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To not want DP ex to stay here with us?

(238 Posts)
Lydia393 Mon 17-Jul-17 15:39:07

Quite a complex story so bare with me.

Me and DP have been with each other for 2 years. In December last year, a girl my DP has slept with on a few occasions approached him and said he was the father to her one year old daughter. He took a DNA test which came back he was the father and vowed to support his daughter and be in her life. I obviously was heartbroken that he had another child with another women (despite us not being together when it occurred) but I had spent a year of my life with this man by that point so we decided to work through it.

Since the mother of his child has came in to his life, she has been nothing but hard work. I am sure she has some sort of feelings for him deep down and resents that he is with me. She causes issues (lies about her daughter being sick to get the attention on her etc) attempts to start arguments with me over social media (which I never react to) Accuses DP of loving me more than he does his daughter, just petty things like that.

His DD comes round every weekend and she will not allow me to meet his daughter, so I have to stay at my mums when she comes over for the weekend else she won't let DP have her.

I live with him although its his house that he owns, I have no legal rights to it but I do contribute towards the bills etc from my own wages. She plays on this, tells him I have "no right" being in his house and that his daughter has more of a right to be there than I do so if she wants to come over, I must leave.

Now another drama filled situation has come up. Her tenancy has ended on her house and the landlords want to sell so she has to move out. She has sorted a new property to move in to but this wont be ready until the 18th of August and she has to leave her current property by Friday so she will be effectively homeless until then. She does have family close by (mum, dad, sister) but has told DP that she has fallen out with them and they've said she can't stay with them.

She is expecting DP to put both her and her DD up until they're able to move in to their new property. DP told her that DD is welcome to stay but she is not, she has kicked up a fuss saying she has more right to be there than I do because she is the mother of his child and owes her a duty of care as her daughters mother (we have no children). She has told him she is putting me before his daughter and the mother of his daughter.

He is now reconsidering letting her stay because they have a conversation and he said he felt sorry for her because "she sounded like she genuinely didn't have anywhere to go" The thing is, if they do stay I will probably have to leave (if I don't, she will use her daughter against DP) so I will have to stay with my mum for a month, if not then I don't really want to share the house with such a volatile person who causes problems and who clearly does not like me.

She enjoys pushing me out of his and his families life's and feel like her daughter is a ticket to do so. Such as I was invited to his sisters wedding a few months ago but I could not go in the end because she decided she would not let her DD go to the wedding UNLESS she was also coming, so his sister had to invite her too so her niece could be there (then she refused to come if I was invited so I was asked not to come!)

AIBU if I tell DP I don't want her to stay? It's his house and I don't want to control what he does I just feel its a bit cheeky, if she was a nice person and behaved like a mother opposed to a jealous trouble maker, I would have less of an issue.

It hurts me that he has fathered a child by another women (even though we wasn't together) but the fact she is such a horrible person just makes it worse.

She doesn't work, she supports herself entirely off the money he gives her in child support (over £1000 a month) so I see no reason she can't put herself up in a b&b

CookieLady Mon 17-Jul-17 15:45:37

The fact that your P and his family pander to her demands for you to be uninvited to the wedding is ridiculous. Ditch him. He doesn't sound like he has the balance right. Yes, he should put his child first but that doesn't extend to her mother as you are meant to be his partner.

Snoopysimaginaryfriend Mon 17-Jul-17 15:47:23

No yanbu, especially as you contribute to the bills.

To put it bluntly, if I were you I would cut my losses and walk away. Your partner sounds spineless.

DirtyChaiLatte Mon 17-Jul-17 15:47:28

I think you have a major DP problem.

She sounds bonkers and he sounds spineless for not standing up for you.

BaronessBomburst Mon 17-Jul-17 15:48:20

The problem is not her; it's him!
I don't even know where to start on this one.
Tbh, save yourself years more of this crap and just leave now.
He's utterly spineless in not standing up to her and getting a proper court ordered contact in place, he doesn't treat you with any respect, and tbh I'd even be doubting the DNA tests if she'd arranged them.

kalinkafoxtrot45 Mon 17-Jul-17 15:51:41

He needs to grow a pair and put the ex in her place.

FrogFairy Mon 17-Jul-17 15:51:51

I would walk away. If you stay you have years of this drama to look forward to.

WetPaint4 Mon 17-Jul-17 15:52:56

Your partner and his family are weak. No way should you have been uninvited to the wedding on the say so of his ex! And she can find somewhere else to stay, she must have other family or friends. Your man is a waste if he lets her move in, you'll always be dealing with this shit if he can't handle it now.

MommaGee Mon 17-Jul-17 15:53:52

Tbh he needs to step up for you. He could go to court and get formal access but instead he's doing what she tells him. I'd have a serious conversation about whether there's really any future for you. What happens if you get pregnant? Will you and DC have to leave every time daughter comes over? Does DP expect t you to move out for a month?

Also she doesn't need to leave her place. If she speaks to the landlord and explains that her new property isn't ready he can eother accept it and jeep taking rent or take her to court. He can't change the locks or evict her without a court order. If it got to court that quickly judge would accept she has a child and a date to go so wouldn't expect t her to go. Its a shot way to do it but with a child that's how to do it. What will happen to all her stuff??

Yup, I think you need to cut your losses. It's horribly unfair now, but it will only get worse.

DaisysStew Mon 17-Jul-17 15:55:07

I'm a single parent, I'd rather live in a hostel than stay with my ex.

