Newborn comments I wish I'd challenged

[user1492528619]

DS's birthday is coming up and I've been reminiscing his newborn days.

I vividly remember MIL during this time. She is usually quite amiable and we get on well enough.

I gave birth two weeks premature with complications and he was in NICU for a week. Only DH and I visited, as I was still in hospital. We were told we could take him home twice and they ended up keeping him in a little longer, so the days leaked by. MIL gave us hell about coming to see him. She picked DH up from the hospital one evening and spent the whole ride home complaining how disappointed she was in him for not letting her 'nip up'.

We didn't find out his gender until birth and for my baby shower my sister bought me some neutral accessories. One was a baby blue banket. She shouted across the room 'Does she know something we don't?' Before making digs for the rest of the pregnancy of knowing the sex and telling my family but not his. When we called to tell her he had been born we told her she was a boy and he response was 'What a surprise... not.'

When she first visited she didn't bring a card or a present, not an issue in the slightest, but we invited both her and my mum at the same time. She later commented that the fact my mum brought things made her feel 'uncomfortable.'

These are the three that really stand out. It had been such a turbulent time that I either ignored or just let DH deal with it but whenever I think about it, I get angry and really regret not saying anything.

Did anyone experience similar?

[Muinteoir]

In the nicest way possible- let it go.

The newborn days are not improved with family feuds and fallings out.

[DeadGood]

Christ, what a pain in the arse she was. Sorry you had to deal with that.

[Hedgehog80]

Yes sadly we did. Dm was annoyed she couldn't go into NICU....not because she wanted to see ds but because she wanted to see if it was set up the same as when db had been in there 30 years previously

She then decided to not want to look after our other dcs whilst ds was in NICU. He was very ill and we had both been sitting by his incubator daily/I was expressing etc it was traumatic. 2 dcs were school age but she just really didn't want the hassle of our then 2 y o. We thenbjad to juggle childcare for all three and needing to be with ds because we thought he wouldn't make it. It was heartbreaking.
MIL was equally as shit. Didn't offer to help or anything
I feel your pain OP

[tiktok]

She sounds really really unpleasant. It's better to deal with these people somehow, rather than brooding and thinking about it afterwards. You know when she is being rude - and so does she. What would happen if you just looked at her directly after one of her comments and said 'my goodness, that came across a bit rude - was it intentional?' Don't say sorry, don't laugh slightly, don't smile, but wait for her reply.

For example, you could have said this when she said she was uncomfortable at your mum bringing gifts. And at 'what a surprise - not.'

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

It's too late to deal with it now. Do set sound boundaries for current behaviour. If you have another baby think about how to manage her then.

[URaflutteringcunt]

I remember my eldest's early days. IL's gave me huge pressure to circumcise, they took him off me al the time and wouldn't give him back, told me "oh look he's crying, he doesn't love you", why aren't you weaning at 12 weeks, why aren't you giving him salt, gave him food with salt in it anyway, does he drink juice? No? Oh well hands DS pure non watered down juice, what do you mean he can't stay out till 11pm? etc. It went on and on.

With the second I had none of that. Probably because I'd been so firm the first time. Very strange. Like you I'll never forget it though, it made life really hard for no reason. DH needs to tell her to back the fuck off.

[Onhold]

I think you could have let your MiL nip up to see her grandson

[YouHaveBeenSummarilyDismissed]

She is practically Jesus compared to my MIL.

You'll do well to learn to tolerate her shenanigans. She is unlikely to change.

[elliejjtiny]

Yes we did. DS4 was born at 35 weeks and spent 4 weeks in neonatal. I had pnd and he had a lot of health problems. We asked that family wait until he was home before visiting him as he didn't feel like mine for quite a while and I didn't feel comfortable having people coming in and passing him around until I felt like his mum if that makes sense.

Most people respected us, some grumbled and one of dh's (not very close) relatives decided to go anyway when we weren't there. I hated that she'd just been to see DS without our knowledge or permission and she made it worse by going on about how great it was that she'd seen him before anyone else had.

