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To wonder was my mother inappropriate or am I overreacting?

(26 Posts)
SweetBiscuit Mon 10-Jul-17 05:56:01

Please be reasonably gentle. Around here over 10 years, namechanged because my usual nn is outing.

I'm just thinking back to being around 8-12 years old. Some stuff sticks out more than others, but my mother used to say many things that I feel in retrospect were inappropriate. I'm now in my thirties and DD is 8 and DS is 12 and I could never imagine talking to them/behaving around them in a similar way.

-She used to openly ponder whether or not a male friend of mine would masturbate.
-She went into the bathroom to get something when my brother was showering at age 12 and told him she was looking away, and came out and told me she peeked and he had a "great big willie".
-She used to tell me about how she and her sisters used to hope their dad's bath towel would fall so they could catch a glimpse of his penis.
-She used to comment to me that a pubescent female cousin of mine was "developing a sexy little body".
-She would never close the bathroom door even when she knew it made us uncomfortable and would grunt extremely loudly while pooing.
-She would never knock on my door when I was changing even when I was very self-conscious.

There's plenty more, these stand out right now. If I'm overthinking, I'm happy to be told. I just look back and feel really iffy about these chats.

Pengggwn Mon 10-Jul-17 05:57:42

No, she sounds like she had no understanding of boundaries whatsoever.

SweetBiscuit Mon 10-Jul-17 06:08:51

Thanks @Pengggwn, that's my feeling too.

KoalaDownUnder Mon 10-Jul-17 06:14:23

Ugh, WTAF?! Completely inappropriate! shock

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge Mon 10-Jul-17 06:16:26

Oh god no, yaDNbu. How awful for you, do you still have contact? Is she still the same?

HappyFeetAgain Mon 10-Jul-17 06:17:45

Yanbu, not only a lack of boundaries but she seemed to get a kick out of making it sexual stuff. How is she with your daughters? And when did she stop all of this if she even did?

SweetBiscuit Mon 10-Jul-17 06:20:54

Still have contact but I don't leave my own DC unsupervised with her.

She also has a history of essentially withholding medical care when I suffered mental health issues as a child and teenager.

But I live a few hours away now, am a doctor with a nice family and good life.

I just honestly feel a bit 'ick' when I think of our relationship when I was young.

SweetBiscuit Mon 10-Jul-17 06:23:38

@HappyFeetAgain exactly - I don't leave mine unsupervised with her because of what they might learn/be misinformed about.

She can be like this still, but never talked about children like this since I was young.

Wheelycote Mon 10-Jul-17 06:35:09

Inappropriate but this be normal for her.

My Dad was inappropriate and would say very uncomfortable things....seeing my friend gave him a semi. When we argued....he'd have slept with all my friends and they were slags. Def no boundaries

I ran away from home countless times and married someone in forces on my 18th birthday who moved me away.

But his family/my were the same

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 10-Jul-17 06:48:21

Very inappropriate. shock. flowers

charlestonchaplin Mon 10-Jul-17 06:51:57

You don't leave your children with her unsupervised, so what good does it do to keep ruminating over these matters?

MugginsMcMuggins Mon 10-Jul-17 06:52:14

Your mums sounds like a right classy bird grin

SweetBiscuit Mon 10-Jul-17 06:55:05

@charlestonchaplin I lack the ability to consciously switch off thought.

If you know how, you'll put many out of business.

Eternal Sunshine, anyone? grin

zaphodbeeblebox Mon 10-Jul-17 07:02:36

Yes inappropriate, I think you're doing the right thing in keeping her at arm's length and not giving her unsupervised contact with your dc. Sounds like she has some serious issues with boundaries.

charlestonchaplin Mon 10-Jul-17 07:04:33

I think if you need to process your thoughts and feelings on these matters there are helpful avenues, but an open Internet forum is probably not the place. Where emotional wellbeing is concerned, I think these forums harm as many as they help.

MargotLovedTom1 Mon 10-Jul-17 07:10:35

I know it's hard to see the wood from the trees when you're personally involved, but you're a doctor - imagine if a patient told you what you've outlined in your OP, what would your reaction be? You wouldn't think they were overeacting if they felt 'iffy' about it all, would you?

You said she can be like this still (albeit not about children). How do you feel about having a discussion with her about inappropriate behaviour and/or comments?

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 10-Jul-17 07:10:38

Perhaps you're unable to switch of due to cognitive dissonance. You know how a mother should act and yet yours acted differently. Maybe you love your mother and perhaps think you shouldn't. Perhaps the love is a biological love, you cannot help because she is your mother. You quite possibly have a lot of conflicting feelings and are finding it hard to reconcile these

SweetBiscuit Mon 10-Jul-17 07:11:06

@charlestonchaplin that's quite a different sentiment to wondering what the point is thinking about it.

This is a potentially helpful 'straw poll'. I'm also lucky enough to not be in a majorly vulnerable place, and won't spend my day worrying what the internet might or might not say.

But I appreciate your concern.

Ilovewillow Mon 10-Jul-17 07:13:21

YANBU - she was/is totally inappropriate! I too have a young daughter and I can't imagine ever doing it saying any of things! You are right not to leave your children unsupervised, it would worry me enormously!

SweetBiscuit Mon 10-Jul-17 07:15:26

@MargotLovedTom1 yes, I'd never feel a patient was overreacting if they told me that. I'm actually a GP with extra quals in Mental Health, but better with others than with myself.

She's volatile and really capable of anything - likely multiple untreated mental health issues, including a low grade chronic drink problem. Even the gentlest confrontation could never go well.

@Mummyoflittledragon really interesting, food for thought.

sureitsgrand Mon 10-Jul-17 08:06:32

Some of my DHs family are like this. They make bizarre sexual comments. It seems to me their aim is to make other people feel uncomfortable. If you laugh and join in you are ok, if you act uncomfortable they love it and do it even more to provoke a reaction. The only thing I can think of is the older ones who do it, all grew up without parents, so it is like a misguided lack of boundaries situation which was never corrected. It's then manifested in their kids as acceptable, though the younger generation seem to tone it down a bit. I certainly let my DH know it wasn't funny and he tends not to make those 'jokes' anymore.
I'm sorry your Mum is like this, it's horrible. Keep your distance.

PippiLongstromp Mon 10-Jul-17 11:41:55

Charlestonchaplin
What a weird thing to say, MN is exactly where people can ask those questions you just can't in RL and hear other people's experiences.

OP can I also recommend the stately homes thread where there are people with very much the same experiences as you.

sunsurfacingdefiantly Mon 10-Jul-17 11:44:35

I think the most valuable thing MN does is allowing you to process these thoughts and feelings.

Very inappropriate, OP and quite disturbing, really. Did you ever get the feeling there was more to it? I mean, re abuse I suppose

Room101isWhereIUsedToLive Mon 10-Jul-17 11:59:00

My mum used to defecate while I was in the shower every single morning. At the time I thought it was a bit gross but now looking back, I am very like WTAF!
There were a myriad of other issues but that is the one I can tangibly hold onto as a signifier of how dysfunctional my childhood was.

SweetBiscuit Mon 10-Jul-17 12:45:17

Thanks for the replies everyone. Will take a look at Stately Homes!

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