The whole situation is odd and you need to have a frank discussion with your DP about it. Either it's your home and you live there full time, or it's not and you move out on your own. Whether or not he decides to lay down ground rules for his ex is his decision, you can't force his hand, but you don't have to continue like this. How is your relationship ever going to move forward? Marriage, kids etc that can never happen if your expected to disappear any time he has contact with his child.

Redken24 Mon 17-Jul-17 15:56:37

Honestly just walk away. You will have this forever and ever. Just cut your losses now.

Giraffey1 Mon 17-Jul-17 15:57:59

Also ... how can you have been with you partner for 2 years but the OW's daughter is one - yet you say you weren't together at the time? This doesn't add up, unless I've missed something?

He needs to rethink who is important in all these confused relationships he has. He can't have it all ways ....

Lydia393 Mon 17-Jul-17 15:58:16

Thanks for your replies. The DNA test was done through his solicitor and a doctor so it is true, unfortunately.

He has stood up for me in the past, the issue is he loves his daughter with all of his heart. If he stands up for me, she will use his daughter against him, say he can't see her etc. He has tried ignoring her when she has been causing problems but she will turn up to his house and go mad. She has even messaged his work place and friends/colleagues derogatory and untrue things about him (even sex wise) during an argument. If he doesn't do exactly what she wants she will do all of this, tell him she is going to get him arrested for rape, harass people on social media etc. He has had several meetings at work about things she has phoned up and said to his place of work about him. She loves the fact that him and his family love his daughter and thinks she can use this to control everyone. Its really hurting him. He has previously got a solicitor (because he wanted parental responsibility) the solicitor got her to put him on her certificate but she refused an agreement with him) he threatened to take her to court then dropped the case when she started embarrassing him on social media and telling him she would tell police he raped her. It is really upsetting him.

Lydia393 Mon 17-Jul-17 16:00:35

She is 19 months old. Ex was pregnant for 9 months so this equals 28 months, we have been together 24 exactly.

Redken24 Mon 17-Jul-17 16:01:30

It sounds hard for him. But he should just pursue contact through official channels. I can hand on heart tell you now that it won't get any easier.

Foniks Mon 17-Jul-17 16:02:05

Another one saying leave him. If he'd even consider that, and the fact he's made you leave your own home in the past says it all.

He needs to go and get a court order though, so that she can stop dictating his life with his child. She has no right to tell him you need to leave and to say he can't see his child unless he agrees to it. Once he has a court order, he will see his child at set times and she can't stop it, regardless of who is in his house.

luckylucky24 Mon 17-Jul-17 16:04:01

Well she has pulled the strings for long enough. Your DP needs to prove that he cares about you and fight for you now. I would be asking him to make contact formal moving to have you involved (vaguely) eventually. Taking it to court if he has to. You cant not exist until his DD is 18 or whatever!
I would also be telling him if he moved the ex in, you will move out permanently. I think the arrangement needs to less intrusive to your life. What happens if you have a child together? Will he have to move you both out so his DD can visit?

You have a DP problem. Yes, the ex is trying to cause issues but him giving in all the time (not attending his wedding so the ex and daughter can go) means he is allowing her to run his life.
Is he on the birth certificate? If so then he can fight for access through the courts!

luckylucky24 Mon 17-Jul-17 16:06:42

And I hope he has kept all the threats about accusing him. This would be evidence in his favour if she actually did it!

ConstanceCraving Mon 17-Jul-17 16:08:06

I know you love him but in all honesty your life with his ex in it will be hell.

You'll always be in the middle. He sounds very weak willed tbh. He should have set the boundaries out immediately with her but he didn't.

Please think carefully. You only get one life make. Don't waste it.

thereallochnessmonster Mon 17-Jul-17 16:08:26

She's fucking batshit. She has no ight to tell your partner who can or can't be in the house when his dd visits. hmm

He sounds spinless.

I'd cut my losses and walk away. She'd be welcome to him. Otherwise you could have this shit for the next 18 years...

He needs to man up and sort out contact properly with her so that he's not running around after her for the next 18 years too. Sadly, you can't reason with crazy...

4men1lady Mon 17-Jul-17 16:13:56

If this was me it would be a case of telling your dp that if you were to leave while she stayed then you wouldn't be coming back.

He would also have to get proper contact sorted through a solicitor no matter what and to not drop a case for parental rights/access.

They are letting her pull all the strings. You would be a fool to go along with this too. Like pp said, it won't get any easier?

teaandakitkat Mon 17-Jul-17 16:14:08

Sorry you're in this situation op.
This woman will not change her behaviour. Ever. If nothing changes at your end you will be dealing with this shit for the next 16 years, maybe longer.
The only way it will change is If your dp stands up to her and pursues contact through the courts. Yes it will be unpleasant, he might well end up seeing his dd less for a while. But it's the only way. And i have to say that even with a court order she sounds like she will make your life hard for the next however many years regardless.
Sorry, that's not very encouraging. But I've been there and if I knew then what I know now I would have walked away. We survived, but it was really hard.

BadTasteFlump Mon 17-Jul-17 16:14:23

he threatened to take her to court then dropped the case when she started embarrassing him on social media and telling him she would tell police he raped her

But surely this is more reason to go through with formalising everything in Court, not to stop it because she's essentially blackmailing him confused

If he is prepared to spend the next 18 years being treated like a muppet that's his business - and I would therefore have to call it a day because (a) he's pathetic and (b) I would not want this woman in my life, or the life of my future children.

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