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AIBU?

Is DPs ex taking the piss?

215 replies

Dukesofhazzard · 14/07/2017 23:12

So DP had arranged with his ex to get kids tomorrow at 2pm. The reason he said this time is because he's working night-shift til 10.00am and he needs to get a few hours sleep before he gets them. It wasn't arranged that he was having them but she asked and he said the above was the earliest he could take them.

I have plans tomorrow so I couldn't help her out as I have sometimes in the past if he's just came off a night-shift. Anyway, she text him tonight at work and said that the 'people' she had watching the kids up til 2pm can't do it anymore and she would just drop them at our house 10.30am. I have arrangements already made for tomorrow morning, leaving the house at 11am. So DP will have to look after the kids after a 14 hour shift and no sleep. I know he'll just fall asleep on the couch and kids will be left to their own devices. DC are 10 and 7 but 7 year old has SN and needs supervision.

She has a history of arranging things and changing them at the last minute and it's too late to do anything about it. I feel really annoyed that I have to change my plans for her, especially as I don't believe she had morning cover arranged and arranged this knowing she'd change it at the last minute. If I don't do this DP gets no sleep and she won't have child-care while she's at work. AIBU to be really pissed off?

OP posts:

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Shoxfordian · 14/07/2017 23:15

Text her and say unfortunately we cannot take the children until 2pm as agreed. Please make alternative arrangements.

Don't be annoyed and accept it; tell her it's not convenient and you can't do it

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/07/2017 23:15

He would have to do it if he lived full time with them it's just one of those things

khajiit13 · 14/07/2017 23:17

This is down to your DH to deal with. What time do they usually arrive?

I used to look after DS after 12 hour night shifts. My child, my responsibilitily, I just got in with it

GreenTulips · 14/07/2017 23:18

No - DH should text and make the arrangements or agree to changes

Don't change your plans - they are grown adults and should sort themselves out

mygorgeousmilo · 14/07/2017 23:20

Your DH needs to deal with this. Not your issue. I know it's nice to be nice, but you are neither morally nor personally obliged to fix this. HE needs to arrange childcare for the time he'll be asleep, or she does - either way it's their situation to manage

Allthewaves · 14/07/2017 23:23

i'd reiterate no that's not possible and say 2 pm. Not knowing full back story or how often he has his kids then can't really say who's being unreasonable tbh

Dukesofhazzard · 14/07/2017 23:31

khajiit13
When he's not working he usually gets them Friday after school and they stay over and he sees them during the week one day after school. This is a last minute arrangement.

GreenTulips
I think I will go ahead with my plans, I wasn't even asked if I could do it. They can sort it themselves...I'll still feel guilty though, silly really.

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tootalbugging · 14/07/2017 23:35

I agree it's mildly annoying, but they're his kids not pot plants. Be grateful he gets to see them. Yes, he'll be tired, but they get to spend time with their dad. Harboring resentment is not going to help anybody.

MistressDeeCee · 14/07/2017 23:37

Go out and do whatever it is you planned to do. If shes got form for doing this and your OH hasn't resolved it then there's not much you can do anyway. Its for them to sort their child care arrangements and come to an agreement that suits

Dukesofhazzard · 14/07/2017 23:40

tootalbugging

Sorry? Pot plants? What the fuck are you talking about? He gets to see them? Considering he brought them up on his own for 4 years when his ex wouldn't spend any time with them I think you should keep your bitchy comments to yourself. As for resentment, no absolutely none at the kids, just a selfish mother who only puts herself first all the time.

OP posts:

PostmanPatisacrappostman · 14/07/2017 23:53

Wow that escalated quickly.

I think yabu, they are his kids, he's not a babysitter

elephanthiding · 14/07/2017 23:53

If she's that selfish a mother, then why is your DP not going to court for residence? If she's that bad.

His kids. One of them has to care for them. If she's working, and he's not, it's his turn.

elephanthiding · 14/07/2017 23:54

You shouldn't be caring for them, though.

His kids.

Groupie123 · 14/07/2017 23:59

These things happen. This time the mum seems to be at 'fault', next time he will be. He needs to swap his nightshift or use up his parental leave and look after his kids. I agree with others who suggest you should stay out of this - it's up to them to parent their kids. I'm sure you treat them really well, but you're not their stepmum yet.

