WWYD MIL is crazy!(80 Posts)
First time posting as I don't know what to do with my MIL
Firstly some background: I'm from abroad, married to a lovely English man that is an amazing father and husband. We have a 1 year old baby.
We had my mother helping us at the beginning and then she went back home. My MIL has been helping us for just over a month. She's fine with that but she'll need to stop coming for various reasons - her relationship with my husband is very bad and her other son often wants her to look after his dogs and his children (even though he's got his own mother in law very near by him and his wife doesn't work, but not my place to judge or say anything about their arrangements and priorities).
My mother is coming to stay with me for a while and also to help us (we really need as we are totally alone in the place we live, I'm working etc plus my husband adores my mum and he is looking forward to have her extra pair of hands around). Besides, the last time she saw our child was last year as she lives in another continent.
My MIL hates the idea that she's coming. She's doesn't agree that we should have my mother around because she'll go away to my home country, doesn't like that she would feed our child with fruits from my country (we just buy from Tesco) and that she would cook meals from my country to my child, doesn't agree that she learns my language and says that we are in England so as English we should live (I'm not sure what she means by that). I know it sounds silly but I had enough.
She says that we should put our child in a nursery and calls me a lady sheep because her daughter is alone in another country and doesn't have any help (she adopted two children over 5 years old).
I just cannot stand my MIL anymore. Every single day she says something unpleasant. Her favourite words are "ridiculous" and "rubbish". Once she snapped at me because I "don't chat" with her. But all she wants is to talk bad things about people that I don't know or say how much better her country/culture is compared to mine.
Honestly I don't know how to deal with that! We are in a situation that we need some help right now (I won't get into many details). My husband doesnt want to have any contact with her and he's not speaking to her even when they're in the same room.
What should I do with her? This week she's coming and honestly I'm about to explode. Advices?
Ask your husband to deal with his mother - she sounds interfering and bossy
Of coarse your child needs to learn your language and culture and food is part of that!' We British don't all fell like she does so don't let her cloud your judgment
familly is important - your daughter will only be enriched from her dual heritage
Fuck her, your child is going to gain so much from the diversity and shes being selfish and insulting holding it back.
Where are you originally from if you can say op?
Why does she call you a lady sheep? What does that mean?
I suspect lady sheep might be an autocorrect or misunderstanding?
Tell your DH to tell MIL to bugger off. There's a nice English phrase for her
I think you should join your husband in going no contact. She sounds like a miserable, toxic witch. You don't need that in your life, and you will survive without her "help."
What's with all the help?
You need help with the baby from your mother, now your dc is one you get help off your mil but your bill needs help from your mil even though he could ask for help off his mil and your sil has no help. What's all this "help" everyone is getting? <Nosey>
You need to pay for some proper help, a nanny, a childminder or a nursery.
Be polite but firm - don't allow her to walk all over you.
She has a son who needs support and a daughter that is getting none. You need to put the point over that as she disapproves of your mother so much that she is probably better off with her other children (that clearly need her more) as you do not want any more unpleasantness in YOUR house. You are respecting your husband's views and want her to go. Then you need to organise your childcare and get control over your life without her.
If your DH is fed up with her then let him deal with putting her off being involved. It's one baby, you can do daycare and cope. She doesn't need to be so involved.
Why do you need so much help with the baby?!
My MIL has been here for a period of time that we actually needed anyone to be here and look after our child temporarily - we could obviously find a nursery/child minder but my husband thought his mother would like to help as any other loving grandmother - now he's asking himself why she cannot just be a normal grandmother and have some love and respect for his family.
And it's not that I need help from my mother. She lives 20 hours by plane from me and I see my family once a year and I would love to have her around my child. It's not that I "need" but I "want". And aparentlt to my MIL enjoying and wanting my mother's company is a big sign of dependency and she's always comparing me to her daughter who lives abroad and barely talks to her like she's right and I am wrong. I don't care about their arrangements and she should not criticise mine.
She sounds very jealous and a bit scared that you'll take her son and your child away from her, back to your own country.
She's behaving very badly though, almost as if she's trying to push you to do exactly that, purely to get away from her!
I'd reduce contact for sure, and I don't think I'd have her round more than once or possibly twice while my own mother was there, because chances are she'd be rude!
You are totally right as my husband has been saying about us moving to my country once our child learns English.
She sounds like a xenophobe. I'd have as little to do with her as possible
it sounds like she has been living with you temporarily, is that right? that would put a strain on most relationships.
It's not what most grandparents do and if your dh doesn't get on with her he is suggesting it to save on child care and to get his dinners cooked for him. She probably feels used an unappreciated.
Although that doesn't excuse her being rude about your mum's cooking or the comments on him learning your language.
She does sound pretty awful. I don't think it's at all fair that you have to deal with her. Tell your dh to man up or he won't be d for very long.
She sounds incredibly jealous and insecure about the fact that your child has another grandmother.
MIL (presumably) sees your child quite regularly as she lives nearby, but she's threatened by a visit once a year from the other grandma? She needs to get a grip.
I'd reduce contact to a bare minimum as there's no way I'd want to listen to all her negativity and nastiness all the time.
Hmmm, got to wonder why her daughter moved away and doesn't contact her? Follow her and her brother's example and disengage.
Not really. My husband cooks and cleans once he's back home and our dc food is all prepared in the weekends when she's not here.
And my husband doesn't need to man up he already confronted her many times and is willing to go no contact and already told her about that. But this week she's coming again and hopefully it will be the last - I'm the one who needs a backbone when she says something nasty and I'm sure it will come and I want to be prepared.
You know that kind of person that thinks about what should have said or done in a bad situation? That's me!
She sounds horrid.
Her son would, by choice, have little to do with her.
Her daughter has moved to another country and barely contacts her. Even if your MIL has reinterpreted this as a sign of her daughter's independent spirit - she is prob seething with jealousy that you and your mum like each other and so has to tell you it's because you are crap and needy.
These are not good signs of what sort of parent she is, or what sort of grandparent she is likely to be.
If DH doesn't want to see her, let that be the end of it after this visit. NC, low contact, whatever you want.
And in the meantime, you know your DH has your back. Find your inner assertiveness and next time she moans you 'don't chat', feel free to say it's because she is always so negative.
Lady sheep? Can you explain that a bit more please OP?
In your country of origin, is there a word for 'idiot' that roughly translates to sheep? (Thinking Russian here, and ϭapaн).
She sounds horrible, but you can put an end to suffering her resentment any second you like by not keep expecting her to give up her life for weeks on end to help out for a son who doesn't like her, and a DIL who barely tolerates her.
Establish some boundaries. And yes, that will unfortunately involve paying for childcare.
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