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To tell my boyfriends parents what I think of them after suicide?

(137 Posts)
feelingrubbishtoday Mon 10-Jul-17 18:57:05

So my boyfriend committed suicide, his parents blame me because we had an argument before he took his own life. We were so in love with each other and I thought we would be together forever which he told me was the case then this happened with no prior warning!

I was and still am completely devastated and I understand they are completely devastated too! But they stopped me from going to his funeral. They made up lies about his death and now I have got one of the memorial cards they made up for him and they put something on there saying something about all the girls you could ever want in heaven! He didn't want any girls he was with me and told me I was the love of his life etc and I feel like that was so disrespectful towards me and my boyfriend. They have tried to completely wipe me out of his life and I am so badly hurt by this.

Obviously I'm finding this situation hard enough without them being so disrespectful to say all the girls you want in heaven! There will be an inquest held soon to say exactly what caused his death and they will be there. I'm so hurt and angry because of everything they have done since his death I feel like telling them how I feel. Is that unreasonable?

GoodBadOrIndifferent Mon 10-Jul-17 19:00:08

Yes. It's not about you. They have lost their child! Leave it.

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers Mon 10-Jul-17 19:01:04

They are grieving parents. You would be completely unreasonable.

I'm sorry about your boyfriend, it's probably best for you to keep away from them and grieve your own way and allow them to grieve in theirs.

flowers

JustArandomUser Mon 10-Jul-17 19:02:16

Yabu! I don't see how giving them a piece of your mind will help anyone, if anything it'll just be pouring fuel in the fire.

DollyPartonsBeard Mon 10-Jul-17 19:02:23

Oh gosh I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I can totally understand why you feel the need to be heard and acknowledged here, but maybe stop and think about your motives, and what you're likely to gain from this.

I think it's highly unlikely, sadly, that if you say your piece they will turn around and be contrite and apologetic and admit that they got things wrong about you. More likely they will see your 'outburst' as evidence of whatever stories they're telling themselves about your relationship.

You know the truth, and you know what went on in your relationship, hold on to that and don't let others' pain cloud that or diminish it. You would be better using your energy and time talking to someone- maybe a bereavement counsellor or someone similar- and working through your own grief and anger for your own sake, rather than to try to prove a point to people who, frankly, are not disposed to listen or understand.

They are grieving badly, you are grieving badly. Nothing you say to them will help how they feel or how you feel. It is easier for them to blame you for their DS's death than to face the fact that their son has taken his own life.

Speaking to them about how you feel is likely to increase the pain and hurt on both sides as both of you are trying to make sense of the situation by interpreting events in a way that allows you to direct some of your grief at each other.

Look for support away from them and mourn your boyfriend in a way that is meaningful to you but does not involve them. flowers

Stopandlook Mon 10-Jul-17 19:03:38

flowers

Hopefully you can talk this through when some time has passed. How devastating for you all.

enoughisenough12 Mon 10-Jul-17 19:05:26

I am so very sorry - it must have been a terrible shock.
You are all in shock and grieving. I think when someone takes their own life, it is common for people to want to know why. Of course it's not your fault but in their grief, his parents are lashing out at you.
Please try not to get into arguments with them - they are not rational at the moment and to be frank, arguing with you will only add more grief into the situation. More importantly, are you getting support and care for yourself and your emotions about what has happened?

DoItTooJulia Mon 10-Jul-17 19:06:13

Sweetheart, this is terribly sad and awful. For you and for them.

Just walk away. Don't do anything to make the situation angrier or worse, it simply won't help anything.

I am sorry for your loss flowers

YouCantCallMeBetty Mon 10-Jul-17 19:06:38

Yes, completely unreasonable. I'm sorry that your boyfriend died and can't imagine how you must be feeling BUT no reason to further upset his parents.
You know how much you loved him and have nothing to prove to anyone else. Grieve for him hopefully with loving friends & family around you, leave them to do whatever they need to to get through this.

feelingrubbishtoday Mon 10-Jul-17 19:06:39

I think today has just been a very painful day as it was very hurtful to see what they put on that memorial card! Up until now I was planning not to say anything to them but it just really hurt to see that they would write that

