Summer childcare issues with mother

[Happyhappyveggie]

I have a terrible relationship with my mother- almost no contact but I keep it civil for my children.
She has grudgingly offered to have them for a week at the start of summer (she's only seen them for 3 hours since last November) as long as they go to her- 300 miles away. DS 9 is fine with this but my DD 5 understandably doesn't want to go and be away from me & her dad for 5 days. I have asked mother to come here instead but she is making a massive issue out of it.
Now I am inclined to book them into summer club. Aibu?

*Am trying to make sure they have a relationship with her. I would add (and this is the source of the virtual no contact) that she has visited her husbands grandkids on multiple occasions in the last 6 months and is going on holiday with his family and grandkids for the second time in 6 months - both for 2 weeks. She has seen her own grandkids for 3 hours in 8 months.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

I think that's too far away for a 5 year old to go to someone they don't know well, even if you and her were on good terms.

[OwlinaTree]

I'd put them in the summer camp I think. She doesn't sound too keen! Or would your 9yo go on her own?

[OwlinaTree]

His own sorry

[Happyhappyveggie]

That's my instinct too @testing - and daughter has said she doesn't want to go. She cried yesterday when I went shopping for 3 hours & is a bit clingy at the mo anyway

[iamyourequal]

Hi happy why are things bad between you and your mother if you don't mind bring asked? It's just to help get the picture of whether it would be suitable for her to have your children for a week.

[witsender]

Summer camp. I have no idea why you would want your mother, who you have a terrible relationship with to look after your kids full stop?

[maudeismyfavouritepony]

Its free childcare, I don't think you get to dictate the terms.

And what Testing said.

[longestlurkerever]

I don't really get this tbh - how has she "grudgingly2 offered to have them for a week? A week is full on - anyone would be hesitant at the responsibility of it surely? But she offered? Or did you ask for help with childcare? My mil and dm are very hands on and regularly do childcare for us but have only ever had them for 2 nights max and that was them both doing it together.

[Happyhappyveggie]

@iamyourequal mainly because she prioritises her husbands kids over her own grandkids to a ridiculous level. Husband is controlling and she has just gone along with it. She's also a narcissist and has never taken responsibility for anythjng

[Copperspot]

If i was such low contact i wouldn't want to depend on her for anything. I certainly wouldn't send children to someone they barely know. Do you trust her to care for them?

[RandomMess]

Just use local childcare instead.

[drspouse]

If she sees them that little I wouldn't be asking her to do childcare. My DM sees my 5yo more than that but not very often, similar distance, I wouldn't expect him (DS) to be comfortable with her all day every day for a week as she's an unfamiliar non-childcare-professional (she did, in fact, work as a teacher but secondary school and was not into "entertaining" her pupils).

[longestlurkerever]

But of course yanbu not to send them for a week if they're not keen. Why would it be unreasonable?

[CurlyMango]

Do not send them to your mothers. It will be horrid and you will be in debbted forever.

[JigglyTuff]

I just wouldn't send either of them. Put them both in summer camp

[Copperspot]

Also bare in mind you may be giving her something to hang over you.

"Do this or i wont have them tomorrow"
"Remember when i did you that massive favour and saved you all that money?!" Etc etc.

Dont give her the stick to beat you with.

[Ilovecoleslaw]

She barely knows them. I wouldn't send my kids away with a woman who doesn't seem interested in them at all and barely knows them

[Happyhappyveggie]

Ultimately I am trying to give my kids a relationship of sorts with her despite the fact I have none with her. But it's really difficult

[Lukeandlorelai4Ever]

Summer camp definitely

[Dawnedlightly]

Summer camp. Your relationship with her and brokering a relationship with the children should be kept completely separate from childcare.

[longestlurkerever]

Happyhappy if it's important to you to build a relationship then can't you just take them for a visit? I wouldn't send them for a week if they are not already close - it could be really traumatic

[iamyourequal]

Yanbu. I don't think I would be comfortable with her having them under those circs. I would keep them at home and book summer camp.

[BuggerLumpsAnnoyed]

Why do you want them to go there?

You say she "grudgingly" agreed. She doesn't want them there. They don't want to be there and you don't sound keen. Just sack it off.

Too be fair though, if she doesn't want then in the first place, you are pushing it a bit to insist she has them at yours.

[Trollspoopglitter]

So you think she's a narcissist and her husband is controlling but you insist your young children must be subject to her? Even when you don't want to be? Because... Oh wait, you have offered no valid reason except spite. She spends more time with husband's grandchildren than her own.