[LoKeKi]

I think you could have let your MiL nip up to see her grandson

Ditto.

And, She then decided to not want to look after our other dcs whilst ds was in NICU, they are grandparents, not child minders.

[ToastyFingers]

Onhold you can't just 'nip up' to the NICU. In my local hospital it's parents only, except for special circumstances.

[WonderLime]

I think you could have let your MiL nip up to see her grandson

OP doesn't have to let anyone 'nip up' if she doesn't want to. I personally don't want anyone to visit in the hospital. Visits can wait until we get back home.

[Peregrina]

And, She then decided to not want to look after our other dcs whilst ds was in NICU, they are grandparents, not child minders.

I don't agree here - this was something of a crisis and decent families rally round to help in a crisis. You are right to have felt annoyed but there is nothing you can do about that now and the anger is only affecting you and not her.

[Chottie]

These stories are just awful. Such selfishness......

[LoKeKi]

"decent families rally round to help in a crisis"

Bit of a difference between rally round to help and grandparents providing care for three children for a NICU stay; NICU stays can be months and months. Grandparents could be 80.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

oh look he's crying, he doesn't love you

WHAT!!!!!!!

FFS!!!!!!!!!

[NotAnotherUserName5]

I think you did the right thing letting it go, and concentrating your energy on your DC in NICU at the time.

If she is usually aimiable, I would let it go now.

[PhuntSox]

You have already dealt with it in the best way you could, by ignoring and leaving your DH to say anything. That was the best response you could have made.

[Emboo19]

I have only one thing and it still really niggles me.
My bf's grandparents came to visit at my home when dd was a few days old, I was breastfeeding when they arrived his grandad walked in and straight back out (you couldn't see anything) said he'd wait, fair enough that didn't bother me. His grandma sat down, asked how long she'd be feeding as she wanted a cuddle and it wasn't fair on gd sat in another room. I said I didn't know (which was true) then she said "I don't even know why you're bothering with that, just give her a bottle" then preceded to mumble about how long she was taking and poor gd sat in the kitchen (even though he'd happily polished off a slice of cake and a cup of tea in there).

I remember just sitting there really trying to stop myself from crying.

[ALittleMop]

Sounds like the behaviour of someone feeling hurt and excluded (even if unreasonably so).

All of it - including you saying you still feeling unhappy about it - seems really sad to me.

[VladmirsPoutine]

I hope I never have sons. MiLs can't do right for doing wrong.

[BigFatGoalie]

When I was 37 weeks pregnant with DD2, a bolshy, loud, obnoxious man walked into the room I was working in, and told me all about his wife's two labours. She was a "trooper" apparently for her 7 hour labour. When I told him I was having a csection, he laughed in my face and said "Oh! So you don't actually EARN any of your babies then do you?"

I'm ashamed to say I was so taken aback I didn't tell him to piss right off.

[Hedgehog80]

I'm our case we had pre arranged that dm would look after the dcs she just suddenly changed her mind once ds deteriorated. We knew there would be complications hence arranging beforehand but when things got bad she really dropped a bomb. We thought ds wasn't going to make it and it was awful

[sassylocks]

Op I'm sorry she was such a PITA at such a stressful time my MIL was a right pain during the birth of my daughter as well. She wasn't premature but had to have emergency surgery and it was honestly the most traumatic thing I've experienced and made worse by my MILs badgering for visits, whilst she was unwell with a bad cold at the time.
Months on it still pisses me off and I wish I'd gone batshit at the time!! She occasionally brings up how stressful it all was- the way she talks about it, you'd only ever think it was her that was going through a stressful time!!
Before my own experience I would have said "let it go"- I still think you should, for your sake and yours only. However I know first hand it's easier said than done!! Hope you enjoy your boys birthday!

[Peregrina]

I don't get the impression that the grandparents are elderly in their 80s or that the NICU stay was happening for months and months - which would mean that the parents needed a lot of support and you would hope then that the family would rally round in that case. She just seems a difficult MIL.