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Am I far too intolerant now?

(47 Posts)
Sweatingmytitsoff Thu 06-Jul-17 18:09:33

NC'd......and all that jazz

Anyways, hurt by my ex pretty badly, left me needing counselling to come to terms with it and what not.

Decided to start OLD 8 months after the relationship ended.

Went on various sites with absolutely NO expectations, have had a few dates & wanted to see that person again.

However, here is where the relationship has affected me both in a negative and positive way.

I have 0 tolerance, I don't accept bullshit excuses, I won't let anyone talk to me like an idiot, I will cut any guy I get talking to out for minimal things.

Guy 1
Great guy, got on amazingly well. Until! He decided to have a pop at me for suggest we rearrange a date as he conveniently "fell asleep" and would be late, when I said my piece, he replied with "go away and think about what you have said to me, I will not talk to you until you calm down". He was instantly blocked without another word.

Guy 2
Had a couple of dates, really great guy, got on really well. We were texting one day & I said something which he interpreted the complete wrong way, told me not to discuss it again and wasn't sure why I brought it up. I explained it to him in terms he'd understand & cleared the subject up however I felt that by him getting it do very wrong and making an issue rather than asked me what I meant, I messaged to say I didn't think it would work & then blocked him.

Guy 3
Planned to have a date tonight. Again, great guy blah blah blah and all that crap!
Planned to meet at 6, he said he doesn't finish work any later than 4:30 as they aren't allowed. Hey presto, 5pm and "sorry, I'm held up at work, just finishing up so will be late".
I said to make it for 7, then said actually let me know when you are ready. He replies with "il text at 7".
I've now just text to say that I understand things happen but to leave it as it is as I've had to shift my entire day for this guy and have now been sat around waiting for 1 hour already!

Am I being unreasonable and finding any old reason to cut them off because I'm worried about being hurt if we were to go anywhere?

Or would you also sack them off for the same reasons??

Sweatingmytitsoff Thu 06-Jul-17 18:10:03

Oh & sorry for long post!

GeekyWombat Thu 06-Jul-17 18:12:47

In all these situations I'd sack them off.

My take on it is that for the right person you'd be tempted to give them the benefit of the doubt.

OverTheHammer Thu 06-Jul-17 18:13:13

I'd have sacked them all off for the same reasons.

Tamatoa Thu 06-Jul-17 18:14:19

It's how you separate the wheat from the chaff. It's how dating is these days. I think you will find tolerance once the 'one' turns up 😊

Dawnedlightly Thu 06-Jul-17 18:17:23

Agree with pp!
That's exactly what dating is for. DH didn't do any of those things. Neither did previous long lasting boyfriends.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Thu 06-Jul-17 18:17:55

They all sounds like great reasons to stop talking to a potential date. Not intolerant, you just know your worth and aren't prepared to lower your standards. It's a shame not everyone is the same.

Sweatingmytitsoff Thu 06-Jul-17 18:20:35

I'm glad as my previous relationship has taught me never to rely on anyone again & never make them my whole world but I also feel that I've somewhat distanced myself that much that I honestly could not care less if I don't meet anyone!

In the past, after 5 texts back and forth I'd be very clingy (not that they noticed) & constantly check to see if they'd messaged, I'd put up with excuses and give chances

Present: I don't care whether they reply or not, I don't feel the need to check. I don't put as much effort in as I used to & I certainly do not feel like I should give them extra chances because I need someone in my life.

Violetcharlotte Thu 06-Jul-17 18:22:08

I'm like this too. I don't think you're being too fussy, it's about knowing what you want, and don't want, in a relationship and being clear you're not going to waste time on losers!

ilovesooty Thu 06-Jul-17 18:23:18

If you're not bothered about putting any effort in perhaps the guys you've sacked off are not much different to you. I'm wondering why you're bothering to date at all.

cottagecheesequeen Thu 06-Jul-17 18:24:44

I think you were right in all the situations and I would also ditch the 3rd guy.

Maybe - just maybe you have swung into the slightly direct way of speaking which a lot of people (men) are not fond of. So might want to assess that BUT in the above you were absolutely right not to put up with crap.

I understand people don't want to say that they really really like someone on the first date but if they are being so casual that it's disrespectful then you should move on.

