Would you let family know that you DON'T want them raising your children if you die?

[TempUser1234]

More of a WWYD but posting here for traffic. Regular poster but nc for this in case the relevant parties are on here. Cancel the cheque, penis beaker etc.

DH and I have 3 DCs all under 6 and have set up our wills so that should anything happen to both of us leaving the children without their parents, a family friend and her DH will become their legal guardians. They will be financially taken care of should we die and our friends who parent similarly and share the same values will love them fiercely and raise them as their own. We have a reciprocal arrangement in that if anything happened to our friends, their kids would also come to us. It's a relief to know that above all they would be loved and cared for and safe.

For various reasons we are adamant that we do not want our kids to go to either my or DH's family though there would ideally be lots of contact. It came to light recently though that one of my family members seems to think of my kids as "her own". To me, these are just words and not backed up by any action. I really would not want her to influence them, let alone raise them.

This has got me thinking. Do we make it known now what are plans are in case the worst happens and our friends and children don't have the additional trauma of having to deal with that? Or given that we're not ill and the chances of something happening are minimal, should I just stay quiet knowing that it's unlikely to be an issue?

I'm not normally fatalistic like this but since this conversation with my relative, it's really been on my mind. WWYD?

[purpleshortcake]

Hmm difficult one. If you raise this now it would likely cause a lot of hurt and distress and possibly tension with your family. However I know to my cost (being widowed due to a car accident aged 34) that the unlikely CAN happen. My suggestion would be you leave a carefully worded letter to your family with your will focussing on the reasons you want your friends to be guardians (rather than why you DON'T want your family to take on that role). I have no idea whether your family could try and fight taking guardianship of the children..did you have this checked out by a solicitor when you made your wills?

[Loopytiles]

Unrealistic to hope that anyone will love and raise your DC "as their own" IMO: people can only do their best and may or may not do well as guardians in very difficult circumstances.

I might well say nothing, but make sure the wills were as "watertight" as possible and clearly explain the reasons for your choice and for NOT choosing the relatives.

[carefreeeee]

Tricky. A friend of mine had the opposite thing where her brother assumed she would want to look after his child should anything happen to him/his wife, but my friend, who really wants children to the extent that she is adopting, for some reason does not want the responsibility of her brother's child. That caused a bit of angst in the family!

I think I'd probably not mention it as it's so unlikely to ever happen. The family members shouldn't really assume they would be your top choice anyway and you have made things clear in wills so it shouldn't be in any doubt if it actually did happen

[Hotheadwheresthecoldbath]

I put these arrangement in when I made my will they also have oversight of her monetary affairs until she 21.

[DoubleCarrick]

I'm in the same situation although my son will be going to a cousin on my husband's side. I've explained to my mum why he will be going to them and not my brother so at least someone will fight my corner when I'm gone

[Twitchingdog]

Please remember people get divorce. We had a couple pick out and everything before we go of round to the will they were divorce. Woman move on fast had own family. Man went traveling for years end up marry a much younger women and only just had kids . My kids are now grown .

[Loopytiles]

A sibling of DH's has put Dh and I down as guardians for their 3 DC. DH was consulted but not me, but in any case would be very hard to say no! I struggle very much with my own DC and am not at all close to the family DC and in fact dislike spending time with them. Saying how I feel would upset the family members and DH big time.

Should the worst happen I would find it difficult to do a good job and might fail, or have to leave DH rather than fail the family DC.

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

I guess it depends whether you plan to tell the dc. Our dc have asked and so we have told them that if anything happened then would look after them. We have mentioned it to the family but were able to frame it that they would find it hard to uproot and move their families whereas guardian doesn't have children and would just look after our dc where we live so more continuity. They were actually fine we decided to tell them so it wasn't a shock.

[WhatWouldTheDoctorDo]

I wouldn't and actually haven't. I love my siblings and DH's dearly, but they wouldn't give DC the upbringing we want. A close friend who doesn't have children is the named guardian and she knows that we haven't told our family and is fine with it. She adores DC and would provide the best childhood (and facilitate a close relationship with family) in our absence. Our family would take it very badly and there's no point upsetting them for something that may not happen. I know close friend will absolutely stick up for our wishes and protect DC from any fallout.

[itsatiggerday]

We are named guardians for the children of some friends. We were happy to agree on condition that they told their families. The trauma of the children in that situation is only going to be exacerbated if the families respond in anger / hurt to guardianship or worse, there is actually a legal challenge to the arrangements. Avoiding the hornets nest yourselves essentially lands your children in the middle of it and your friends dealing with it, just as everyone is handling the situation itself.

