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I really was accidentally unreasonable (I think)

(16 Posts)
DoubleCarrick Mon 17-Jul-17 23:11:27

Met up with a family member today with my baby Ds. I broke the news to her about my pregnancy but was pretty flippant about it (I'm bloody excited but downplaying things as secretly and stupidly I'm embarrassed about there only being a 13 month age gap when new baby arrives).

She later confided in me about fertility problems. I thought they were only beginning to think about trying but apparently she had an ovulation blood test twelve months ago and is having one next week as she's been TTC for a while now.

I feel shit that I downplayed my pregnancy, that I joked about it "only taking the once" (it did only take the once, I recognise I'm fortunate but joked to hide my awkwardness).

She didn't seem bothered and was very philosophical about it all "what ever will be will be" and I do think she does feel this way (also said she never wanted kids up to this point so always expected to be a two rather than a three).

Now I feel like a bitch though blush

NellieFiveBellies Mon 17-Jul-17 23:13:28

did you say what you said knowing her situation and wanting to hurt her?
no.
you arent a bitch.

jemsywemsy Mon 17-Jul-17 23:16:11

You weren't to know and the fact that she felt comfortable sharing it with you afterwards suggests that she isn't upset with you about it. Don't beat yourself up.

DoubleCarrick Mon 17-Jul-17 23:21:40

She's the named guardian for my son if anything happens to me and dh. I'd feel gutted if I'd upset her. She's started to talk about thinking about kids but I didn't realise they were actively TTC.

I feel guilty because I've conceived three babies very easily (first one I lost at 11+6) and I'm now 11 weeks into my third pregnancy

Ginkypig Mon 17-Jul-17 23:21:48

You weren't to know, you can elaborate next time the both of you chat tell her what you have said in your post and apologies for your flippancy.

DoubleCarrick Mon 17-Jul-17 23:22:21

I just want her to be able to conceive too. Maybe I'm upset for her

Gemini69 Mon 17-Jul-17 23:42:27

good gracious ... what a shame... you really did nothing wrong lovely.. you were being flippant about yourself without realising her issues.... I'm sure she's a bit sad but happy for you ...

oh and Congratulations lol x

Beeziekn33ze Mon 17-Jul-17 23:51:05

What Gemini just posted!

NotTheQueen Tue 18-Jul-17 00:20:49

I'm infertile, my fault unfortunately. I'm delighted when any of my friends and/or family are happily pregnant, and equally I've held hands with a sister and two friends through abortions as I am firmly pro-choice. I'm not envious or jealous, although perhaps a little wistful sometimes. It's obviously not on the same scale, but almost in the same way as you'd look at their new home, or gorgeous figure or hear of their promotion... I certainly don't begrudge anyone joy, and I'm sure if the two of you are as close as it sounds, she'll recognise that your comments were lighthearted, not flippant.
Enjoy your pregnancy and the new addition to the family!

AutumnalLeaves38 Tue 18-Jul-17 00:26:08

Agree with all the previous comments posted, OP.

The fact you're even concerned you might have inadvertently hit a nerve shows you're a thoughtful, sensitive friend...assuming you're usually like that, she would know you'd be the very last person to say anything intentionally hurtful, I would guess!

Very sorry you experienced the loss of your first baby.
I can imagine you're dealing with all manner of emotions right now?
Huge congratulations on both subsequent babies, present and forthcoming.
Here's to a smooth, straightforward pregnancy. flowers

AutumnalLeaves38 Tue 18-Jul-17 00:28:06

^ sorry...meant "family member and friend"

DoubleCarrick Tue 18-Jul-17 08:05:00

Thank you all, you've really reassured me. Sometimes I doubt myself - not so long ago someone took offense at something entirely innocent that I said and I lost a friendship over it so I'm always worrying about what I say these days

Purplemac Tue 18-Jul-17 08:37:20

It's really sweet of you to be so worried but if she's been struggling with her fertility long enough for her to have had a blood test 12 months ago, she has probably heard a lot worse from people who mean a lot less to her (and I'm saying this as someone who cannot have children). If she hadn't told you she was TTC until now, she will not expect you to have always been sensitive - sounds like she was probably TTC when you conceived your DS too. Some people are very private about these things, and that's perfectly OK, but the downside to being private about it is that people will say things that might upset you. She will be aware of that.

Just to clarify I am not putting any blame on her here, or saying that it's all fine because she would have heard worse - that's not what I believe. It probably did sting a bit when you told her, especially as you were flippant about it, but if she is a good enough friend to be the named guardian for your child then that sting won't have lasted for long and she will be happy for you. Did you explain to her that you were sorry if it came across as flippant, you never would have done that if you'd known, and that actually you do appreciate that your pregnancy is a blessing?

It's horrible being infertile but it's also horrible having infertile friends. I am very "what will be will be" too just like your friend, but my best friends have all been very upset and emotional at my infertility! So flowers for you and flowers for your friend.

DoubleCarrick Tue 18-Jul-17 08:58:33

I didn't apologise for being flippant but it was a new conversation by then. She said that it's only really a new thing imagining that they might have kids and they feel blessed to have the children in their lives that they do already.

Incidentally I guess I should get over my embarrassment about having two with such a close age gap we've literally only done it twice since 6mo ds was born!

2014newme Tue 18-Jul-17 09:04:30

Speaking as someone who has had fertility issues the 'only took once' comment was crass. That's not downplaying a pregnancy it's being thoughtless that other people may not be in the same position as you.

cluelessnewmum Tue 18-Jul-17 09:51:54

You weren't a bitch but it was a tactless comment, and hopefully you've learned from it. You never know who has had/is having fertility problems (but it us very common, I think one in 4 couples do) so it is better not to make those sort of comments as it does sound like gloating (even if you didn't mean it that way).

I have had fertility problems, I'm pregnant now happily but I'm very careful what I say as I suspect a couple of my friends are having issues conceiving.

It's the sort of thing people don't really think about until they've had fertility problems themselves so I'm not blaming you personally, I just wish that generally people were more informed.

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