My husband didn't play games at all and meeting him in my 30's it was such a refreshing change - every guy up to that point played games with me.

isupposeitsverynice Thu 06-Jul-17 18:25:32

No I think your level of intolerance sounds perfect for online dating. It's keeping you protected from tossers. Carry on as you are, I think

Booboobooboo84 Thu 06-Jul-17 18:25:50

I think you were within your rights to sack the guys off but the fact you do it so utterly might be something you want to change. Rather than blocking immediately why not give them a week. Gives them an opportunity to meet your standards so to speak?

krustykittens Thu 06-Jul-17 18:28:33

I think all that sounds fine! I might have been a bit more tolerant of the last bloke as something may have come up at work but he could have tried harder to let you know what was going on.

MeanAger Thu 06-Jul-17 18:29:26

You were spot on each time OP.

Sweatingmytitsoff Thu 06-Jul-17 18:34:14

I feel like they are being wishing washy, I'm not asking for anything but effort from them.

I take time to contact them, to arrange to meet, time I don't have a lot of!

Then I get "oh sorry, just finished work", no that's not acceptable. He knew we were meeting at 6 today, why not text me at 4? Why at 5??

I like to look nice so will take at least 2 hours getting ready, I've had 2 showers today because I'm sweating before I even get out the shower.

So I don't really appreciate being kept waiting.

I know I sound like the most shallow bitch there is but I would just like a tad more commitment to the date!

I look forward to it because effectively this was meant to be my 1 night off childfree and he's wasted it!

LowGravity Thu 06-Jul-17 18:37:11

Present: I don't care whether they reply or not, I don't feel the need to check. I don't put as much effort in as I used to & I certainly do not feel like I should give them extra chances because I need someone in my life.

I'd say you're in a pretty good place then. Do not lower your standards for the sake of having a man in your life.

HipsterHunter Thu 06-Jul-17 18:38:08

If people had higher standards in the dating stage there woudl be a lot less "my DP is a total arse" threads on MN!

toffeeboffin Thu 06-Jul-17 18:38:56


There's so many feckin chancers out there.

LaurieFairyCake Thu 06-Jul-17 18:40:15

I wouldn't wait for anyone and would have also got rid of all 3

Frankly if I wasn't married I'd rather be single than go out with anyone crap - being single is amazing, I loved it

MeanAger Thu 06-Jul-17 18:40:15

They are being wishy washy. Is incredibly common amongst men who have had the first date. They either slack off or set up a row to test how much you will put up with. Not quite sure they are interested long term/don't want to commit to seeing you but keeping their options open incase no better offers come up. I've seen it so many times. It's quite predictable.

TisapityshesaGeordie Thu 06-Jul-17 18:40:36

You did right. I was similarly intolerant in my dating days, and am now married to a wonderful man who has treated me with anything less than love and respect, and has made me and our DC his world.

Sweatingmytitsoff Thu 06-Jul-17 18:40:37

I've got to a point in my life that I will no longer just "settle". I made that mistake with my ex, I fell for him over time & he completely broke my heart beyond repair. I now will not give another man the same chance.

They want to piss around then fine but it won't be with me!

I do not expect any man to chase me, I am happy to accept them and make joint effort, I just won't take from someone what I wouldn't do to someone else!

Guy 3 has apologised for tonight & to let him know when I'm free next.......that will not be happening, I just don't have patience for second chances

MeanAger Thu 06-Jul-17 18:42:42

If people had higher standards in the dating stage there woudl be a lot less "my DP is a total arse" threads on MN!

Yes yes yes! This a million times. women need to set far higher standards and they need to know it's absolutely right to have those standards and enforce them. They don't owe anyone their company, they get to decide whether is worth their effort, they get to decide where their boundaries are. I feel like this should be a public service announcement. Taught in school.

LaurieFairyCake Thu 06-Jul-17 18:43:53

It's an amateurs version of 'negging'.

Some guy did that to me once in a bar. Egged on by all his mates he came up to me and said I would be properly beautiful if I lost a stone (3 stone less than I am now hmm and looking lovely obviously)

I replied loudly with 'you'd be attractive too if your balls dropped and hair grew back'

Not my finest comeback but I was newly single.

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