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AIBU about sleeping arrangements at exH?

(30 Posts)
Rinoachicken Tue 11-Jul-17 17:41:50

Perfectly prepared to be told IABU - I genuinely don't know hence I'm asking!

Split from exH back in August last year because of DV (he was arrested and removed from the home but not charged due to lack of evidence).

We have 2 DS aged 3.5 and 7.5. They go to their dads EOWeekend and stay over one night.

ExH is staying with his mum in her 2 bed bungalow. When contact was being arranged through a solicitor I was advised to and so asked for photos of what the proposed sleeping arrangements were because I knew they only had two beds.

I was sent the photos of a sofa bed that would be in MILs room, so one DS in a single bed in one room, the other DS on the sofa bed in MILs room, MIL in her bed and exH on the sofa in the lounge.

Overnight contact was agreed on this basis.

But now my eldest DS is coming home saying he has had to sleep on the sofa or has had to sleep with daddy or grandma because they won't put up the sofa bed because it takes up too much room. Apparently daddy sleeps with one or the other of them in one single bed and MIL on the sofa or with the other DS in her single bed.

AIBU to think this is not right and hey should have their own beds to sleep in on their own? I don't understand why exH can't get a trundle bed, so both DS can sleep in one room, MIL in the other room and exH on the sofa?

My eldest is getting to an age where he is aware of his body and wants privacy. He does sometimes come into bed with me if he has a bad dream but I feel that's a little different seeing as he does at least have the choice of his own space in his own bed.

Also, (trying to include everything so not to drip feed!) last week my eldest was in my bed having our usual end of the day snuggle and chat about our day before he goes to his own bed to sleep. Because it was so hot he had nothing on (I was in pyjamas). He randomly rolled towards me and "boink boink"ed be with his penis. I told him firmly to not do that again as I didn't like it and it wasn't funny (he thought it was a joke I think). He apologised and we had a chat about boundaries and privacy (pants rule etc).

One of the things my exH would regularly do to me was poke me in the back with his erect penis, which was his signal that he wanted sex (and he got it regardless of my wishes but this is not about that). He almost ALWAYS had morning wood.

Now I am NOT accusing my exH of anything, but I am concerned that, if they have been regularly sharing a single bed, which would likely result in my exH having to effectively 'spoon' eldest DS so they both fit, that my eldest DS may have inadvertently felt the same thing? And this makes me think it's even more important that he has his own bed to himself?

Sorry this was so long. I'm not sure if IABU or not and if not what do I do now?

In case it's relevant, eldest DS has Aspergers

ImAFurchester Tue 11-Jul-17 17:43:10

Is it appropriate your ex has contact with them at all given his past abuse?

Rinoachicken Tue 11-Jul-17 17:44:58

Well I had/have concerns because I felt he was bullying my eldest but he wasn't charged and SS were happy for him to have contact.

ImAFurchester Tue 11-Jul-17 17:45:51

Do your children actually want to go?

It's disgraceful how many kids are forced to have contact with abusive fathers.

flowers for you and your DC.

Rinoachicken Tue 11-Jul-17 17:47:35

Initially they went every Saturday and then wow was a sleepover, but my eldest recently said he wanted to spend more time at home with me and just do wow sleepovers so now it's that. He has a very strong bond with my MIL

Rinoachicken Tue 11-Jul-17 17:47:55

*eow not wow

Fruitcorner123 Tue 11-Jul-17 17:48:49

YANBU in my opinion each child should have their own separate space to sleep. I think you should address this with him. There are all sorts of options and he has them regularly so he has to address this.

Rinoachicken Tue 11-Jul-17 17:53:51

I know he will say my DS is lying (he has told me before that I shouldn't believe everything they say when he found out I had raised the issue of him smacking our 3yo at a TAF meeting - he confronted me on my doorstep about it saying he never did it, but I know for a fact he used to smack our eldest far to often and too hard when we were together and that he and my MIL both believe in smacking. Plus I've never smacked so when my youngest comes home and tells me he has been smacked and can show me how, I know there's only one place it's happened, and he's too young to make it up).

HaudYerWheeshtBawbag Tue 11-Jul-17 17:57:24

In all honestly I think yabu, it does not matter if the children want to go, or what his relationship was like with you. He is there Dad and has a legal right to see how kids, as do you, you have no more responsibility that he does.

If you do have concerns then you need to get some services involved.

Children share beds all the time with family members, and in an ideal world they would have their own beds, however they don't, as long as the children are looked after appropriately then I don't think you can dictate there sleep arrangements.

Children do silly things all the time and that is why we teach them boundaries.

