? Confused
He's 12!

WorraLiberty · 19/07/2017 12:36

So to cut a very long story short, you're asking if YABU not to want to pick your DSD up because you have plans to work late, and anyway she lives near enough to walk?

No, of course YANBU.

If your non driving DH thinks you are, he needs to give his head a wobble.

MikeUniformMike · 19/07/2017 12:38

Is there any reason why your DH can't drive?

happypoobum · 19/07/2017 12:42

You really do need to stop this now.

Tell DH if it's so much of an issue then he will have to learn to drive.

If he is upset with you, so what? You sound like a bit of a doormat.

BraveBear · 19/07/2017 12:43

It's the kind of issue you're best off dealing with one step at a time. If you're working late and your get "the call" tell your DH to order her a taxi. Make it slightly inconvenient.

If she won't tell you what time she needs to be picked up/dropped off, just make your plans, if she misses out she misses out. She won't suddenly change while everything is just as she wants it. Put some of the inconvenience on her and her attitude will adjust.

youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 12:44

I'll give an example to show how annoying this is. Every Saturday morning I ask DH what time DSD is coming. He texts her. No reply. We then can't plan to do anything on a Saturday because she "might" want to come at 2pm/4pm/6pm/not at all. She's decided she's not coming as late as 6pm, by which time the day has been wasted.

On a Sunday we have no idea what time she wants to go home. So DH sits there cajoling her into giving us an answer, which sometimes takes two hours.

DS usually goes out with his mates at 10/11am and comes home at 5.30 for his tea. So we can plan around him in terms of what me and DH do at the weekend.

OP posts:
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 12:47

I know I'm being weak and ineffectual here. I just wondered if I was BU to put my foot down. I did say this morning that if she keeps not telling me what she is doing then she can walk. This was met with a disapproving silence. Apparently because she's a girl it's different to DS walking everywhere.

OP posts:

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happypoobum · 19/07/2017 12:48

Well from that update, you and DH sounds like a pair of wet lettuces. Really pathetic, your poor DS I feel so sorry for him.

You text her and tell her you are going out for the day and can pick her up at X time or Y time, if not, she will have to walk. YOU STICK TO IT!!!!

On Sunday you say I am off to XYZ ( make it up if you have to) so can take you now, otherwise you will have to walk.

This really isn't complex, I have no idea how you have got yourselves into this ridiculous situation.

Goingtobeawesome · 19/07/2017 12:48

If she refuses to see her dad and brother because she doesn't get a lift then that's her choice.

Next time she's with you tell her she isn't helping by refusing to say what her plans are and no more will you sit around waiting for her decisions.

Gemini69 · 19/07/2017 12:48

Stop being a Taxi x

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