AIBU or is she?(88 Posts)
My husband is working overseas just now so I visited my sister and her husband for a few days. On one of the evenings, they invited some friends round for a small get together. These are also people I have known for years through my sister. One of the girls there has a particularly attractive husband and (please don't flame me for saying this) he is significantly better looking than his partner at first glance although I've always found his wife very warm to people, she has a lovely smile and she's very confident and so becomes someone that you'd be quite drawn to. Once getting to know them both, it's easy to see why there would be a strong mutual attraction between them.
Anyway. At the gathering I sat down at the table where a few others were sitting and was opposite her dh. He started up conversation and it moved onto sport. I love sport and have a few brothers who always had me out playing football, tennis and god knows what with them. Anyway, we were having a bit of sport related banter and his wife came over and basically stood behind him and started rubbing her hands all over his shoulders whilst staring at me. I feel this doesn't sound so bad and could have been innocent but I am confident this was her way of saying "he's mine". Now, I'm happily married and a mother of two young boys and have absolutely no interest in any other person, let alone her husband. They are quite a few years older and I found the situation intimidating. I'm visiting my sister again soon and dreading seeing her friend's because I now feel very awkward. Like I can't talk to him at all or she's going to have an issue.
Am I being too touchy with this? I have in some way done something wrong here without realising it? How should I react when I next see them?
I wouldn't be intimidated.... I quite possible would have burst out laughing.... she was trying to piss up his leg....
next time you see them.... be normal her behaviour is her issue not yours .. x
How does how attractive you think she is come into it?
if she's draping herself over her husband... dry humping in public spaces... I believe OP when she says the wife is significantly less attractive than the husband hahahaaaaa
a Lady comfortable in her own skin/marriage/relationship does not need to mark her turf lol
Leave the drama with her. If she is insecure that's her deal. Like you said, you are happily married and merely spoke to the man! Don't let her crazy impact on your normal behaviour.
What on earth was "intimidating" about it? Why would it even bother you? Maybe they're very touchy-feely, maybe she was showing he was "hers", maybe she's insecure and always behaves like that, who cares? Seems like a total over-reaction.
OMG I have visions of it now.... like a scene from Abigails Party hahaa
My advice is to talk to her as much or more than her H. You may be reading more into this than there is, or she may have been making a point. Either way, you don't want things to be awkward if you are going to keep meeting them at your sister's. Make friends with her and show her that you are not after her H. It sounds like you already like her.
Good looking guys do attract a lot of female attention (and vice versa) and that must be really irritating for their partners. You are innocent but not everyone is, so I can understand her sensitivity.
Maybe best to tone down the banter a bit and make sure you talk to her more than him. Best to err on the side of caution when couples are involved. Not saying you did anything wrong - it's an issue between them that you weren't aware of before, but now are. You don't know everything that's gone on in their relationship and there may be good reason why she is a bit worried - but even if she is just insecure there's no point in aggravating her.
Hahahahaha I'd seek him out deliberately just to piss her off if she was that pathetic with the shoulder rubs/he's mine crap.
Totally not your fault. Enjoy the fact someone was intimidated by you!
But perhaps the previous two posters are more level headed than me
I may well wander over to join in with a chat my DH was having with a mate and, without even noticing, affectionately give my DH a shoulder rub. It's just what we do - he would do the same to me.
Maybe you are imagining that you were being seen as a threat.
Meh. People do this all the time and as pp have said, it's almost never about you.
Make more of an effort with her.
I wouldn't give it a second thought OP, it may have been just normal affectionate behaviour if she had wandered over to stand nearby and join in the conversation. It may have been something she did unconsciously or even deliberately because she felt threatened by the situation. Whatever it was, nothing bad happened and the correct way forward is for everyone to behave as if they noticed nothing. Including you, and her. Really minor. If you feel uncomfortable, and I don't see any reason for that but still, just keep your distance a bit.
Maybe the husband has 'form'.
I was thinking that. She's obviously not secure when he's talking to someone she's known for years. Makes you wonder.
Maybe you're just reading into it because you think he's attractive.
I guess it's about how they normally are with each other. If they're quite tactile then maybe that was just normal.
I think you're reading too much into it.
If I'm somewhere I feel comfortable like hanging out with old friends I'll often give my partner a massage if he's sat down and I happen to be standing up.
He gets very stiff shoulders and a massage helps his back ache, it's not a territory marking thing at all!
What does 'banter' mean? YABU if you were flirting with a man in front of his wife and expected her to take it because she's 'less attractive'.
I agree with others - a shoulder
massage doesn't necessarily mean she was staking her claim. Or even that she was threatened by you - in my experience women with much better looking male partners are confident and have a lot going for them (hence the mutual attraction).
How on earth was this intimidating for you? What a wet blanket, christ.
The fact you call out how attractive he is and how she's not, and how extremely you've reacted, would indicate to me maybe you were flirting with him, even if sub consciously or don't want to admit it and were enjoying the attention.
Whatever though, you're reading too much into it. I suspect the issue here is yours, because if you were behaving completely innocently, you wouldn't react more than with a mental shrug and laugh it off.
I only wanted to set the scene by explaining that he is particularly attractive as I had wondered if this might be why she reacted as she did. I can assure you there was absolutely no flirting. I'm not the flirtatious type at all. I certainly wasn't "enjoying the attention". We spoke about sport for all of about 3/4 minutes before she came over. in fairness, I'm not attracted to him at all but I know a number of girls who are/were and felt it was reinvent to put in my op.
It was intimidating because I'm not the most confident person in the first place and she very much is, so when I was just trying to make polite conversation, her coming over and so blatantly making me feel like I was somehow overstepping the mark and even the way she was glaring at me felt intimidating to me. Sorry if that makes me "a wet blanket".
The banter was just having a joke for all of ten seconds anout a bet that I had put on which there is a funny story linked to. It most certainly wasn't me flirting in any manner. I'm not the flirty type. I'm what many would describe as a "tom boy" but people don't realise that until they get to know me as I also love makeup and clothes. I was just having some general chat about sport with him. To me, it seemed very obvious that she was not impressed. I'm not the most touchy feely person but I think it would be weird if my husband was talking to someone and I was to walk over and start rubbing my hands all over him, I think it makes the other person feel quite uncomfortable.
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