Rinoachicken Tue 11-Jul-17 18:01:07

But school and the TAF and SS all said it was totally reasonable for there to be no sleepovers until he proved they had enough beds, so they must think they should have their own beds?

cluelessnewmum Tue 11-Jul-17 18:02:59

Yanbu, this sounds completely inappropriate, especially an adult sharing a single bed with a child, sounds dangerous, especially with the smaller one.

You also imply your ex forced you into sex, I'm not suggesting that means he'd cross any lines with his dc but I certainly wouldn't want my dc to share a bed with someone like that. Kids with aspergers are very suggestable (my sis has asd).

If a bed needs to be shared then it would surely make more sense for the two dc to share?

I think you should say you're not going to allow visits until a better sleeping arrangement is sought, I'm sure ss would support you if necessary.

I don't want to be overly dramatic but it is completely unacceptable and inappropriate.

cluelessnewmum Tue 11-Jul-17 18:05:30

Children share beds all the time with family members, and in an ideal world they would have their own beds, however they don't, as long as the children are looked after appropriately then I don't think you can dictate there sleep arrangements.

Oh come on. This isn't the middle ages.

JustArandomUser Tue 11-Jul-17 18:08:15

It sounds less than ideal but Co-sleeping is hardly unheard of.

Rinoachicken Tue 11-Jul-17 18:08:17

I also know that one of the things SS do when they visit a child's home is ask to see where the child sleeps, presumably the expectation is that they have their own bed?

vikingprincess81 Tue 11-Jul-17 18:08:36

If your dcs are under the care of services, and they've made the visits conditional, then those conditions must be met.
As for their own bed/space - I do believe children need their own beds if they want them. I've fallen asleep usually while reading a book then get prodded because I've stopped, but I'm oh so tired with my kids in heir single beds before - it's pretty grim (hot, limbs flailing, getting pushed out the bed etc) and neither of us would get a good sleep due to lack of space. I don't think YABU.
Sounds like you've had a tough time of things Op flowers for you

Rinoachicken Tue 11-Jul-17 18:11:34

We are no longer under the care of SS - they closed the file pretty quickly, saying basically that there was no risk to the children as long as my H did not return to the family home, but that contact should be arranged through a solicitor for the benefit of the children. FWIW the social worker was amazing, very supportive and said she thought my ex was a manipulative bully!

Rinoachicken Tue 11-Jul-17 18:12:29

Sorry meant to add, the visits are not co dictionary to my knowledge? How do I find that out? They aren't court ordered or anything

Rinoachicken Tue 11-Jul-17 18:13:14

Oh FFS - CONDITIONAL not co- dictionary!!!!

vikingprincess81 Tue 11-Jul-17 18:20:08

Fair enough. So they made recommendations then rather than conditions (for the pedants wink) so these should be adhered to. I can't be bothered to cook dinner ever sometimes, but I do because my kids need feeding. A fold out bed may not be ideal, and it may be a pain in the arse to fold out, but it's EOW - 1 night out of 14. I don't see why exh can't just suck it up and let them have their space.
You've mentioned sexual violence towards you, could your dcs be at risk and this be the real reason exh wants to share? I note from your OP that the visits were arranged on the basis of exh sleeping in the other room too. Are there concerns there? Something is setting off your radar as you've mentioned morning wood and worries about where dc has picked up inappropriate behaviour. Please do tell me if I've read that wrong though. I don't want to put words in your mouth flowers

vikingprincess81 Tue 11-Jul-17 18:23:30

Conditional - I just meant that your solicitor wanted sleeping arrangements in place before agreeing to overnight contact, and they made a point of sending pictures of the beds to you - that suggests to me that sleeping arrangements are quite important here.

HipsterHunter Tue 11-Jul-17 18:24:52

I don't understand why exH can't get a trundle bed, so both DS can sleep in one room, MIL in the other room and exH on the sofa?

This seems like the obvious solution!

Rinoachicken Tue 11-Jul-17 18:25:53

I don't know WHAT to think.

Yes SS and solicitor were on my side re getting photos of sleeping arrangements before they stayed over.

So what can I do if he's not following that? My solicitor was made redundant, I'm not eligible for legal aid and my ex went to the only CAB near me so now I can't use them

Tofutti Tue 11-Jul-17 18:28:45

Apart from anything else, DC will be uncomfortable sharing a single bed with an adult due to their size, whether it's ex or MIL.

I think you need to fight for your DC, OP. They are too young to object.

MissCherryCakeyBun Tue 11-Jul-17 18:30:23

Please contact https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

They were very very kind and helpful when I was trying to escape a violent husband and OW who literally attacked me in the street

They are brilliant at signposting who can help you and used to dealing with problems like this

flowers

Rinoachicken Tue 11-Jul-17 18:30:26

And DS1 is too scared to contradict his dad because he's afraid of being yelled at sad

So what do I do now?

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