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AIBU?

To feel guilty going to work

19 replies

Mammylamb · 11/07/2017 20:38

Every day I feel guilty going to work as I have a young son (almost 2 years old). Financially I have to work, but I worry I'm being selfish and that I might be psychologically damaging my son by working. I only work 4 days a week, but on workdays my husband does drop offs and pick ups so spends more time with him.

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BackforGood · 11/07/2017 20:41

I might be psychologically damaging my son by working.

where have you got your very bizarre ideas from ?
Parents the world over work outside the home, and so it has always been. Why on earth would your ds be damaged by this?
I'm presuming you have good childcare in place and aren't locking him in an empty room for the day?

Mammylamb · 11/07/2017 20:46

No, he is at nursery half the time and with grandparents the rest!! I suppose we could afford for me to give up work but we would need to move to a tiny flat and be skint all the time.

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Bobbybobbins · 11/07/2017 20:48

I think it's totally normal to feel this guilt (I do too sometimes!) but spending time with grandparents/being at nursery is so valuable and a job you like (hopefully) will have value for you financially and personally way past the toddler years.

caffeinestream · 11/07/2017 20:49

Millions of parents work - do you think all their children end up with psychological damage?!

InDubiousBattle · 11/07/2017 20:53

Does your ds enjoy nursery? Does he have a loving relationship with his grandparents?

You aren't damaging your son in any way by working.

Newtothis2017 · 11/07/2017 20:53

It is normal to feel guilty. But that is life. You are doing what is best for your family.

Breezybreeze · 11/07/2017 20:56

Totally normal to feel this but also totally silly.

You are a great mum showing him the value of hard work while putting food on the table and a roof over his,head.

Im a big believer that it takes a village to raise a child and that they benefit from having lots of caring adults in their lives.

mamma12 · 11/07/2017 20:56

My daughter is now 11 and one thing I realise is you are going to feel guilty whatever you do. It's normal to feel guilty but you need to try to find a way to silence that because your little one is going to be just fine no matter what you do. We live in a shitty sexist society where women are expected to have a glittering career and be some kind of Boden clad goddess baking fairy cakes and doing art with their kids. Real life isn't like that and you're doing the best you can x

Breezybreeze · 11/07/2017 20:58

So he'll be benefiting hugely from time with grandparents and at nursery.

I felt just the same but now mine are bigger I can see how good it was for them. I have a great relationship with them as does dh.

Promise.

museumum · 11/07/2017 20:58

Do you really feel that nursery and the grandparents don't do as good a job as you do?

I don't feel guilt because I know that nursery and my mil offer very different days to what I offer. Mil takes him to see his great gran and great aunt. He learns he's loved by extended family.
Nursery does all sorts I don't (Spanish lessons, different songs, games, crafts) as well as offeringchin the opportunity to socialise with peers and navigate friendships without my being there (an important skill).

CPtart · 11/07/2017 21:10

IME the children who most struggled in reception starting primary were those of SAHP. Just my experience. It's never too young for DC to know they are part of a bigger picture and have to fit in, that you can leave them with others and will always come back. Massively important. Does your DH feel guilty?

Mammylamb · 11/07/2017 21:44

He gets very different experiences at nursery than he does with grandparents. With his grandparents he goes shopping and for coffee and just joins their everyday activities. Nursery is quite structured with various activities. Our days together tend to involve either family activities and playdates. My mum was a sahm and so was dmil. I just worry that were doing the wrong thing. DH doesn't feel guilty at all going work and thinks im a bit daft worrying

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InDubiousBattle · 11/07/2017 21:58

I think you're a bit daft too! Just had another skim of your posts and you haven't actually alluded to a problem with your ds? Just feelings of guilt from yourself. I think that's probably what they are and your ds is absolutely fine.

Do you enjoy your work?

Mammylamb · 11/07/2017 22:07

Truthfully, I hate my job. But I earn more in 4 days than a lot of.folk earn in 5, and I don't want to give that day off up.. I just worry I don't spend enough time with him. The weekend flies by, and on weeknights we play for half hour, eat dinner, play another half hour then it's bath and bed. Hardly any time at all really. And he is getting big so fast. It's as if his childhood is speeding by

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InDubiousBattle · 11/07/2017 22:10

That must be incredibly hard op. Is there any scope to drop to 3 days?

Notcontent · 11/07/2017 22:21

No, don't feel guilty. Does your husband feel guilty? I think you need to accept a few facts:

people need to work to earn money
a society where women stay at home with the kids and men work is a society that is very unequal - we really don't want to go back to that!!!

Mammylamb · 11/07/2017 22:29

Not really any scope to do my job in 3 days; i struggle getting everything done in 4!! Dh isn't feeling guilty. The guilt just seems to be a recent thing (not enjoying work has been a long term feeling, sadly) I keep worrying about my son all the time lately; worrying that he'll choke on something, or pick up something like a battery and try to eat it, or be in a car crash. It's awful.

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chipsnmayo · 11/07/2017 22:37

My DD is 19, I've worked full time since she was 3 months old. She's fine psychologically, sure it's not always been easy (I've been a single parent since she was a toddler) and there were a few moments where she did resent me working ft (e.g I couldn't come to a school play due to work) but on the whole she had a very happy childhood.

Fwiw, even now she's an adult she still loves the Creche she went to, she had so many memories (friends, arts & crafts, the key workers etc) there that wouldn't possible if I was a sahm.

PlinkyTheFairyWitch · 11/07/2017 22:43

I would echo that it's completely normal. My DS just turned 2 as well, but he's been in nursery 3 or 4 days a week since October as I needed to get back to work.

He's learned so much at nursery. It's socialisation as well as traditional numbers and colours and things. I can't give him socialisation all by myself, he needs to be around other kids. Don't underestimate the importance of that.

And there's also no shame in needing some adult time for you, either. It's OK. Men do it all the time.

Worries like choking could be an indication of something underlying - are you generally a bit anxious? I am. A course of CBT did wonders though.

Hope you feel a bit better about it all soon!

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