We articulated the reasons to family positively, as purple highlighted, for our own arrangements. Not everyone was happy but they've got over it, and discussing it we were also able to make clear that we and the nominated guardians were committed to making sure that family relationships were maintained as strongly as possible, which in essence is their fear.

[JohnLapsleyParlabane]

We have done similar and have mentioned it to family. We thought long and hard about it, and eventually chose the most appropriate 'family' environment for DC, it just happens to be with people who are not blood relations.

[lalalalyra]

Just bear in mind that you can't will your children.

You can lay out who you'd like your children to go too, and if there's no disagreement then that is likely to be adhered too. However if it went to court then the people the court believed to be in the best interests of the child would be who was chosen.

So your best bet if you are doing something that could cause issues is to make sure you leave very clear details about why you've chosen as you have so that any court/judge will know your reasons and be more likely to carry out your wishes. Depending on their ages the children's views would also be taken into account if appropriate. It's not as simple as lacing details of what is to happen.

In regard to saying something or not one thing to consider is that if it is likely to be controversial and cause lots of problems then that could be something that's happening at the very worst time.

[MikeUniformMike]

Don't say anything. The relative who sees your children as her own is deluded.

[HicDraconis]

We didn't initially and it caused mayhem when DH's mother found out (accidentally).

She was extremely shocked and hurt that we would consider asking a close friend (the equivalent of a godmother except as we aren't religious, the boys were never christened) to look after our children over her. She actually wrote a very nasty letter to DH about it, outlining just how upset and hurt she was. It reinforced our opinion to be honest.

For various reasons (practical / geographical / financial) our close friend is just better situated to take care of the boys if we can't. I adore my siblings and their partners & children but they aren't able to move to the other side of the world and we don't want the boys uprooted from the only home they can remember.

I would make it known - not in a big "we have something important to discuss" way, but in a matter of fact way. If only to prevent the fallout of them finding out accidentally or even worse, the wills being needed and then your family trying to contest them legally. If you make it clear these are your express wishes, it's harder for the family to go against them.

[Aquamarine1029]

There is absolutely no reason or benefit to tell your family any of this. Make sure you have an ironclad will and it will be taken care of.

[Groupie123]

Even with a will it's possible for close family to take custody of kids over non-related people and so you need to take good legal advice.

[AtHomeDadGlos]

I have the opposite. We put my SIL and her husband down. He then had a blazing row with my DW when staying with us at New Year which resulted in him storming off. All over an innocuous comment that if I'd made he would have laughed at.

It's made us both reassess the situation as we wouldn't want our daughter being overly influenced. SIL, however, is great.

[Loopytiles]

"There is absolutely no reason or benefit to tell your family any of this."

Unless the worst happens, in which case it would have been of great benefit to the DC, new guardians and disappointed family, and perhaps help avoid conflict and stressful, costly legal dispute.

[oldtrees]

We have a similar arrangement and I would never tell my family they'd be too hurt. It's a small chance so not worth it, why stir that up?

How about writing them a letter to be read only if the worst happens and giving It to your solicitor to keep with your will (is you will stored at a solicitors? Many do this for free).

[caffeinestream]

Please don't put grieving and traumatised children in the middle of a fight over who will care for them. You might not be around to deal with the consequences but they'll be living them!

[hooochycoo]

My sister did this to me. Rang me up to tell me that if she died her will said that her children would be going to a friend of hers. I love my three nieces and nephews so much and would have them
In a heartbeat. I was incredibly hurt. Compounded by the fact that she wanted me to promise that I'd oppose any move by their father ( divorced from my sister) to take custody of them. Even though he's a good dad and there's no reason why he shouldn't look after his children. Apart from the fact that my sister hates him

[Plsadvise]

Our children will go to a family friend who they know well "godless godparents" and not actual family if the worst happened.

My parents know (they are too old to want to take this on themselves) but we've never discussed with my sister or my partner's brother (who would be the most likely options that a court would look at).

Is there someone else in the family you can mention it too?

I would also frame it as "I don't want x to lose their aunt/uncle/grandparent relationships at the same time as losing us" rather than a whole list of what is wrong with their parenting!

[nooka]

My sister decided on three different guardians for her children, none of whom were from our side of the family (two were friends, the other BILs sister), and explained to my parents and my siblings why she made that choice. We are all close to her and all love her children and did feel a little hurt but agreed that her reasons were very sound and best for each child. If we'd only found out on her/BILs death we would have been very very upset about it as well as (obviously) grieving, and while we wouldn't have contested the decision it would have been really difficult.

[GelfBride]

When you make this document, add in all the reasons why you do not deem it suitable for either sets of parents to have the kids. It would make it a lot harder for a court to turn over if you had written and signed as to why.