NellieFiveBellies Mon 10-Jul-17 19:07:25

i am so sorry you lost your boyfriend.

but they lost their child . their son.

you are grieving. it hurts. you will grieve and you will move on. you will have another boyfriend. children maybe.

they will never have another him.

they are being very very unfair. but anger is an easier emotion thae grief of losing your child. they are unfairly blaming you. but please dont make this tragic time any harder by laying into them.

it wont help any of you. respecting you wont be their priority right now and it shouldnt have to be.

they will know, deep down, that a row with his girlfriend didnt cause this.

i am so sorry that they are freezing you out.

notarehearsal Mon 10-Jul-17 19:08:17

One day in the future I'm sure your bf's parents would appreciate you writing them a letter telling them just what a wonderful person he was with you. They won't feel it just yet but when time has gone by and the inquest is finished, I do believe they will want to know as much about the life of their child as they can. And he had something with you that he didn't have with his parents, one day it will bring them comfort to know he was happy

enoughisenough12 Mon 10-Jul-17 19:08:59

I hope that you have had some support OP - if you do need any more information, this leaflet can be helpful:

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Suicide/Documents/Help%20is%20at%20Hand.pdf

notarehearsal Mon 10-Jul-17 19:09:45

And I feel for your loss and am so sorry you've had to experience this complex bereavement. Please have compassion for his parents who will be absolutely traumatised too.

Pengggwn Mon 10-Jul-17 19:10:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Foxysoxy01 Mon 10-Jul-17 19:10:44

I'm so sorry for your loss flowers

You have to understand that they have lost their Son and need someone or something to blame.

This is going to sound awful but it is easier for them to blame you and to have somewhere to project their grief.

Of course that doesn't make it fair or right and I can understand completely how you feel but you need to understand that underneath it all I doubt they really blame you it's just they can't see that yet as it is still so very raw and painful.

You need to leave it all alone and grieve in your own way away from them. Let them cope however they need to cope they don't need to affect you if you just ignore them and keep your distance.

NiteFlights Mon 10-Jul-17 19:12:05

Yes, don't say or do anything. Let them grieve in their own way. As PP wisely said, you know the truth about your relationship.

I hope you have someone sensible and caring who is there for you.

I am sorry you have experienced such a sudden and devastating loss.

Intheknickersoftime Mon 10-Jul-17 19:13:30

This is so very sad. I'm so sorry. I think you should probably access some support to talk about this. You are bound to feel anger but it won't make you feel any better by telling them. They are very wrong to blame you. They are directing their anger at his loss at you. It's no excuse and I feel for them also but you have to process this and grieve also.

waitforitfdear Mon 10-Jul-17 19:13:44

They are blaming you as that's happens when parents are distraught. Step back love and heal yourself.

NicolasFlamel Mon 10-Jul-17 19:14:20

Just leave it. Leave them to grieve and grieve yourself. They've lost their child.

youaredeluded Mon 10-Jul-17 19:16:56

He was just your boyfriend. He was their CHILD. Have some respect and compassion for that. If my child had fought with their boy/girlfriend and then went off and killed themselves straight after... well I would have much more to say that a passive aggressive comment in a memorial card. I wouldn't want you anywhere near me.

bridgetreilly Mon 10-Jul-17 19:19:00

Don't talk to them, but do talk to someone. Make sure you've told someone (your parents? a counsellor? one trusted friend?) exactly how it was, and how you felt, and how you are feeling now. You need someone to listen and accept and tell you that it's okay to be hurt and angry and grieving. But you need to let his parents do what they need to do as well.

DaisysStew Mon 10-Jul-17 19:19:12

When my sister committed suicide I was desperate for someone to blame. It was just too painful to say that this was planned, that she'd been suffering for a while - I spent ages going through her texts trying to see if she'd fallen out with someone etc. I'm not saying it was in anyway your fault, because it wasn't, but they're hurting and it's easier to blame you than say this was a choice their son made.

Please don't contact them. Losing a child in anyway is awful, losing them to suicide is torturous.

I'm so sorry for all of you flowers

CorbynsBumFlannel Mon 10-Jul-17 19:20:38

It's probably easier for them to accept that he made a snap decision because of the argument than that they may have missed opportunities to save him.
I'm sorry this has happened to you.

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