PutUpWithRain · 15/07/2017 00:01

Blimey Charlie... You may well be in the right on this OP (hard to say, tbh), but you're not doing yourself any favours here.

I imagine his ex has a very different interpretation of events.

Fruitcorner123 · 15/07/2017 00:02

YANBU the equivalent (assuming she works a normal day job) would be him dropping them with her in the middle of the night on a night that she doesn't normally have them and expecting her to stay up all night with them and entertain them. When you are separated you have fixed days ( normally) which are the ones that are your responsibility. If you need to change arrangements on your days as the mother has done in this example, its your responsibily to sort out not the other parent.

As often happens on mumsnet people respond differently when its the children's father who is put out. If it was a dad changing his arrangements like this at the last minute he would be criticised.

OP I think your DP needs to be firmer and definitely don;t think you should change your arrangements.

Janeismymiddlename · 15/07/2017 00:14

If it was a dad changing his arrangements like this at the last minute he would be criticised

Broadly agree. However as a working PWC and an ex who is fab at sticking to his timing and useless at dealing with the unexpected, it can be very draining trying to fit everything in. Sometimes I ask my ex to help at short notice but don't want him to know why - once I had an appointment to have a breast lump looked at, for example (it was nothing). In these situations, sometimes you have to recognise that short notice can't always be avoided and sometimes, you don't want to give real reasons why you need help. If she works, then childcare needs to be found and if she is off socialising constantly than that is different, but the odd change I think you need to suck up and not ask too many questions.

glitterlips1 · 15/07/2017 00:15

His kids aren't a "last minute arrangement" I think as a parent you need to be on standby surely? If they lived together he would be looking after them after a 12 hour shift? I agree though it isn't your problem.

Dukesofhazzard · 15/07/2017 00:18

Fruitcorner123
Thanks for your non judgemental comment. Yes that's exactly the point regarding sleep, he's absolutely exhausted when he comes off nights and he gave her your comparison one time but she doesn't care. He'd never have agreed to this had she just been upfront about times.

As for viper on here spewing about getting residency, the eldest child isn't DPs so we're hardly going to take one and split them up. And no his ex doesn't have a different story. I've heard from other people, not just partner of what a nightmare she was, turning up at people's houses and just leaving the kids, she lost friends through her behaviour. DPs mother has told me of times she had to cancel plans last minute for the same thing.

OP posts:

Thisarmingman · 15/07/2017 00:22

So these kids have three adults in their lives, all of whom are too busy doing other things to look after them. Poor kids.

dustarr73 · 15/07/2017 00:23

I think in this case cause she moved the goalposts I'd be doing exactly as I planned.

But I'd drop them to her in the middle of the night.See how she likes it.

Dukesofhazzard · 15/07/2017 00:23

glitterlips
Are people who work night shift just supposed to not sleep? I'm not understanding this point. The reason he left is because when they were together, he ended up with exhaustion after trying to work nights, coming home and getting oldest to school, then looking after youngest all day. This went on for a few years. She wouldn't help out at all. They couldn't afford child-care so he carried on doing this and became ill.

OP posts:

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Dukesofhazzard · 15/07/2017 00:27

So these kids have three adults in their lives, all of whom are too busy doing other things to look after them. Poor kids.

No one of the kids has 2 parents, 1 has his mother(he knows DP isn't his dad). As has already been pointed out by some-one, I'm not 'even' their step-mother.

OP posts:

elephanthiding · 15/07/2017 00:29

He left his kids because she wasn't looking after them, and then left them with her? Wow. He sounds like dad of the year.

Many parents who work night shifts hardly sleep if the other parent is working days, or if they're single parents. They need to sort their kids. If she is such a bad parent, you need to look at why the kids (including the eldest? Or he should live with his dad?) don't live with you. If you're such better parents than their mum is.

Why are you leaving these children to live with a poor parent?

MsWanaBanana · 15/07/2017 00:30

Thisarmingman What an absolutely ridiculous comment. The mum is working so needs care for them. The dad has been on an all night shift ending at 10am and the step mum, who has no responsibility to them but still helps out when she can, has previously arranged plans. They're busy working as many parents do. Not poor kids at all.

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